Feel totally trapped

[girlonthesofa]

I've been so stupid and I just don't know where to begin to unpick it.

I'll try and bullet point to keep it brief

• Been with partner 10 years, not married
• 2 kids primary age
• Mortgaged home
• Always felt like something was a little off between us but put it down to my own expectations and so trundled through
• He's always refused joint accounts & marriage - makes me feel like we're not a team and these are both things that are important to me
• I don't think this will ever change, and it makes me feel just so rejected tbh
• Always had disagreements around finance, sharing the housework/kids/load etc (both work full time)
• We're in a small amount of debt (his doing - mismanagement rather than overspending) but some is in my name - stupid I know

I want to leave but I don't think I can. I wouldn't get a mortgage alone, I don't think I could afford to private rent. I don't have the cash to furnish a house in any instance. 2 kids to pay for and work around. My job is also fixed term so not permanent.

Financially just not sure what I can do here at all.

For context:

• I think there's about £6k debt in my name from his own mismanagement around taxes etc
• The car finance is in my name
• We have a joint mortgage - think I'd get approx. £50k equity if he bought he out which wouldn't be a possibility with current finance issues (the odd month where he's paid the bills he manages late or what have you)
• I have about £5000 invested in stocks & shares but really that's the kids for when they're older, although it's currently in my name

Any advice please? I feel desperate and need to try and rip the plaster off.

I don't have the answers but maybe sitting down with someone from Citizans Advice Bureau could help you get clear on what you can afford and how to unpick.

You don't have to do anything yet. It's early days but research what you could go.

He sounds horrible. You deserve better

I think if you seperate your allowed to stay in the family home until the kids are 18…

Not in England you aren't.

This is completely wrong information.

Hi I left a relationship. I earn £1350 a month around my children being at school. I get £750 uc and £170 child benefit. I get £100 child maintenance a month too.

My rent is £925
Bills are £370
Food is approx £400 a month including wash powder and toiletries etc.
I then have a few hundred left to save or buy clothing and things for the home or an occasional day out.

If you really need to do it you can. I promise.

I would make the first priority getting yourself into a position where you have choices.

Make sure the debts are properly dealt with-get an MOT of the debt with those qualified to advise eg stepchange, CAB. Sometimes it can be reorganised/consolidated to get it paid off more quickly/less interest. At least know the full picture of when it will be finished, whether you can afford to pay extra to get it down sooner.

Consider your personal income. Can you get a promotion? Apply for something better paid? Retrain in something more lucrative? Would you be eligible for any help, use an online calculator.

Research renting, work out which areas would work with school/job and find out what the real costs are. Then work out what other costs you would need to consider, running a car, bills etc so you know the full picture.

Get some legal advice confidentially about what you could expect regarding house etc if you split.

You don't have to decide right now what to do, just know your options. Don't make any rash decisions. But work out where you stand.

None of us know of there's any way to save the relationship or if you would even want to but you are stronger than you think and you aren't trapped though of course it's hard to see when you're in there.

Information is power, good luck!

Thank you everyone some great responses.

I will start to do some research and see what prep I can do in the background.

Am currently interviewing for more permanent roles too - I love my job but something a little more stable will help

@girlonthesofa Keep working hard. I know you enjoy your job but getting out of your comfort zone for a more secure and financially rewarding position is for the best.

Then hopefully you will be in a decent position to move on when you want.

IMO it's no good going from one problem to another, so it's right to have serious consideration about the financial implications.

@Honest00lad this is exactly it! Going from a relationship that whilst not perfect is ok to financial struggles etc doesn’t seem like a good move at all. Especially for the kids I don’t want them to miss out or to have the upheaval.

You’re also right about the job. I’m in final stages for one that on paper is a dream job and much higher pay/permanent but for some reason I’m suddenly scared and feel like I can’t do it! Impostor syndrome I’m guessing

@girlonthesofa yep exactly. You need to be in a position where you aren't going to struggle financially because the initial break is already going to be difficult.
I really hope you land that job. You can do it! I was in s similar position and used leaving my partner as a motivation to go and get it. Now I've got it, I'm more happy and want to stay. I'm staying because I want to and not because I have to now. Maybe just knowing you are independent and can live on your own might impact the relationship in a positive way.