Shall I leave?

[ThatRealMember]

Just looking for some advice. Been with my boyfriend 10 years, I’m late 20’s, he’s mid 30’s. Our relationship has been stale for a couple of years. Mainly due to resentment on my side which he is aware of, stemming from the fact he hasn’t proposed to me, has never helped around the house or with our young child. The only thing he does is pay the bills. He’s always known how important marriage is to me but it’s been years of excuses and every time I bring it up it turns into an argument, he doesn’t reassure me he wants to get married, he just says things like ‘find someone else’ or the more I go on about it, the less he wants to propose, or ‘it’ll happen this year’ then never does or ‘it’s not a priority’. I’m now at the point where I don’t think it will ever happen and if it does, I don’t really want it because I don’t want someone who has taken 10 years to decide they want to marry me, or has proposed to shut me up. I feel I’ve been strung along for years.

I’ve basically been like a single mum for years as I’ve always done everything and he often goes out doing his own thing. I’m now at the point where I don’t want to spend time with him, I have zero sex drive or desire for affection. Recently out of nowhere, I had an instant connection with someone (not an affair and never would) but I’ve never felt a connection like this with anybody else and it’s getting to me.

I am scared to leave as I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t have the money to private rent, I don’t know how long I’d be on the council list for and even then I have no idea how I’d afford to furnish a place. He also has finances taken out under my name which scares me.

I just don’t know what to do! I can’t be miserable forever but I have no idea how to even begin.

Sadly, I don't think marriage to your DP is on the cards. Since you say that you have no desire for him, it's time to move on but you need to plan. Grit your teeth, swallow your pride and approach your savviest, cleverest friend to help you.

You very much need to find out what finances he has in your name so that you can take control of them. If they are in your name there must be a way to transfer them to his so that you are not liable.

You say he pays the bills, are they in his name? Does he pay the rent where you live?

As for where you'll live, don't stress over that now. If you have any income, start saving in an account under your name only.

Hello love.

Well you sound fed up....!! Ten years and you're just about ready to throw in the towel.

I think he has strung you along and now you have had enough. I would leave under these circumstances. I know a lady who stayed for over twenty five years and he has never married her and I am getting married next year and I know she hurts like hell about it and `I hurt for her. I wish she had left and found someone who adored her and believed in marriage.

With regards to your financial position, you start at the beginning - you apply for benefits and you get a part time job. You are going to need to work and be a single mum for a bit, and make that work, before you eventually meet someone to settle down with and team up with. It will be tight at first but being skint is easy - you simply can't have anything.

Don't settle again. Listen to what they do, not what they say. He has strung you along but that's an end now.

Make a board of what you want and go for it. You are too young to feel this resentful.

As a side note I think many women who get with a man from a young age grow put of him. Maybe you are lucky he didn't marry you. ;) Its a big world darling, full of magic and lush xx enjoy it This guy is not on your wavelength.

Why has he taken out debt in your name? Did you agree to that?

If it's unsecured you may be able to have it written off, but that messes up your credit rating for 6 years. But may well be worth it to get out of the situation, especially if you are unable to stop him using your name, as nothing to stop him keeping on doing it if you stay, so you may never dig yourself out. At least if you're out of it, you can have control of your own finances.

Are you working?

You can leave for any reason. Having to cope as a single parent and doing everything in the home is a damn good reason.

Financially have a look at benefits calculator to see if you can get any help, whether it's a uc top up, rent help or nursery fees. You will also be able to claim cms off him. If you are working part-time can you up your hours? Speak to Citizens Advice if you find it overwhelming.

He also has finances taken out under my name which scares me.
That is fraud and a criminal offence. Speak to the police on how you can protect yourself as i suspect you are being financially abused in other ways.

Thanks everyone 😊

I do work and I’ve been on the UC calculator and I’d be fine, it’s just that initial step of setting up a new home.

Stupidly, I did at the time agree to taking a few things out on finance that he would pay for, as his credit wasn’t good. It probably all comes to about £350 a month but I am worried if he’d stop paying if we split up, as I couldn’t afford to pay it!

All the house bills are in his name and he’s paid for them for years so I feel like I’d have to be the one to leave, with our child of course.

I think you know this is over OP. As the saying goes “if he wanted to, he would”. For whatever reason marriage is not on the cards. I think it’s better to leave now and take the financial hit and start your way back up again rather than stringing this along for another decade. You’re still so young and have plenty of time to find someone else.

I think that you should leave him. You've been operating as a single mum anyways and it doesn't seem like he is helping in any way. You're young and you don't already want to be in a loveless partnership. You have so many years ahead of you to find a better partner (hopefully husband) and a step dad for your DC.

A man should be enthusiastic about proposing and marrying you. This man doesn't even seem enthusiastic about being in a relationship with you. (Sorry if this sounds blunt, it's not meant to be)

Also, time is never wasted. I am sure you've learned a lot about relationships and what you want. Don't regret anything. But time for the next chapter. Good luck!! xx

What was the credit for? Is there an asset you can have for it?

He's told you to find someone else, and that's really hurtful. The thought of changing your life can feel daunting, but it can happen. Don't spend any more of your precious life on him.

Would he want access to your child?

Have you got anyone to confide in and offer you some support?