Should I stay friends?

[PinkLem0nade]

Long story short I am friends with 2 other women. We are all part of a local mums group in the area.

We decided to meet for dinners and all became very close within the last couple of years.

Friend A hosted a couples dinner for her husband's birthday and I couldn't make it as we don't have any childcare in the area.

Friend A and Friend B husband's were talking about going to a concert together and they all agreed to go together.

We all are fans of this singer and they are aware I am a big fan to.

Couple months pass and I see Friend B post a instgram message tagging Friend A saying they finally got tickers etc I messaged her and said oh are you both going together and she said it was a last minute rush getting the tickers and they all decided to go when they were at dinner.

Now I asked them why I wasn't invited and both their reasons where "they forgot" and it "totally slipped their mind"

I can't help but feel really shitty about it and I explained to them how it made me feel. They sincerely think they haven't done anything wrong to me by leaving me out as they clearly have stated they forgot to ask me and my husband to go.

Since hearing their replies I left our whatsapp group and have been focusing on myself as I don't want to be a Plan B or "backup friend"

I just want another opinion reading this.

I understand why you felt left out on that occasion but leaving the WhatsApp group seems extreme.. unless there is more to the story.

I do think it's hurtful and have been in this position too

These things where one of the three ends up getting (and therefore feeling left out ) are usually not done with any malice. People can just be quite insensitive (until the boot is on the other foot) .. or maybe they were talking about the concert when you weren't around and they got excited about it and booked up there and then.

If it becomes a pattern then I would consider telling them how you feel but you leaving the WhatsApp group might mean that this happens more and more.

If they are otherwise decent people and you have a good friendship then I'd let this issue go tbh.

Christ,what a spectacular overreaction.

I don't really know what more they could have done or said. They didn't initially invite you for whatever reasons, you said it hurt your feelings, they tried to explain it. Do you really want to stop being friends with them over this? It seems a bit rash and somewhat immature.
I get you might have been disappointed but surely never speaking to them again wont make you any happier. Quite the opposite.
You must have invited friends to something before and not everyone in your friendship group was included? They weren't trying to shun you.

You shouldn't have left the WhatsApp group.

Perhaps chalking this one exclusion up to genuine error and observing future behaviour would have been a better approach.

And then retreating quietly and without drama would have been better too.

It is so hurtful when people appear to exclude you. If it's intentional.

Please be sure to have a wide circle of friends so that if you want a busy social life you have one and are not reliant on other people.

Thanks for all the replies.

I normally don't act like this but what took the piss for me was when they all posted a picture all 4 of them and tagged each other knowing I would see the pic kind of hurt. I am a grown women and it's been so hard all my life to make female friends I've never related to anyone and when I thought I found close friends just upset me with this issue that's all.

Just to add the reason I left the group was I privately reached out to friend B and she just replied in the whole group rather than understand where I was coming from.

If I stayed in the group and continued to meet for dinners I wouldn't really be my true self knowing they would rather do things themselves.

People honestly do forget sometimes or just don't think.

Many years ago, friend A and friend B had a conversation about a night out and arranged a date. The date rolls around and I get a phone call from friend A asking where I am. I had no idea I was supposed to be anywhere, they'd both forgotten to ask me! Honest mistake, we're all still friends.

Or do you feel the dynamics have changed from female friends to couple friends? I've been Wendied that way before!

I think you've cut off your nose to spite your face a bit.

Op, fair enough.

However I don't suppose their tagging each other on SM was specifically designed to hurt your feelings. I'm sure they do this anyway.

However, the replying to the group as opposed to you is not courteous.

I think you've made the right decision to just move on from them.

Always be polite though. Don't bother having a row. It gives them something to bitch about, unite over etc.

I was slowly frozen out of a group of women from a playgroup like this.
Its like they wanted me to take the hint. I stepped back but didn’t actively do anything to remove myself from the situation like you, it just became the norm that I was left out.
Its hurtful but sometimes you just have to let people get on with it.

Bluntly, OP, this is why you’ve ’struggled all your life to make friends’ . You’re taking violent offence and are flouncing off at something that is, at best, a minor slight, or an entirely unmalicious oversight. That’s pretty much the definition of ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’.

If your DH was also going to go to the gig, and you’ve no local childcare, how were you going to manage?

If we all did make a plan to go together I would have taken my daughter to my parents house across London as the gig was in London so it was manageable and we would be back the same night.

