To not understand why I can't make the break?

Noseybookworm · 27/11/2024 00:47

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this 😔 I suspect your mental health is affected by being in a relationship where you're treated badly. You deserve better and so do your children. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You are important, you matter. Your children need you to be happy and healthy.

Do you have family or friends who can support you? Would it be possible to have a chat with your GP and ask to be referred for counselling? Only you can make the changes you need but it's important to get support from those that can help you.

If you feel that you're in an abusive relationship and need help to get out, you can contact Women's Aid for help and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 01:15

Noseybookworm · 27/11/2024 00:47

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this 😔 I suspect your mental health is affected by being in a relationship where you're treated badly. You deserve better and so do your children. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You are important, you matter. Your children need you to be happy and healthy.

Do you have family or friends who can support you? Would it be possible to have a chat with your GP and ask to be referred for counselling? Only you can make the changes you need but it's important to get support from those that can help you.

If you feel that you're in an abusive relationship and need help to get out, you can contact Women's Aid for help and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Thank you for your reply.

I do have a friend but I feel like I don't want to burden her.

I'm on the waiting list for therapy for the last 4 years.

Thank you for the list I will have a look.

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Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 01:17

link not list.

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Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 07:35

Bump

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SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 27/11/2024 07:37

Hey OP, I would ask MN to move this thread to the relationships section - you'll get more helpful advice and a shoulder over there.

Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 08:23

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 27/11/2024 07:37

Hey OP, I would ask MN to move this thread to the relationships section - you'll get more helpful advice and a shoulder over there.

I'll do that, thank you.

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FloralCrown · 27/11/2024 08:39

You've made the first step in realising this relationship is bad for you, now you need to extract yourself from it.

What is the housing situation? Do you live together? Share a mortgage/rental etc?

Do you have joint DC?

You've made the decision to leave and if you street doing the practical things that make a split possible, then you can start your new life without him.

FartSock5000 · 27/11/2024 08:47

@Helpme100 sometimes, OP, the thought of being on our own is too scary to make the leap and end the bad relationship.

Do it for your kids. They are learning how to have relationships from your example. Once he is gone, you can focus on your mental health and finding yourself again. You can repair the damage he caused and then when you do meet someone else, you'll be ready and able to attract real love not abuse.

Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 11:31

I don't even want another relationship. I just find change so hard. I like things to remain familiar.

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Sugarcoldturkey · 27/11/2024 12:34

You're being very brave by admitting that you need to leave the relationship, OP, and that it's not good for your children. Way too many posters seem stuck in denial and insist that the shouting/swearing/violence is not abuse.

So well done for facing up to the situation. It sounds really hard. Have you reached out to women's aid or other support? They can advise on next steps.

Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 16:17

Thank you. I have tried a couple of times to do the live chat on women's aid just trying again.

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Original poster

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 22:10

FloralCrown · 27/11/2024 08:39

You've made the first step in realising this relationship is bad for you, now you need to extract yourself from it.

What is the housing situation? Do you live together? Share a mortgage/rental etc?

Do you have joint DC?

You've made the decision to leave and if you street doing the practical things that make a split possible, then you can start your new life without him.

We live together but it is my house. We do not share DC. But my DD adores him.

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Anon751117000 · 28/11/2024 14:45

I know how this feels. I was with my ex for 17 years (2 kids) and although it was a toxic relationship from day 1, I could never go through with leaving him. I tried multiple times. Its very hard to explain why we stay sometimes - I had very little support as I moved to be with him so had no family and not that many friends. It wasn't until I realised that I couldn't even bear to look at it, let alone be in the same room that I had to go through with it. I used to see his work van parked outside the house when I returned from work and I felt like crying. I've never looked back. You will get to that point but try to remember that we only get one chance at life, don't waste it with him.

siyana · 28/11/2024 19:13

Helpme100 · 27/11/2024 00:35

I'm just lying here in the dark crying.

My boyfriend has just left after getting really irate and shouting at me.

I know it's not right. But I forgive him everytime. I don't know why it is so hard for me to end this bad relationship.

I have mental illness and I feel like it just makes me weak. But I know he is no good for me. And no good for my children. I feel so ashamed.

