Anyone’s else’s partner awful when they’ve been drinking ??

[OneGreyPombear]

It’s 1130pm and I’m sat drinking tea in the hall with my dog , I can’t face getting into bed with a partner who’s just verbally attacked me and says some despicable things about me because he’s been drinking . He drinks most days , admittedly - I like a drink too , but not to his extent . When he’s had too much he will never admit it and can’t see what it does to him and how it makes him behave . I’m not working due to being ill and everything he does “for me” comes up as a row when he’s been drinking and I just don’t know where to turn . There’s no issue with no drink involved, but he also doesn’t see there’s an issue with drink or admit it . I love him dearly but I’m lost and wondered if anyone else has any experience of broaching the subject or any advice . TIA

He gets overly talkative, loud and mildly argumentative but that's it. He would never ever verbally abuse me. If he did, I'd leave him. Stand up for yourself, OP.

I have no memory of this, OP, but my dad was open about the fact that whisky "turned [him] rotten".

He said that the turning point was when he got home from the pub one night and I burst into tears. I think I'd have been two or three at the time.

Dad still had a pint or two of beer at the weekend, thereafter, but he stopped drinking whisky. Maybe it would help if your partner understood the impact of his drinking on others?

I’m so sorry. He may not drink every day, and he may work, but this is alcoholism. It’s affecting his and your lives, so that’s what it is. I left my first DH for this. Even though I liked a drink too! It was very very tough at first but you are highly unlikely to change him until he actively admits and wants to which may be years away or never. Instead, please do try to get help for yourself. My first piece of advice for you would be to get in touch with Al-Anon for support. Try to get some sleep tonight knowing that that is what you are going to do. Take care x sending support x

I think you’re right , he’s a drink mixer and it doesn’t agree with him .

when he’s not had a drink we can talk and he says he understand but continues anyway , he’s fine for a day or 2 , making a conscious effort probably, but then it starts again .

the issue is , he won’t accept that his drinking causes issues for other people , or understands the impact on other people . He says there’s no issue “I don’t even feel like I’ve had a drink” and doesn’t realise the impact he’s having or cares to admit it .

Im absolutely lost as to what to do . It’s so easy for people to say leave , but with no friends , money or backup , it’s not that easy or viable and actually I do really love him when there’s no drink involved.

@HedgehogB he always says he wants to stop but can’t sustain it . He will cut down for a week but then there’s an excuse - it’s weekend , there’s a game on , I’m off tomorrow etc etc . I know it’s alcoholism, but I love him dearly and not only for me ,but him I want to help and for things to change …. But I can’t see how . I’m just so deflated .

If there's children in the home then chuck him out. I would finish it even if there's not because life is too short to live like that.

You can't change them, they have to want it. You can only change what you do.

The thing about alcoholism is that you can't help him until he admits he has a problem. You can contact Al Anon for support and advice. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

I would not engage with him at all if he's been drinking - is there a spare room you can sleep in?

@Noseybookworm unfortunately not , though there’s always the sofa .

I know everyone’s saying the truth here , it’s just really difficult to deal with alone !

Hes now fast asleep snoring , blissfully unaware or not bothered about the upset he’s caused . I just feel terribly lost at the minute .

You didn’t cause it.
You can’t change it.
You can’t cure it.

If he says he wants to stop but then comes up with excuses to drink and can’t stop, sounds like he’s got a problematic relationship with alcohol, never mind being abusive when drunk. If it’s affecting your lives like this it’s not right and you shouldn’t be sat in the hallway at this time for fear of getting a mouthful because he’s been drinking. It’s not fair and you shouldn’t have to live like this, on eggshells every time a drink comes out.

Is he not working tomorrow or does he work shifts?

I'd sleep on the sofa! Sorry you're feeling so lost and alone - I think if you contact Al Anon there are support groups for family of alcoholics and it might help to talk to someone who is going through similar. Be firm when you talk to him that he has a problem and you're not going to enable him and you won't be engaging with him at all when he's been drinking. Ultimately you will have to decide whether to stay or leave. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Video him

His true feelings come out when he has had a drink.

Sounds like he is secretly seething 😡 and unhappy with his life too.

Do you have children?