What to do…

[anonamum123]

Help…

I wrote a post on here in June about my husband pursuing an emotional affair with one of our employees, half his age - it lasted two weeks before I found out, he promised me the world…

My sister died around 6 weeks later and he attempted to call her afterwards - for ‘closure’.

Since then we entered marriage counselling, I tried really hard, it’s been really difficult but I needed to try to make it work for my family. We have two young boys, and prior to this I genuinely thought we had a very happy life together. I read books, listened to podcasts, did my own therapy - I thought I was healing. All the while I kept saying to him that he didn’t seem the same as before, he seems distracted and not as close to me. But he said everything was fine, and better.

Around 10 days ago our dog died 💔. Then, to top it off, at the weekend, I found out he was still meeting her and chatting to her. He’s met her three times in the last three months, to talk and catch up, behind my back.

We planned to bring a puppy home next week, so the kids are super excited, but what am I going to do?! And a third child next year was on the cards..

How can I leave my husband? We’ve been together for 15 years. He’s claiming he’s getting help, it’s impulse related, escapism, irrational… it all sounds plausible. But he lied and lied and lied, even during marriage counselling. He knew how much this would crush me, and he’s done it again, just after our beloved lab died.

I know this sounds simple, he’s treating me terribly, but my dream is my family…. How do I choose to let him go without crumbling over another loss? And the kids would crumble.. I don’t know how to work on this, I don’t know what he could possibly do? If he’s continuing to gaslight me by minimising this as a mistake.. I’m very scared to be a single mum, I don’t want to be alone with two kids.. But I don’t want to be treated like this either. Will therapy help him change, do people like this change?

He can’t give her up for you. He risked your marriage the first time with an affair. He risked it a second time to stay in contact with the OW.

This isn’t really about any third party. He is an incredibly selfish man and his needs trump yours. He doesn’t want you to be destroyed, but not as much as he doesn’t want to give her up.

You want to stay for a dream but he is not the dream husband or father anymore. Your only shot at the dream with this prince is to turn a blind eye. But is that how you want to spend your life - pretending you don’t see what he’s up to?

I think that if I were you, I would have to think about how much do I actually need this man in my life. He seeing another woman, he hasn't supported you through the recent events in your life, he's not on board with your commitment to your family and regularly lies to you. In addition, you'll have to put up with his little transgressions to keep him within the family unit.

Sorry but your husband is sick. Your sister died and used that as a reason why he called his mistress for closure?! Open up your eyes and pull up you big girl panties and leave him. You're hurting yourself more by staying. He doesn't love you because if he did he wouldn't have even thought to of gone back. Respect yourself.

I looked at your other threads OP.
He had an affair before your children were born.
And he's had this affair with a young woman almost literally half his age. And also an employee . So a tremendous imbalance of power in age and status.
And you have had a really difficult time losing your sister and your beloved dog. But instead of supporting you his response has been to turn to his OW.
He comes over as a selfish faithless man.

I doubt very much if he will ever change OP.
You deserve so much better.

He won’t change.
he doesn’t love you.
He’s not a family man.
He’s not a good role model for your children and neither will you be if you stay with him.
Your children won’t be crushed. Children are resilient.
Staying with him will be more damaging long term for your children as well as you.
Being a single mother is easier than being ripped apart by a selfish man who doesn’t love you.
Being a single mother means you can live in a place of emotional safety with your children instead of living in constant emotional agony.
Being a single mum will give you your life back when the children visit your father.
Claim benefits whilst you look for a job because you can’t work with him, including help with any childcare costs.
Not only does he not love you or care about your family, he is risking your health by cheating on you with other women. There’s no way he’s just meeting her for chats.
I’m sorry to be harsh but I think you need to give yourself a shake, admit this marriage is a sham, that he will never change, ever and that the way forward is to end your relationship.
You deserve better. Your children deserve better.
Seek legal advice and see what your entitled to from the home, business and any other assets you might have, as well as getting into the CMS to have him pay maintenance for the children.
DONT NOT TELL HIM OF YOUR PLANS UNTIL THEY ARE ALL SORTED!

You are worth more than he gives you ❤️

He's a cunt.

I mean, this. He has never intended to stop, nor has he.

Kids adapt and so will you.

Ultimately, he doesn't love you enough to stop it. That's hard to accept or understand, but anything around impulses etc is immaterial - they may be true, but the fundamental point is that he doesn't love you enough to have any self-control and put you first, above those things. Every action is a choice. Every time he meets her is a choice. He chooses himself and his needs over you every time.

I haven't read your other posts but it sounds like this is consistent behaviour. So he won't change. Ever.

If he wanted to change he would be in meaningful therapy, he would have got her out of the business and deleted her contact details, he would go to support groups. He doesn't want to change.

You just need to know and accept the above before you make any decisions.

Your dream is your family. You and your dcs are your family.

Your h does not deserve any part of being in your treasured family. He is abusing it by lying and cheating over and over again.

Protect your family and get rid of him. Don't get the puppy either. It's too soon.

You know you have to leave op.
If you don’t you will be a shell of yourself.

And if you do stay your dh will carry on meeting ow because he’s already realised that he can get away with lying to you. You’ll take him back anyway so he can do what he wants.
Get a dog when you’re settled elsewhere.

I would put the puppy and the baby on hold for now. Give yourself time to decide what you are going to do before adding extras to your house.

If you want to stay in this relationship, you are going to have to accept constant affairs. He isn’t going to stop.

You can leave if you want to. Your dream family doesn’t have to include a pathetic excuse of a person.

The PPs aren’t wrong. Maybe even a part of you knows he’s trashed your marriage beyond repair.

What I would say though is that you don’t have to do anything immediately. Having a sequence of tragic/ traumatic events with little time to grieve and heal in between has a massive impact imo. It may be healthier for you to wait until you’ve rebuilt your resilience. That doesn’t mean ignoring what he has done. You can still consult a solicitor, cancel couples counselling and increase your own, make plans and gradually adjust your feelings towards him. Maybe even do less and less as a couple with your children to give them a transition period.

Even if you could forgive his relationship with OW and his lies, would you ever be able to forgive his callousness when you have been bereaved?

Do take your time while you grieve.
I would concentrate on yourself and your children. Get legal advice.

And if he is this selfish towards you then he is likely to be selfish towards the children too. Maybe they won't crumble as much as you think.

Quit couples counselling and instead get your own. Focus on seeing the world as it is rather than your fantasy happy family.
You can do this.