Hey we're going through the same thing, after 6 years on and off and i have children to. Im 28 and its killing me, he’s not their father but i just feel so lost without him. Its a little bit more reassuring to know I am not the only one feeling like this because it really does feel like you are alone

growltiger4372 · 28/11/2024 20:58

Another one here op. Different type of toxicity but can relate. Do you know what your specific fears are? I feel things have changed a bit this year for me because I am beginning to face my fears head on and try to address them. Also, looking at why I've made the choices I've made. A lot of it is to do with dependency, leftover from a very difficult childhood. So difficult to change this around but not impossible.

Original poster

Helpme100 · 28/11/2024 21:42

Anon751117000 · 28/11/2024 14:45

I know how this feels. I was with my ex for 17 years (2 kids) and although it was a toxic relationship from day 1, I could never go through with leaving him. I tried multiple times. Its very hard to explain why we stay sometimes - I had very little support as I moved to be with him so had no family and not that many friends. It wasn't until I realised that I couldn't even bear to look at it, let alone be in the same room that I had to go through with it. I used to see his work van parked outside the house when I returned from work and I felt like crying. I've never looked back. You will get to that point but try to remember that we only get one chance at life, don't waste it with him.

It is isn't it? I think it is just familiarity. I am.going through the same pattern where the upset is some days ago now and I have no motivation to leave.

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Original poster

Helpme100 · 28/11/2024 21:44

siyana · 28/11/2024 19:13

Hey we're going through the same thing, after 6 years on and off and i have children to. Im 28 and its killing me, he’s not their father but i just feel so lost without him. Its a little bit more reassuring to know I am not the only one feeling like this because it really does feel like you are alone

Show quote history

Oh, I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this too but yes at least we know we are not alone. I agree with what you say about feeling lost.

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Original poster

Helpme100 · 28/11/2024 21:46

growltiger4372 · 28/11/2024 20:58

Another one here op. Different type of toxicity but can relate. Do you know what your specific fears are? I feel things have changed a bit this year for me because I am beginning to face my fears head on and try to address them. Also, looking at why I've made the choices I've made. A lot of it is to do with dependency, leftover from a very difficult childhood. So difficult to change this around but not impossible.

It is the same for me I think. I had a difficult childhood and have emotionally unstable PD. I have a big fear of abandonment. I'm sorry you are experiencing this too.

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growltiger4372 · 29/11/2024 18:04

I used to have a chronic fear of abandonment. As time has gone on, I have become more confident in myself and that fear has gone. It has turned into more of a fear of never getting out of this situation because of one reason or another. I have feared how I will cope with dc on my own, however, this is changing - dc are getting older and less dependent in some ways and this year I have had to sort something that has left me feeling far more empowered. I think I have pretty much remained in child mode in a lot of respects over the years, gratefully handing over life work to my partner who I think has reinforced the message that I can't cope alone and I have remained unwittingly stuck. Again, this is changing around, largely thanks to the project and my growing confidence. That is to say, I have a mental health issue which has also made me hesitant and has limited my life. A proper diagnosis has enabled me to get to work on some of the issues relating to this. Getting to know myself better, I'm gradually building trust in myself. I now tell myself it might be difficult at times but not impossible. I will cope.

Original poster

Helpme100 · 30/11/2024 22:24

growltiger4372 · 29/11/2024 18:04

I used to have a chronic fear of abandonment. As time has gone on, I have become more confident in myself and that fear has gone. It has turned into more of a fear of never getting out of this situation because of one reason or another. I have feared how I will cope with dc on my own, however, this is changing - dc are getting older and less dependent in some ways and this year I have had to sort something that has left me feeling far more empowered. I think I have pretty much remained in child mode in a lot of respects over the years, gratefully handing over life work to my partner who I think has reinforced the message that I can't cope alone and I have remained unwittingly stuck. Again, this is changing around, largely thanks to the project and my growing confidence. That is to say, I have a mental health issue which has also made me hesitant and has limited my life. A proper diagnosis has enabled me to get to work on some of the issues relating to this. Getting to know myself better, I'm gradually building trust in myself. I now tell myself it might be difficult at times but not impossible. I will cope.

That is so good that you are feeling more empowered and able to cope.

For me I don't worry about coping with looking after the children etc. - it is just emotionally. If I am down my boyfriend makes me laugh and improve my mood. Then of course there are the times he is affecting my mood negatively.

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