Am I right to feel concerned?

[Mumofthree198]

Good morning. Am just looking for advise as very confused about how my partner is being. For context we’ve been together 8 years and have 2 daughters. I suffer with depression and struggle with self care. One of my children has autism and I homeschool her. My days can be very tough as my child doesn’t sleep so start the day exhausted. My partner keeps making comments to me like are you going out in that, you not going to do your hair. This is multiple times, I’m normally in joggers or a leggings, but I’m comfy and am happy with how I feel. I confided in him that I was really struggling with my mental health and hasn’t washed my hair in 3 weeks. I was embarrassed but wanted him to know I was struggling. The next day I was so proud that I had managed to wash my hair and the first thing he said was as we were going out, aren’t you going to change. I felt so down that he could see I washed my hair but instead of saying well done, I’m proud it was another comment to put me down. Also always makes comments like gonna get you jeans, etc to get you out of joggers and leggings. I’ve told him multiple times I’m happy as I am and to stop making digs. Also this is my partner who does nothing round the home or helps with the kids so I do everything and I’m exhausted. Thanks for reading.

You’ve got a few different issues. The biggest one is your partner isn’t really listening to you, so isn’t respecting you. Not only is he not helping you, he’s making things harder for you with his unsupportive comments. I’m sure plenty of people will get on here and tell you what they think you should do about him!

I’m curious that you say your DD doesn’t sleep. How is that possible? Also would be helpful to know DDs’ ages. Do you have any support? Do you suspect that you or your partner are also ND? I imagine it’s tough to home school your DD, especially as you start the day tired. Do you also need to entertain your other DD at the same time, or are they at school?

Sorry I haven’t said anything helpful, but it’s hard without knowing more. One thing in your favour is your DD’s ASD diagnosis; my DS was 12 when he got his, after 7 years of torment in the school system.

Just a heads up, if you get your daughter referred to a specialist, they can prescribe melatonin for children with ND that don't sleep. I've heard it works wonders. Sorry it is only one part of your problem. But it will definitely help with your mental health.

Thankyou for getting back to me. My daughters are 7 and 10. I also have a son from a previous relationship who’s 14. My youngest was diagnosed at 4. I love her dearly but her behaviours and needs are extremely hard sometimes and her needs are around the same age as a toddler. I ask numerous times for help with the house of an evening as my youngest doesn’t go to bed until we do, she is on melatonin, it helps to get her to sleep but she wakes multiple times with night terrors every night. He says the kids/house/home Ed/school ( other two children at school). Is my responsibility as he works. He moans we don’t eat healthy enough, and to be honest some days I just about pull myself threw for the children, so comments constantly about am I going out like that, or are you going to change are really getting me down. This has been ongoing for a while and always comes back with “it’s a joke, you take everything so seriously”. I’ve suffered with depression for 6 years now and my medication really helps me, again he says I hate you rely on your “happy pills” his words. Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

He’s abusive towards you so the relationship for what it is is over. Your children also need to see that the only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none. He is a terrible example of a father figure to all these children. He’s using your MH and depression against you to keep you down and feel otherwise trapped.

Are you planning on sending your youngest to school in the future?. I would look into applying for a EHCP for her as this will give her additional support.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?

Your mental health is definitely a top priority with the responsibility of three children and lack of support. I hope your children help with appropriate tasks.

Does your DS spend time with his dad? Your partner sounds like a very negative role model!

Unfortunately, you’re very overwhelmed in your current situation and it seems the only person who can improve this is you. Do you have family or friends who can help you at all, or are you able to access some type of respite care? I don’t know what country you’re in and what may be available to help you, but you definitely need to improve your situation for you and your children.

Interesting that you’ve been with your partner for 8 years and depressed for 6. I wonder if you see a connection there? His lack of respect and consideration is detrimental to you and the children.

