Apologies - this might be an essay!...
My marriage has been all but over for the past 10 years. I got so sick of DH’s over inflated ego (self importance), insistence on gaining ‘respect’ by means other than giving respect to others, moods, ‘do as I say – not as I do’ attitude. His refusal to take responsibility for anything (as a father to our DC’s, partner, his own health after developing a chronic illness and bringing in an income to help towards household costs and mortgage) in the end rendered me accountable for everything and therefore taking the blame for everything. I suppose I enabled this by not setting boundaries.
In later years this was difficult as everything amplified into quite a toxic and emotionally abusive situation for me and the DC’s. DH is not from this country but has lived here in the UK since we met (30 years).
When things became unbearable I took solace in my work and practiced the ‘grey rock’ method whilst at home. This detachment became the norm and our lives became just an ‘existence’. DC’s retreated to their rooms and I ‘worked’ until late every evening to avoid having to walk on eggshells in our home. He had very few friends and spent most of his time on sofa for about 7 years.He rarely spoke to us but would spend hours on the phone to his family abroad.
Eventually, he began to talk about having been offered a job in his home country. I told him I thought he should go… because of this he didn’t leave. Fast forward another two years and he approached the idea again, this time I said nothing and he decided to go (to a job that never materialised).His only explanation to me was ‘I need to go for the sake of my mental and physical health’. I paid for his flight and he left with no money at all and lived with his parents for a while who supported him financially (albeit they both had dementia and he had access to their funds). He later moved to another nearby country to stay with a sibling and again did not work and was being supported financially and with a place to stay.
Meanwhile, back here, I had to retire early because of physical disability and am trying to pay all bills, mortgage and supporting two of my DC’s through university. I can no longer afford the house that is in our joint names. DH is now working in a low paid job and comes back whenever he wants (Xmas, Easter and this year in the summer) as if it is all OK and ‘normal’ to live in another country whilst I spend my time trying to process what happened and what next. He doesn’t ring two of the kids at all and has not supported them. He sometimes calls his son who is living in uni accommodation but this is sporadic.
My problem now is that his sibling is no longer willing to have him stay and DH has said he’ll ‘have to’ come home because he can’t afford to rent a place of his own. He seems to feel entitled to the financial support of others but cannot see that to live you have to pay your way! I have walked on eggshells to keep the peace for so long that I’m frightened of confrontation and not being able to explain why I cannot go back to living the way I was. He will not have a job to come back to and I imagine will just assume that it’s OK to not be earning as that is what he did for so many years before.
Life is far too short and all I want is my own space and freedom to live the rest of my life doing what I want to do (not what I have been conditioned to feel like I ought to do).I need all the money I have to be able to support myself and my kids until they are fully independent. I have taken a very part time job recently but still can’t keep up with the bills. It is unlikely that DH will ever have anything to help them with should they need it.He has no private pension and a few more years before retirement age. Because I have a small income from a workplace pension along with some money put aside for the now adult DC’s, I thought when he left that it was better to NOT go down the divorce route and, as long as he stayed away, I’d be financially better off. He has sent money twice in two years and in total it hasn’t even covered the extra expense of him being at home when he has decided to visit.
I know I have to tell him NOW that I don’t want him to come back – but I just can’t seem to articulate what I need to say, or find the courage to start the conversation – I know it will all end up with me taking the blame because he cannot accept responsibility or be accountable for his actions. WHAT SHOULD I SAY AND HOW?
I need to divorce him BUT over the last 16 years I have been the main earner and have inherited half of my parent’s house (rented out). I recently drew my workplace pension and the lump sum which I invested and have a low monthly income equivalent to the wages he is earning abroad. I’ve been paying the mortgage and supporting our 3 kids (now adults) at Uni and college. I won’t get another mortgage so need to hold onto everything I can turn into cash to buy a home for me, one of my DC’s (special needs) and with enough space for the other two DC’s to have somewhere to call home. I’d be really p*ssed off if I had to give away half the house equity, half the investment and half of my pension when I was the only one working for it! WILL THIS HAPPEN?
Any words of wisdom or encouragement gratefully received!