Concerned DS looking for advice about mum who has said she is in the doldrums of life

[refantazio]

Hello. I'm an adult DS of a DM who is 58. I would describe my DM as a caring, nurturing and matriarchal type of person. My mum leans on me a lot for support as I am her only child, and she has few close friends or relatives nearby. She is also single with no DGCs. I'm not expecting to provide her with any grandchildren any time soon. She has told me that feels she is "stuck in the doldrums" and also that her "get up and go has got up and gone". Those are the specific words she used. She has also mentioned that she has been struggling with the menopause. This is definitely not my area of expertise. I know a little bit about it, but not very much. As far as I know she isn't on any medication for it. I know from experience, and what others have told me, that it can be very hard to get appointments with an NHS GP. My GP only does in-person appointments in exceptional circumstances. For anything else, only phone consultations are offered. If she can't get seen in person would it be worth looking into her going private? She is like me in that she prefers to talk in person rather than other the phone, especially about sensitive matters.

Aside from the menopause stuff, she also seems a bit depressed. I am wondering if there is anything that might help aside from antidepressants. I can't really do shopping trips, spa days, etc as stuff like that is mostly for mums and daughters. Is there anything you could suggest that might perk her up a bit? I have had the idea of getting her a pet - either a cat or a dog. I've seen various anecdotes suggesting pet owners often report improvements in their mood and are less likely to suffer from depression after getting a pet.

You’re jumping the gun bit. Wait to see if she can’t get seen in person first. Is she on HRT at the moment? That would be the first step.

I think a depressed, menopausal woman would warrant a face to face GP appointment. HRT may make all the difference.
Does she actually want a puppy or a kitten? Getting a pet is a sweet idea nut may be misplaced.

I hope your Mum gets the help she needs but please never buy a pet for anyone who hasn't expressed a strong desire to have one.

insist on a face to face appointment either the Drs. Explain that that your mother’s mental health is being affected and she needs to be seen, no question.

There are plenty of things you can do together that aren’t typical mother daughter things. Trips to the theatre, cinema, garden centres, etc.

Call your council or ask in your local library or check on Facebook groups for local groups that your mum could attend. Usually there’s weekly meets ups somewhere just for older people to get together and have a tea and some biscuits and a chat.

It's probably a multi faceted approach..she probably needs hrt, counselling and to develop her social network and find some interests. In the meantime it sounds like you are a lovely caring son and if you could try and find some activities to do together that would be appreciated I'm sure, I took my mum to concerts, theatre, cinema and weekends away and day trips when she was down. Museums, art galleries or even garden centres might be good too.

Also starting the discussion about a pet and finding a suitable one could help, but only do this if your mum is able to take on the responsibility. An alternative or trial could be pet fostering maybe?

I can't really do shopping trips, spa days, etc as stuff like that is mostly for mums and daughters.
You need to get that sexist shit out of your head. A lot of women don't like it and a lot of men do.

Is there anything you could suggest that might perk her up a bit.
What does she like doing? If she hates cooking then cook for her at least a couple of times a week. Hates meal planning then get her a Hello Fresh subscription. Likes rambling then go with her or research local groups.

Get her a GP appointment. If it's difficult to get one then a depressed person will find it even harder to muster up the effort. Ask if she wants one then take on the task of doing it for her.

NEVER EVER buy a live sentient being for another person. Animals aren't objects to be bought on a whim.

Does she go out to work or have any hobbies she enjoys?

I agree with the other posters that she should be able to get a face to face appointment with the doctor if she is experiencing symptoms of the menopause.

Are there things that you could do together that you would both enjoy? Would she enjoy visiting National Trust houses/gardens?

I think bupa offer a special meno package inc treatment- google it circa £200 I think

You sound like a lovely son, doing your best. Some good ideas here, and I would say time with you is probably something she really appreciates, even if she seems down and is hard work while you are with her.

Do you have interests she could join in with? I never thought I would find any interest in American football, but having my some explain it to me and talk me through games on the TV has changed my mind!

It very much depends where you live as to how easy it is to get a GP appointment, so she should definitely try. If she has a home blood pressure monitor, she may not even need an in person appointment.

