How to leave someone you love

GivingUpFinally · 26/11/2024 19:57

You just rip the band aid off and do it. Love isn't always enough to stay.

Be firm, inform him you're ending it, and then cut all contact. Don't be talked back around.

Be strong, you've got this

something2say · 26/11/2024 19:58

The thing is, when you keep thinking about it and there is always a road block, stop thinking about it. If there is no way around, stop going over and over it.

Be resolute - do what you need to - then stop thinking about it and mindfully think about other things. It will soon fade (been there xxx).

TipsyJoker · 26/11/2024 20:04

End it.
Block him on phone, email and social media.
If he sends you anything don’t open it. Return it.
If he comes to your home, don’t answer the door.
Fill your time with things that make you happy.
Write a list of all the times that were bad and whenever you feel weak, read it and remind yourself that you don’t need that hurt in your life.
It will hurt initially but you’ll get over it quicker than you’d think if you just cut all contact and refocus your attentions elsewhere.
Get the girls round or meet up as much as possible.
Do things you’ve always wanted to try.
Broaden your horizons.
You can do this.

Newdaynewstarts · 26/11/2024 20:07

Practically This should be simple. You don’t live together. Block ignore delete enjoy your life.

Meadowfinch · 26/11/2024 20:16

You take a deep breath and walk away.

Block him on every channel. Fill your days with other stuff. Every time you catch yourself wavering, think of something else to do or somewhere else to be.

Eventually, just when you think it isn't ever going to get better, you'll realise you don't miss him anymore. It takes time and obstinacy.

ABirdsEyeView · 26/11/2024 20:34

I think you need a plan to keep yourself really busy until the new routines of your life are properly established and you aren't so aware of the space that used to be filled by him.
Also write down in great detail everything that was truly rotten about the relationship and how bad it made you feel and re read it every time you find yourself weakening.
Ask him not to contact you. He knows this is an unhealthy relationship and if he respects you or cares about you at all, he will honour your wishes. If he contacts you anyway then you know he doesn't have your best interests in mind and is selfishly pursuing his own wants above your needs and this should harden your resolve. It will reinforce that he is wrong for you!
And yy, block him everywhere and ask mutual friends to not talk to you about what he's doing.

Original poster

summerdays84 · 26/11/2024 21:02

Thank you. I have told him. I cannot block until I've told my children though as if they are contacting him between now and then I need to know. I will be doing that this weekend so we have more time and they can talk/just be around me if needed rather than during a chaotic evening and then they're back at school. Writing a list of the negatives is a great idea. I will do that. We actually don't have joint friends. Probably due to the time in life we met and we tended to stick together or socialise individually rather than mix with each other's friends a lot. We did meet but not enough to form friendships. My parents are local and are brilliant. They know when my children are with their dad and will make sure I'm ok. My mum has told me to contact her if I wobble as she has seen everything I have gone through over the past couple of years. It's not going to be easy at all, I love this person so much, but I know he is not good for me. We are too different and I need to walk away.

OP posts:

Iwantacupoftea · 26/11/2024 21:08

My technique is to pretend they have died in a car crash or something sudden like that. Then you would just have to live without them. You would not have a choice. Think of him as dead and block all means of communication. Harsh but it is the only way. Horrible pain now but ultimately a lot less pain than continually going back to something that is not good for you.

InterestedReader1 · 26/11/2024 21:14

summerdays84 · 26/11/2024 21:02

Thank you. I have told him. I cannot block until I've told my children though as if they are contacting him between now and then I need to know. I will be doing that this weekend so we have more time and they can talk/just be around me if needed rather than during a chaotic evening and then they're back at school. Writing a list of the negatives is a great idea. I will do that. We actually don't have joint friends. Probably due to the time in life we met and we tended to stick together or socialise individually rather than mix with each other's friends a lot. We did meet but not enough to form friendships. My parents are local and are brilliant. They know when my children are with their dad and will make sure I'm ok. My mum has told me to contact her if I wobble as she has seen everything I have gone through over the past couple of years. It's not going to be easy at all, I love this person so much, but I know he is not good for me. We are too different and I need to walk away.

Sounds as if you are on the right track. An important factor is that while you are still with this one you are unable to find anyone else. That person could be someone just around the corner - but realistically, probably not. Either way, you will the opportunity cost of being with someone is not zero.
Good luck.

Original poster

summerdays84 · 26/11/2024 21:41

Unfortunately I've been on the right track many times before and have always gone back. I need to stay away this time for good. He is not going to change. This is going to be so difficult.

