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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too much to ask unfaithful DH

27 replies

Proudmum1984 · 26/11/2024 01:21

Six months ago I discovered that DH had been having an affair with a work colleague. I knew they were friends but chose to trust him as he and I have always been so close and trusting. He swears that it wasn’t anything lacking in our relationship and that it was all about attention and his own shortcomings, but I can’t help feeling like a complete idiot.
We are working things through and DH is adamant that he will do anything to make it up to me. All except one thing it seems which is why I am posting.
He told me that the affair started in the smoking area at work, who said romance was dead! He used to smoke years ago and had all but given up, but it seems he had a reason to start again. Now he says he enjoys smoking and that it helps him relax. I have told him that every time I see him with a cigarette it reminds me of what he did but he doesn’t seem to want to understand and says I am being controlling. It’s just that when I see him smoking it tears me up inside. I never minded him smoking before, but now when I see him doing it, it feels like he is twisting a knife and I imagine him with her. Maybe I should try and ignore this but it feels like he is not taking my feelings seriously. I am at my wits end, am I being unreasonable to ask him to give up, or at least not do it in front of me?

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 26/11/2024 01:43

Not unreasonable at all it’s a disgusting habit and I wouldn’t want it around me either regardless of the connection to his affair.

If it was me however I’d be out of there. You’ll never trust him again and next time he cheats you’ll feel like an even bigger idiot. I’m sorry.

EverybodyLovesString · 26/11/2024 01:45

He'll do anything to make it up to you. Except the thing that facilitated his affair. Of course that's upsetting.

Are you sure you want to try and work things through with him? Because if he can't even avoid smoking in front of you then how much effort is he really making?

BobbyBiscuits · 26/11/2024 01:52

Smoking is a shit habit. I say that as a life long smoker. Is that really the issue though? It sounds like you don't fully trust him yet, which is totally understandable.

Does he still work with this woman/ speak to her in a professional capacity? Were they sleeping together? How did you find out. As in did he confess or you caught him?

I'm not sure if I'd be able to forgive infidelity really. But that's your choice. Smoking is crap but cheating is abhorrent. Are you sure you want to stay with him?

Edingril · 26/11/2024 02:00

If you want to forgive him sure do so but i see no point in the he can't smoke thing

Yes he cheated but you are choosing to forgive that so yes to me it is controlling to ban smoking no matter how you dress it up

Sparklfairy · 26/11/2024 02:01

DH is adamant that he will do anything to make it up to me

Ah, that old trope gets trotted out a lot. They're just words OP. He means 'I'll do anything except the things I don't want to.'

When I was growing up, my mum had a friend who smoked. He was the only smoker we knew. We didn't see him much, but when we did, it was always something 'fun' - restaurants, funfairs, whatever, and obviously he would smoke around us (it was the 90s).

I didn't realise, but I grew to associate 'fun' and fond memories of this family friend with the smell of cigarette smoke, and even now, it brings up feelings of being happy and relaxed. If your DH started up again as an excuse to spend time with this woman, even the ritual of lighting up and taking that first drag could well take him back to those feelings he had before he was caught and 'had' to give it all up. The newness of it, the excitement, the ego boost, all of those feelings that are the reason people cheat in the first place, he gets to go relive them by continuing to smoke.

If it was you in his position, and you were truly sorry, wouldn't you want to avoid anything that you used to do with the other man?

MissedItByThisMuch · 26/11/2024 02:18

Absolutely not unreasonable, of course it is triggering for you - and if he won’t even not smoke in your presence I think you have to ask yourself how committed he is to making things work.

I hope he has also gone non-contact with her (new job if necessary), and committed to figuring out the underlying personality issues that allowed him to cheat, amongst other things. You are not being “controlling” asking for any of these things - he has massively betrayed your trust and you need him to unequivocally demonstrate that he is committed to changing. If he objects to doing any of the things you ask of him (including giving up smoking) he is not a safe partner.

2Sensitive · 26/11/2024 02:23

It doesn't sound like he cares much xx

LiptonIcedMe · 26/11/2024 04:20

@Proudmum1984 Does he not understand the association? Is he still smoking with her at work? I’d be worried he’s still wanting an excuse to see her.

Guavafish1 · 26/11/2024 04:27

Just get rid of the trash

BlastedPimples · 26/11/2024 05:48

Oh dear. A smelly unfaithful man. What a catch.

He's prepared to do anything apart from stop smoking? That's not anything then, is it?

Let him smoke, op. Let him have his sordid little affairs.

You skip off into the fresh air and get far far away from this awful man.

Artistbythewater · 26/11/2024 06:16

Are they still working together?

Kindly op. This relationship is over. You will be triggered by a thousand things because quite rightly you are struggling to recover from his deception.

Why are you considering living like this for the rest of your life? Never trusting him, or to know where he is, who he is with etc. I would leave honestly ut sounds like a torturous existence.

alwaysontheloo · 26/11/2024 07:23

He sounds like such a selfish cunt of a man. It's all about him isn't it?

