Help me to leave. I don’t know how.

[Hekett]

And I realised tonight that it’s been 9 years since I started thinking about leaving. 5 years since I’ve wanted to do it every day.

Not married, thankfully. I am the bread winner, but I changed jobs and I’m only 12 months in, so I’m scared I could lose it at any point if one major contract goes down the shitter. Own the house as tenants in common.

He is highly manipulative and nasty. My main worry honestly is that hell try and keep my/our two dogs (jointly paid for, but he doesn’t know how to look after them properly and they are 100% bonded to me, not him). That and the impact on my 17YO DD, whose life would be severely impacted by the reduction in finances and living conditions. Frankly what I can afford on my own is pretty shit compared to what she is used to and I hate that it’s disrupting her life. And he has full control over all our money so he could quite literally clean me out, purely out of spite.

I’m so scared of the short term repercussions and the stress - I’m already almost at the point of breakdown. How do I even start planning to go and unpicking it all?

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have this all go away. I just want a life without him in it.

Why/how does he have total control of all your money?

This….

You're not married. You don't owe him shit. Bar his access to your money, but not right now. Don't act rashly, just quietly make a plan, start preparations for how you will leave where you will go. When the time is right do it before he gets any idea that you're going to be leaving.

Your daughter is almost 18, while I'm sure the transition to lower income will be hard she is an adult in a few months and can fend for herself. If she doesn't like it she can earn her own money, make her own decisions etc. by the time she's old enough to properly understand you can be certain she wouldn't have wanted her mother to live like that for the sake of a few luxeries. Will she go to university? She might be better off and get more financial assistance if you split anyway as she will be from a lower income home.

I thought I read that you are the bread winner so does that mean you earn more and he takes it.
Your dd will be off to uni or college soon and you will be alone with him

Can you contact Women's Aid OP?

They have loads of practical tips thst will help you.

It sounds like you really need to leave asap for your mental health. I hope you can call them tomo.

I believe the police can also help with financial abuse now too.

The most important thing is a safe exit.

Your DD will be OK and will understand in time.

My DD is disabled, she can’t fend for herself. So no uni unfortunately.

He controls money because he transferred our joint money into an account I have no access to because it was a higher interest rate. Both salaries aside from that go into a joint account but it’s all eaten up every month.

Edit to add - it’s not financial abuse. We have joint funds to use day to day, it’s the joint pot that got transferred out about a year ago.

WA feels like it’s for people in far worse situations than I am! My MH is at an all time low but it’s because the relationship is shit and I see no way out, not because he’s abusive as such.

And the added problem is my money is tied up in equity in the house - so I can’t just go. The house has to be sold and that could take months. Leaving the short term situation feeling absolutely horrific.

I think a priority should be getting 50% of that money back under your control if you suspect he'll use your lack of access to spite you. Do you think there's a way he could be talked into that? Can you find something with a higher interest rate so it seems logical to move at least some of it if not all?

Where do the salaries go? straight into joint account?

Do you have full access to the joint account? If so, how much is he transferring each month to this high interest account?

What reasons does he give for you not having access? If you ask for the password would he give it to you?

Personally I would have my wages paid to my own account. Then transfer half of the bills (or whatever % you pay) into the joint and keep the rest. You can tell him you found a high interest account for the rest just like he has a high interest account for the rest of his income after bills.

Would you be too scared to do that? If so, definitely contact women’s aid for advice on how to leave safely.

💐

you sound very unhappy and it sounds like he is not nice to live with. It’s always going to be hard to leave a partner but you sound like you are capable of leaving him and starting over. It’s for the best. Make a plan and bite the bullet. Good luck and wishing you all the best for a better life xx

Thank you ☺️

I need to make a plan - I just don’t know what that looks like or where to start. Feels like things are just far too entrenched and I’m so scared of the fallout. We would have to live together until the house is sold and I’m not sure I can do it. But I can’t afford to leave and rent either as our current housing costs are too high, we just have no spare money at all month to month at the moment.