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 26/11/2024 21:50

Is he abusive OP?

If so, you might want to read this book. It’s a free link.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It usually takes multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can do it with the support of your family and friends. Just do not communicate with him and then he can’t suck you back in again.

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Original poster

summerdays84 · 28/11/2024 15:17

TipsyJoker · 26/11/2024 21:50

Is he abusive OP?

If so, you might want to read this book. It’s a free link.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It usually takes multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can do it with the support of your family and friends. Just do not communicate with him and then he can’t suck you back in again.

Not physically.

Today is a tough day. I am feeling quite low today. I have written a list of reasons to move on. I'll probably keep adding to it as time goes on, but today is difficult

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/11/2024 15:25

Do your children have any reason to contact him anyway?. Would they want to do so given that they’ve likely seen precisely how you have been treated by him?.

You may also be confusing love with being codependent. Have a read about codependency and see how much this relates to you.

Have a look also at the Freedom Programme as this could also help you move forward.

I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

TipsyJoker · 28/11/2024 15:39

summerdays84 · 28/11/2024 15:17

Not physically.

Today is a tough day. I am feeling quite low today. I have written a list of reasons to move on. I'll probably keep adding to it as time goes on, but today is difficult

Show quote history

He may not be physically abusive but that doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive and that’s every bit as damaging and serious as physical abuse. Sometimes the damage caused by emotional abuse takes much longer to heal. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There will be hard days. Allow yourself to grieve for the future you hoped for but is now gone. That’s perfectly ok. But please seek support from friends, family, women’s aid or refuge, counselling once you’re away from him too. It’s hard but it can be done and life is so much better when you’re not being subjected to emotional abuse at the whims of someone else. Def have a read of the book I linked and speak to women’s aid about how to make an exit plan.

Original poster

summerdays84 · 28/11/2024 16:02

Thank you. My children have not really seen any, he can control how he talks to me when they're around. I do know that if the relationship progressed and he moved in, he wouldn't be able to control it all the time when they were around. That's was the breaking point for me, knowing it would affect them. I will be making sure they have no further contact with him after I've spoke with them.

I don't believe it was codependancy. I could easily do my own thing and spend time apart. I did fall in love with him very quickly, but the person I fell in love with has disappeared. I still saw glimpses of that person at times, but the rest of the time was someone who would use words to hurt me and withdraw affection when I needed it. I reached breaking point a year and a half ago with my mental health, reached out to him and he was too tired. I ended up on anti-depressants the following morning.

Thank you for the book recommendations, I have started to look through them slowly.

OP posts:

Original poster

summerdays84 · 28/11/2024 16:03

Sorry about the errors 🙈 I should have read through before posting!

OP posts:

siyana · 28/11/2024 19:07

summerdays84 · 26/11/2024 19:32

I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. The good times are amazing, the bad times are awful. This relationship is having such a negative effect on me I know I have to walk away. I am very much in love with him though so it's not easy. I have tried to walk away a few times but I'm promised the world, he says the words I want to hear and I come back. This time I know that for my own mental health I need to stay away and move on. I'm in my early 40s, we don't live together. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, none with this partner. I know I need to be strong, but does anyone have any advice on how to navigate ending a relationship with someone you love? Thank you

Im literally going through this myself apart from Im 28 with son and daughter and he wasn't their dad. I was with him on and off for 6 years and its been a week and i feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I had to come to here for advice today

nfkl · 28/11/2024 19:10

Love yourself more than you love him.
💐

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 28/11/2024 20:00

Oh I get this OP. I have been on and off with my 2nd husband for a few years now and spilt again early October. Those who say block, delete, walk away and forget make it sound so simple. The problem is when you love somebody it is a world of pain. For me I know I have to do this once and for all but by God it hurts like hell! People say it will fade with time and that is what I am clinging onto damn though it is tough.

Original poster

summerdays84 · 29/11/2024 14:14

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 28/11/2024 20:00

Oh I get this OP. I have been on and off with my 2nd husband for a few years now and spilt again early October. Those who say block, delete, walk away and forget make it sound so simple. The problem is when you love somebody it is a world of pain. For me I know I have to do this once and for all but by God it hurts like hell! People say it will fade with time and that is what I am clinging onto damn though it is tough.

You are so correct. It is so easy to say block, contact free, etc but when that person has been your life it is so difficult. I was contacted last night, he was begging me to try again. I was strong, fair and honest. I had a couple of wobbly moments but stuck to what I need. He has promised to no longer contact me so I hope I can now start the long journey of moving forwards

OP posts: