Never good enough

[Alfiethecavapoo]

Have been having a difficult time for last year or so with my DP. I have suffered from bad mental health for a while due to last abuse and always been quite an anxious person and had poor self esteem. In the initial stages of our relationship I used to be a people pleaser (still am but less so), just wanted to make him happy and feel I changed to keep the peace. He is quite opinionated and sometimes critical whereas I hate to argue so will compromise. I am in the situation where I now do most of the housework, pay more bills due to earning more and also have a feeling that I am living the life he wants.

4/5 years down the line and I've had 2 years of therapy to work on my issues and self esteem. I feel I have stood up for myself more and tried to put boundaries in place. Any issues I bring up with his behaviour there is always something I have done to justify it and he keeps saying he wants his best friend back instead of what I have turned into. Said we used to be happy before I changed and I will never be happy as I don't want to be, he is a good partner etc. Anytime I have suggested breakup he really doesn't want to and tells me he loves me. But he has said he is also not happy. I don't know what to do as anything I ask him to improve on is like it is conditional on me being better to him first. I feel he is giving me no option than to break up but to him and everyone else it will all be my fault and I'm finding that hard to cope with. Feels like if I tried harder things could be good but don't know what to do.

He wants a 'you' that doesn't actually exist though. What he has now is the real you. If he doesn't like that or wants you to change, then the relationship has run its' course and you should think about ending it. You need to be true to yourself, if he doesn't want that for you, he's not the one.

A good start would be to realise that he is not the final arbiter of whether you are in a relationship with him or not. It only takes one person in a relationship to decide it's over. The other person doesn't get to hold the other 'hostage' because they don't want it to end. It's already ended the minute one of the two has decided they no longer want it.

The second thing would to be to become comfortable with the idea of being the one 'at fault' for ending it. You haven't done anything wrong, you've changed and you no longer want to continue with the relationship. The benefits to you are now less than the drawbacks.

You are on this Earth to live your own life, not somebody else's.

Do you have kids? Cos seriously, LTB

Nah no kids

Yes I think if anything I think I am a better me have done work on myself and can set boundaries and knowing who I am. I even have a much better job now with my confidence growing but he doesn't seem to see any of this as a positive

He wants to keep you downtrodden and in a cage of his own paranoid making. He does not want you to be happy or ti improve your confidence at all. He’s liked seeing you mixed up and miserable because that’s him too.

I would end the relationship and be in your own because it’s far better than being with some miserable and otherwise abusive fun sponge like him.

People pleasing behaviour often comes about from wanting to parent please. What did you learn from your parents about relationships? It may also be why you were attracted to Mr Wrong in the first place. Were one or both your parents difficult emotionally or just plain unavailable to you ?.

Yes he is making me miserable to be honest. My dad left when I was very young and have no relationship with him so maybe that has impacted things

Feels like if I tried harder things could be good

Thinks every person who is being controlled but probably doesn't realise it . It can be so hard to see when you are with them - they keep your head filled with them, constantly worrying about how you can make it better or get back to the good times intentionally, so that you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. Those good times were also engineered by him, he took them away little by little so you didn't notice how bad things were getting.

feel I changed to keep the peace

When you find yourself changing your behaviour to avoid theirs you know there's a problem.

Yes I think if anything I think I am a better me have done work on myself and can set boundaries and knowing who I am. I even have a much better job now with my confidence growing but he doesn't seem to see any of this as a positive

Because he doesn't want you being you and having boundaries. He wants you doubting yourself, feeling insecure so that you rely on him all the more, even though it's you doing most of the housework and paying for things.

Don't tell him you think he's controlling you, he'll just have all the right answers to stop you talking, or he might well escalate. Talk to us or your therapist. Realise that he's very believable in what he says, very convincing, but if you start watching him with 'seeing' eyes you'll see the pattern. Women's Aid are very good if you need some RL support.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible, but you're already on the path to being you again, keep your strength, make your own decisions, you can do this

I feel like I've been going crazy as I spend so much of my energy wondering what is going on and debating whether to stay or go. I say to myself I should go and then the voice of doubt creeps in from all the things he has said to me. It feels really hard to break free from it as I am so confused by it all and it is hugely impacting my life. My therapist has been so helpful and doing what she can to try and build me up but it hard, as you say he is very very convincing. I think the lack of self esteem also makes me believe him too. Thank you for the support

Sit him down with the facts

I am doing more housework AND paying more bills and I'm sick of it. This isn't working for me no matter what you say or promise it's all just hot air. So we are finished do you understand.

Then send it in text so it's in writing and he can't say he didn't understand or some other bullshit.

Sounds like he doesn't appreciate you

I feel like I've been going crazy

@Alfiethecavapoo I remember one time I was making the bed and thinking "I'm going out of my mind". I didn't know why, I couldn't articulate any of it (that came later, once I was free and had the headspace to think) but felt utterly crazy. When you have little or no control of anything in your life it's understandable. And it's intentional, on their part. Never forget that.

then the voice of doubt creeps in from all the things he has said to me

Just remember that all the things he is saying are to benefit him. He wants you dependent on him, he doesn't want you to have autonomy, he only wants you thinking of him so you must remember that the things he has said are to keep you where he wants you.

Do be careful about calling him out on his behaviour, learn the art of grey rock and start building up your self esteem with outside support if you can. Do consider calling Women's Aid or at least having a look at their website (as long as he won't see that), they are a great support and very understanding.

You don't need to make any decisions just now, when you're feeling a bit stronger you'll be in a better place to do what's right for you. Also don't wait for the next big fall out, get those ducks lined up now so they're ready to carry your belongings when you're ready, if that's what you decide