Susieb2023 · 26/11/2024 07:34

I’m reconciled and I can assure you your husband is NOT remorseful at all if you are trying to communicate your very real triggers post affair and he’s cracking on and doing what he wants.

This is the selfishness and entitlement at his core that led to the affair shining through and so he remains unsafe.

My advice right now is to read read read. Surviving infidelity website, how to help my spouse heal from my affair and leave a cheat gain a life are all fantastic resources to help you understand his mindset and how utterly lacking in empathy, compassion and understanding he is.

This would be a deal breaker for me. You shouldn’t have a live alongside such an awful trigger for you.

Get your thoughts in order and have another very serious conversation about what his affair has actually done to your mental health and how this is a huge problem for you.

If he’s not prepared to give this up then the writing is on the wall as he will remain an unsafe partner for you.

I'm sorry you’re going through this, it is horrendous.

mamajong · 26/11/2024 07:45

I can understand your feelings but yabu to want to control this aspect for him. Focus on the bigger issue of rebuilding trust right now, you can come back to the smoking later.

category12 · 26/11/2024 07:49

Nicotine is highly addictive, I think it's a bit of a case of setting him up to fail to make it a condition of being together.

Of course he could avoid smoking around you tho.

Everything is so raw. I would try to take the issue about smoking out of it and address.whether you and he can actually fully recover from what he's done. It's still pretty early days, maybe try relationship counselling if you're sure you want to keep keeping on with him.

You are allowed to call it a day at any point even if you said you'd try to make it work.

healthybychristmas · 26/11/2024 07:52

So if he's still smoking he's still going to the smoking area isn't he?

One thing I learned is that you can't end someone else's affair.

I would end the relationship. He has no respect for you.

Artistbythewater · 26/11/2024 07:54

I think he is still seeing her.

Julie168 · 26/11/2024 08:43

He had an affair and now he's trying to make out you're controlling? - shame he didn't have some self control huh?

He put that other woman before you and now he's putting smoking before you. Find someone who puts you first.

FartSock5000 · 26/11/2024 08:46

@Proudmum1984 he says he will do anything but he's not done a thing.

I bet they still work together, right? He is still taking those smoke breaks with her etc.

I know your heart is broken and the thought of being without him hurts like you are being stabbed in the chest but he is a liar and a cheat and he WILL do it again because he knows he can. He knows he can tell you what you want to hear and you will let him stay and forgive him.

The real issue is why you think you deserve to be with a man who loves being in a relationship and the comforts that brings but doesn't actually love you.

If he did love you then he wouldn't have even thought of being with someone else.

I hope you find your self worth, OP and that you can be on your own.

Foxlovesfruit · 26/11/2024 08:52

The association with the affair aside. Him smoking affects you in several ways and it's selfish. The smell on him and his clothes, the passive smoking if he's around you, the affect on his health and getting seriously ill and the expense of this habit. How much are cigarettes these days? Expensive! Considering all this, how is wanting him to stop controlling?

AlexandrinaH · 27/11/2024 00:47

category12 · 26/11/2024 07:49

Nicotine is highly addictive, I think it's a bit of a case of setting him up to fail to make it a condition of being together.

Of course he could avoid smoking around you tho.

Everything is so raw. I would try to take the issue about smoking out of it and address.whether you and he can actually fully recover from what he's done. It's still pretty early days, maybe try relationship counselling if you're sure you want to keep keeping on with him.

You are allowed to call it a day at any point even if you said you'd try to make it work.

He definitely could avoid smoking around you. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband since 2006. He smokes. Since we got together, I’ve not SEEN him smoke. He never smokes around me because he knows it’s a horrible habit.

Womblewife · 27/11/2024 01:00

The excuse to see her and chat to the ow is still there then… and he thinks you are controlling ?! More like he is manipulating

Original poster
Proudmum1984 · 27/11/2024 22:25

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I suppose optimism and desire for us to get this sorted out is keeping me going but almost all comments are confirming my deep down thoughts. Giving up smoking isn’t necessarily easy I know that, but a bit of recognition that every time he says “just give me a minute” or “I’m just popping outside” points to the fact that he really doesn’t get the excruciating pain he has and is causing me.

OP posts:
Braintree · 27/11/2024 22:31

Proudmum1984 · 27/11/2024 22:25

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I suppose optimism and desire for us to get this sorted out is keeping me going but almost all comments are confirming my deep down thoughts. Giving up smoking isn’t necessarily easy I know that, but a bit of recognition that every time he says “just give me a minute” or “I’m just popping outside” points to the fact that he really doesn’t get the excruciating pain he has and is causing me.

He does get it because you have told him.

The problem is, he doesn’t care.

SunflowerTed · 27/11/2024 22:33

I think the smoking is the least of your worries. Is he still working with this woman ? I’d get rid of him - you’re wasting your best years in a cheater who has zero respect for you.