If you live near enough, she will really appreciate you making time to do things with her. Is there anything she used to enjoy that she might want to re-start? Joining a choir or walking group is often cited as good for one's mental health. The GP may be able to do some social prescribing.

You sound lovely. This could almost be my situation but not quite. 1stly yes she needs to want the animal and be able to take responsibility herself. They are all hard work and expensive in their own way. My adult teenage son is OK at feeding, fixing the cat scratch posts, but wont do any of the litter tray stuff!

Good idea for you to take on some cooking - if you still live at home. Or to offer to cook if you pop round. It is quite tedious deciding what to cook and make it for just 2. My son will try some cooking but only after I ask. I would love him to volunteer a bit more! I have shown him how to make various dishes, which he could then vary. But he does clear away and wash up.

We go shopping together - I treat him to clothes occasionally, we get lunch. Generally a nice day out. We have very different interests so dont always manage to get those to combine. But Ive enjoyed seeing him in his hobby and got to talk to people that he was mentioning so that's good as I know he's OK.

You don't mention work or volunteering?

You sound lovely - I hope my sons grow up to be so caring. I’m 50 but finding the transition through menopause really difficult and depression can be a major symptom for many people. So the very first thing I would do is encourage her to see the GP to discuss HRT. I’m a bit 😱 at the suggestion to join groups for older people as she’s hardly in her dotage but agree widening her social circle would probably help. Look into what is available locally and suggest trying some new things. Does she work? If she has a lot of time on her hands could she do some volunteering? I love reading with the younger children in our local primary - it’s not much of a commitment (I do one afternoon a week) but if she is hankering after grandchildren she might enjoy it. If she likes pets but doesn’t want to commit to owning one worth looking at the Cinnamon Trust who use volunteers to help elderly people keep their pets by offering dog walking etc.
Do some fun things together - try something new - go paddle boarding, visit the theatre, go for a cheap city break, broaden both your horizons.

What a lovely thoughtful thing to do, to reach out for advice to help you support your mum!

I'm a few years older than your mum is, but I know what she means. Life starts to close in on you a little bit as you get older - I know we shouldn't let it but it does. Does your mum go out at all? Does she work?

I work FT, I have 3 adult children, some still at home or back and forth. I've also got good friends even if I don't see them all the time. I think I'd do more of that if I didn't work FT, as do all of them who live in the same country as me.

What does she enjoy? I love travelling, and you and she could go on wonderful trips abroad, if that's feasible financially. I have had three lovely trips away in the last three months but have nothing planned so that's a bit of a downer lol!

She should really contact her GP and arrange to see him/her face to face. It's hard getting through, and I hesitate too because it's such a pain in the backside. I don't see why they wouldn't see her. There's no shame in admitting that you need a bit of help and support and she should access that.

Do you still live at home? If not, do you think she is lonely? Does she rely on you too much though? That's not a good thing either really.

As for a cat or dog, you'd have to make sure she was happy to look after a pet and could financially and physically manage it. A cat would probably be easier - I have three indoor floofs. They are great company and they make me laugh.

You could go for walks, for coffee, to National Trust properties, to the beach (even in cold weather!), for dinner, to the cinema. No reason why you couldn't go shopping either - though if you are anything like my DS, who hates it, you're probably best not to!

Does she enjoy reading for instance? Sometimes I just love to snuggle up with a good novel and my own company.

@refantazio

I'm 59 with an adult son away at university.
I can't really comment on the menopause side of things as I'm one of the fortunate ones who breezed through it.
I have however struggled a lot with my son leaving home, it was just the two of us for a long time.
I am fortunate in that I have a small but great group of friends and I'm also now a foster carer so have another child at home.
It sounds like your mum needs a social group. What are her interests?
Even though he is away from home, I still do a lot of things with my son, I meet him for lunch, we go to athletics meetings, theatre, we had a great holiday together in June in Copenhagen, we will probably text a lot tonight as there is a football match on.
Ultimately it's your mum that is going to have to make the effort to get out there and build a life, she is still a relatively young woman, but you can give her a push along the way.
What did she enjoy doing before her get up and go deserted her?