How do you cope living with a partner?

[struggling24]

I feel mean writing this as my partner is great and I love him very much.

I'm just really not coping not having personal space and time.

He works from home so is always there.

I'm really burning out at work so have booked some days off- but I won't be able to relax at home as my partner is there. So feeling hyper stressed in advance about that.

I just want him to go away and leave me alone in the house for a while.

We've talked about it before and he's always mega-offended.

My solution was he goes away with his kids (who also live with me) for one weekend per term. He managed to do it once, but I haven't nagged him to do it again.

Root of the problem is he moved in with his kids to my house.

I can cope usually but now it's been 4 months since I had the house to myself and I need them to go away- but there's no where really for them to go and DP will be massively offended and stressed about me saying it.

For the record he bends over backwards to do everything at home and make things as easy as possible for me- I just really want my alone time in my own house.

That's a massive change - from living on your own to him and his kids! No wonder you are burnt out. Were you on your own before?

I took years for me to move in to my partner's house - and he only had his kids EOW and one day a week (but in practice more). And I also got an allotment at the same time to have somewhere to escape to.

It doesn't sound like it's working for you.

Would it be better for you to live in separate homes but spend half the week at each others homes - alternating - so you also get time alone?
living with a partner doesn't work everyone - probably doesn't work for many people when kids are involved to be fair

Pre-DD I used to go out walking, beauty salons, shopping etc just to get some me time. Or go to a different room and close the door. With DD it's a bit difficult now but my me time is going to the gym alone. I think you do need to talk with him and find a way to get quiet me time without him getting offended. If living together doesn't work for you and it impacts your mental health then perhaps it's better to live in separate places.

How many kids and what age? and how long before he moved in ? bugger that quite frankly.

He gets offended, DH and I understand we need time apart, yours sounds like a PITA.

I’m sorry you are struggling. Whose idea was it for him and kids to move in? That’s a huge change, it’s no surprise you are struggling.

You don’t have to live together for it to be a serious relationship, lots of couples with and without kids maintain separate homes because they’ve got used to having their own space and privacy and the benefits to combining a household (financial, convenience) don’t outweigh the many downsides especially now WFH is more of a thing.

Me and my partner have separate properties. We're around a ten minutes drive apart. At first, I thought it was a bad idea but now, wouldn't have it any other way.

Both of us need our space. She's quite a highly-strung individual, I tend not to be. She needs space to sort her head out occasionally; I need space to relax. It sort of works.

Is it because you need the recharge time alone? Could you encourage him to meet up with friends regularly?
On your time off, take a book to a cafe? Is there a place that rents out desks so your partner can work there once a week? Or an office he could go to?
I'd be interested in learning other ideas for recharge time alone when partner is always home too.

It's hard for sure at first. Although it was just me moving into my DP no prior kids. I don't know how id deal with kids coming too if he had any. He loves to have company 24/7 however I like my space. We both work from home so in the house together all the time really. I go to bed 2hrs before him usually to just lie down and have some space for myself while he sits downstairs and watches tv. Maybe suggest that?

There’s 3 of us living in our house atm and we all have our own personal spaces that we gravitate to. Mine tends to be the bath and the kitchen (on the sofa watching tv - not cooking 😋) DH spends a lot of time in the garden and watches TV in the living room. DD lives/eats/sleeps in her bedroom.

We rarely all spend time in the same room. It works for us and we all get on just fine.

How old are the kids? Can the play independently? I think you need to all have your own spaces.

Instead of DH and the kids going away which seems like a big faff could he not just take them out for the day every Sunday perhaps or have a fixed cinema night one a week?

You say he works from home, could he go elsewhere to work for some days to give you some breathing space?

Also you need to have a proper discussion about it and explain that it’s nothing for him to be offended about. It’s very normal for people to want time to themselves sometimes and it doesn’t mean they hate their loved ones.

Well, presumably he and his kids moved in at your invitation? It's no shame to say it's simply not working for you, that you don't want to live with other people. I mean, ideally you would have realised this before they left whatever housing they were living in before moving in with you, by having some kind of trial period, but I'm assuming they've lived in your house for a while, and it's not just adjustment to a new situation, so something has to change.

Sounds like him working from home and being there all the time is more of an issue than the kids. Is there room outside for a garden room he could work from? At least you would get a room in your house back.

Just adding to say it’s not easy living with other people, especially new ones when you’ve been used to having your own space. I struggled when my DC’s came back from uni and much as a love them I’d got used to them not being there. There are some people who are easier to live with than others and it soon became apparent which ones.

I hope your partner can see that it’s not all about him and his feelings because otherwise your current arrangement is not going to work.

You knew he had kids and you knew they were part of the package before he moved in. Unless he lied to you? As you have accepted the "package", I don't think it's fair to expect him and his kids to vanish just because you're getting fed up with them. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. You said yourself they've got nowhere to go. I think it's fairly clear that your relationship (or at least your living arrangement) is incompatible. Your obvious unhappiness will be massively impacting on the children too.

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes I really need to decompress at home alone.

I'm out all week at work in an office, I do exercise classes on week nights when my dc aren't here as it's my only chance. and every other weekend is a children weekend so it's extremely full on with my dc and his dc here.

So every other weekend is my only chance to somehow decompress- it's gone wrong for the last 2 weekends (so now a month since I've had alone time).

I slept in my DC's room last night which really upset DP as it feels like rejection.

We've been living together for over a year- he knows I need alone time, but he can't really understand what that means.