I understand my overreaction also to the fact that they kept saying oh we only managed to get 4 tickets and we aren't even sure if we're going etc it was all a bit too much with the excuse.

I understand I was left out of this situation but anyone else would feel the same way.

I have a autistic child and I've struggled to make mum friends who I can relate with. I just feel our friendship has ran its course now.

But maybe they erroneously assumed that because you couldn't get childcare for the dinner, that you wouldn't be able to get it for the gig?

Hi. I don't think that's the case when we all actively make dinner plans together. When I first messaged them about it I even said to them if you told me after the dinner (I couldn't make) I could have tried to get tickets on my end and I would have made the night work. I personally feel they didn't want me and my hubby there for some reason.

I don't see any bit where you were arranging to get tickets to go and see this act you're such a fan of and inviting your friends along. They made a plan when you weren't there and sorted it out. If it's like any concert tickets I've got lately, it's a ballache stress getting numerous tickets. Easier to just get a pair. Plus the more people you buy for, the bigger chance of getting stuck with tickets when someone can't come, which often happens when childcare is an issue, with many threads on here to prove it.

What I'm saying is there's many legit reasons why they booked their own outing and didn't include you, and you didn't do anything except sit it out and expect to be included. I'd be more chill and own your lack of action. You being a fan doesn't mean they have to remember that and add you into plans when you're not there.
To make it about being best or back up friends feels needlessly dramatic.

Fair enough.

If you feel like you're being left out purposely, then I can see stepping away at least takes control back.

I certainly wouldn’t have seen it as anything worth ending friendships I valued over.

You weren’t able to make the dinner where this plan originated — they’re not psychic, they weren’t to know you had childcare plans you could activate if there was something you really wanted to get to, and may have just discounted you on those grounds alone. And they probably feel very put on the spot now by your obvious resentment, so are coming up with ‘We could only get four tickets’ etc and don’t want to get into individual conversations about it. The fact that they were upfront about having hit the tickets suggests no malicious intent.

Meanwhile you’re apparently not getting to a gig you would love, and have walked away from a friendship group you valued.

You asked for opinions. Mine is this; that this is not worth ending friendships you value over, and your resentful response and departure from the WhatsApp group go some way to explaining why you say you struggle with friendships, if your response to something you perceive as a slight is to flounce off feeling unwanted. In your shoes, I would return to the WhatsApp, say ‘Sorry, I overreacted, I was feeling a bit over-sensitive’ and see if getting tickets is still possible, and go and enjoy myself. Absolutely, expand your friendship horizons (I don’t think being solely dependent on one friend or set of friends is ever a good idea), but don’t write off valued friendships over something so minor.

Do you have other friends ?
it doesn’t seem in this case anything malicious happened also friendships do shuffle a little at times
going ahead there might have been times another couple were left out

I think you might benefit from chatting to someone else not involved - you have been a bit hasty to take offense here

What does your husband think ?
If you leave the group as others have said you are purposely excluding yourself and your husband and there is no indication it was a pattern of behaviour

If you liked your friends before just go with the flow and you don’t need to be the favourite or first choice all the time

You’ve rather shot yourself in the foot, haven’t you. No gig, no friends, all over throwing your toys out of the pram became two couples made plans without you.

When you are friends it doesn’t mean you are joined at the hip. A and B can go out without C, B & C without A, A &C without B. This is normal and healthy, nothing to get steamed up about.

It’s a shame that you missed out on something you would have liked to be part of. However, your overreaction means you’ll now miss out on everything. And your form friends will think you’re a drama queen, so they would be less likely to want to include you anyway.

What a self inflicted mess!

Your question is: Should I stay friends? I don't think that's up to you anymore. You sound very reactive and most adult women don't value that in friends. You have taken them going to a concert together as a personal slight and your actions after that makes it very hard to continue with a friendship in any type of comfortable way. Even if they agree to still hang out with you they will most likely make sure they see you less and less until there is no friendship left. I know I would as I don't want people who takes offence so easily in my life.

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I just wanted another take on what I was going through.

Just to add I haven't had a argument with any of them just thinking about the future.

My friend reached out this morning and we've decided to meet just to catch up so I'm ending this conversation here. Thanks all.

Oh that's good news.

I would try to maintain the friendships. If it becomes an ongoing thing where you feel excluded, then step away, but on one thoughtless episode i wouldn't.

I'd apologise and blame it on being gutted at missing out on whatever gig it is.