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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

so confused

2 replies

charlieinthehaystack · 27/11/2024 08:59

i hope i have put this in right place its a bit long but i will hope someone somewhere will help me
i met my partner around 10 years ago we got on well we did dog walking and house sitting fine we spent long periods apart sometimes but we were all laughs and life was bloody good i have had a lot of disastorous relationships my mental health is not good i will be honest my daughters had to go in care couple years etc
anyway i felt happier than ever for the first 12 months we were in a flat then took on a house been there since
i have made enough excuses but during covid the dog walking really died off so as my partner is 65 now he decided to call it a day he decided to start a business doing terrarium supplies and snail food hes taken over my kitchen the whole house is now a tip thanks to him but i keep my mouth shut as the few times i have asked not to keep my kitchen covered in mess etc
he is diabetic and has lost sight in one eye but he wont go to apts he lives on energy drinks and sweet things his feet are bad but he cancelled the chiriopodist i arranged for him
i have stayed through a court case he was cleared from i have supported him over the sudden death of his mum and the subsequent fall out when it turned out his mum had had an affair then it meant his brother was only a half brother the fighting with his twin and the half brother the on going four year so far battle to sell the family home the list goes on
there are few other things but thats more or less it thats the background anyway
just after covid we had a row not really a major cant even remember what it was about usually would be a bit of a sulk before then make up this time he knocked me across the floor by hitting me across the head. all told there were four times including once when i had to go to GP when the back of leg was cut open he has begged me to leave but these are my worries'
i have been in refuges before i have found they are not perfect but of course its all charity etc there is no guarrenting where so could be a long way way away i am reluctant to go to one of those i hope you can understand that im not being fussy but i am 60 and dont really want to shift around
do i stay in this area where i have settled or go back to my home town about an hour away where family is but all of them are busy so would not see them much like it was 10 years ago the kids have grown up and daughters taken on extra things i dont drive so dont want to be stuck middle no where
my shop has recently closed down due to flooding and i did selling online anyway i am not bothered about that id leave that sadly but as long as i would be able to take my dogs ashes my dogs and my photos i would not care i started again sleeping on a bare floor for 3 months anyway
yes my dogs both are if you can say it special needs i know the one is terrified of his shouting it sounds silly but dogs are my life
ten years ago i knew the benefit system well it was simple enough id move into a place landlords were wait housing benefit quite quickly and supplementary benefit i now know that the system is chaotic our change from working tax credit to universal benefit we gave up in the end
a deposit i maybe able to take some from the bank as i leave for a deposit but its hard to get to see anywhere of course how on earth do i start sorting out money to live on and paying for a place cant be many landlords who would let a place on promises this is my sticking point as long as my dogs are there i dont care i can be happy in a caravan though they might be a bit isolated no transport studio flat etc but ideally floor level flat or house etc
that is the basic my daughter says get anger management he gets so angry over everything or i go but hes started today and i have not opened my mouth yet i can see him having a stroke he is so angry
this probably doesnt make sense to anyone i still love him and would keep trying but should i go before i get badly hurt or worse there maybe other things please dont criticise me ask questions and i will answer

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/11/2024 09:38

There is an awful lot to unpack here and I’m not an expert. You have answered your own question at the end by asking should you stay or go before you get badly hurt. You have already been badly hurt and because this man knows he can be violent without any sort of comebacks on him, he will keep bringing violent.
Him - he is clearly in poor physical health and is making himself worse. He is currently making a mess of your home. He is an angry, violent man.
You have clearly been through a lot but you do have family, OP.
If I were you I would look at ways of returning to your home town. Your daughter must be so worried but must feel helpless in that she can’t do anything if you stay with this abuser.
Your safety matters more than any type of love you may feel you have for this man. No man who loves you would be violent.
Women’s Aid are brilliant with advice. They know far more than I about the situation you are in, and can help you sort through it.
You may have your own health struggles but you have a lot going for you. You want a simpler life, living in peace with your dogs and you deserve it.
I hope other posters read your words and offer some good advice.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/11/2024 10:10

This is the website for Women’s Aid. Please don’t feel you don’t qualify to call, you do. You are a vulnerable and at-risk lady.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

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