I have good support from friends and my sister. Unfortunately no parents. I live in the uk. My oldest does see his father fortnightly and they have a good relationship. I’m not scared to be alone just sometimes think am I being to sensitive to his actions and words, so went looking for re assurance. My older two do help me a lot and I’m at my happiest when with my children.

Thankyou for your reply. We currently rent privately. Financially I’m ok, just another thing I’ve spent all my spare money on kids Xmas and asked him numerous times for something towards it and he keeps saying he’s skint. But then parcels turn up for him. I know I would be happier in the long run, but feel his comments are always in his words banter and it makes me feel I’m being to sensitive. I have found a school for my youngest, and will carry on with echp once she starts next year. It’s a really small school of 56 across all years. Thankyou.

Banter is another word for bullying you in this case. His words are used to hurt you, that is his aim here. These men hate women too, all of them . Please do not let your children grow up thinking that such is at all acceptable in a relationship. He would much rather see you on the bones of your ass than to be happy. Do consider contacting Womens aid when he is out and discuss your options with them. It looks also like he keeps you on a tight leash financially too which makes me think you are being financially abused also.

Is the tenancy in joint names?.

I would also suggest you apply for the EHCP well before she starts school because it can take months to set up. IPSEAs website is useful and this also has template letters you can use.

Thankyou for link and taking the time to reply. I know what I need to do. Unfortunately in both our names. And so are both cars. So will have to figure out this. My everything in life is my children and I know I need to be on my own to give them the best version of me. Thanks again.

Am I right to be concerned?

Yes. This man is psychologically (emotionally) abusing you. He continues to criticise you with comments about how you look, how you don’t cook healthy enough, how you rely on ‘happy pills’, and how you take everything so seriously etc. This abuse is working; it’s affecting your mental health and self esteem, causing you to question whether you’re right to be concerned. You’ve told him you’re happy and to stop making digs but he continues anyway. You are not being sensitive. You have the right to feel respected and supported.

His responsibility is to work X amount of hours a week, and everything else is yours! This is totally unreasonable, and he’s not even doing his part of that well if he won’t financially contribute to the kids xmas.

He really doesn’t seem to be contributing anything positive to this relationship.

Re ASD DD

I’m concerned for you that you are exhausted due to your DD’s disrupted sleep. This sounds like you are not getting the sleep you require, which impacts negatively on your mental health and quality of life. How many hours sleep are you both getting each night; is it the same every night or varies at weekends? Who wakes up first?

This may be an area that could be improved. Anything you can improve before the disruption of changing schooling would probably benefit you in the future.

Just curious - how do you have a 10 year old from an 8 year relationship?

I met my partner when my middle daughter was 2 and we have brought her up as his daughter. Sadly her biological father was very abusive and ended up in prison for his actions towards me. I ended up in hospital. This is another thing I struggle with as my current partner obiously knows everything about this. I know it’s wrong but because it’s not physical abuse, that’s why I question and I’m being sensitive. My youngest sleeps around 6/7 hours with around 3/4 wakes a night and I get around 5 hours as after I get her back to sleep , it takes me a while to drift off. She is under consultant for her sleep, so am going to go back to them for support as it’s not good for either of us.

Well, it is good that he knows what healthy cooking is. He can do it in future (hear him back pedal when you mention this!)

Sadly, your current partner is also very abusive. This is emotional abuse and could also lead to hospitalisation, for your mental health. So sorry you are in this tough situation.

I’m glad you’re doing something about the sleep issue as you need to get enough sleep so you can function at your best. In the meantime, is there any way you can try to get a good sleep occasionally eg your sis stay over to help one night or can your DD spend the night with someone away from home?

He is abusive. You are confused because there’s no logic to it. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is all about it.

If you can, do the Freedom Programme. (I know you have no time but at some point if ever you can.)

You can get free legal advice here: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Good luck, I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I’m very glad you know this.

He is emotionally abusive. Please leave before he does more damage to your self esteem. You deserve better.

Edited: didn’t read the update.

I have a feeling that your mental health would improve no end if you ditched the partner