Name changed for this. I am after some advice about my friend and I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible. She lost her DH a year ago after a long illness. Both mid forties and they have two teenage DDs. It was incredibly sad and traumatic and she was an absolute hero in terms of caring for him and keeping everything going. She has also lost both parents very recently.
A few weeks after her DH died she was contacted by an ex boyfriend who she hadn’t seen for decades but they still have a mutual friend. Since then they have met every few weeks for a night in a hotel near to her home and call and text regularly. She told me about it early on and has confided in a few close friends but her DDs do not know. I have never met him. My reaction was initially good for her. I could see she needed some affection and intimacy and some time away from the daily grind. It seemed good for this to be with someone she already knew and trusted. She said she made it clear to him that she did not want any commitment or a relationship. They live a couple of hundred miles away from each other. He is currently living with the mother of his young children but apparently the relationship is over and has been for some time, he sleeps on the sofa and he intends to move out (she says she has had this confirmed by the mutual friend).
A few months on I am becoming increasingly concerned about him and I’m not sure whether I should say anything to my friend. He has recently been suspended from work following very serious allegations about his behaviour (possibly verging on criminal). He told my friend about this and she is outraged on his behalf and adamant that this is all untrue and the allegations are false . A couple of weeks ago she said he would clear his name but now apparently he is going to just hand in his notice, get a job in another sector and won’t need a reference. He has also told her that he going to leave the family home next year and rent a flat. My friend has relayed things he has said to her that she sees as sweet and loving and I think sound manipulative.
My feeling is that there are a number of red flags. The work allegations are horrific, and it bothers me that apparently he is fairly calm about the situation and is just planning to walk away. The other issue is my friend has money and owns a house and seems to be paying for everything. He has no money, no house and now no job, he is in his 50's (it was an age gap relationship when she was a teenager). He's also had a number of failed relationships over the years including other children he doesn't see. My friend seems to be romanticising this and he says things like no-one ever measured up to you.
I wouldn’t usually interfere unless she asked for advice and I’ve tried to just be supportive of her and listen, she talks about him a lot to me. I’m wondering if I really should say something and if so what? I don’t think it will go down at all well, she seems very enmeshed in this, it seems to be becoming more serious and I feel she is very vulnerable atm. Part of me feels like I am being cowardly by avoiding a difficult conversation. Equally last thing I want is to upset her or fall out and I am wondering if it will come to a natural end (which I have been thinking it would for the last 10 months). What would you do?