Am I just being paranoid after previous affair?

[sogsandogs]

My husband (married 19 years) had an affair 3 years ago (and I stayed and we worked through it in therapy etc)

I used to check his phone alot at first and that has got less and less but yesterday, not even sure why, no suspicions it was next to me and I had a flick through messaging apps.

In snapchat there was a person, made friends with September this year, with a very limited profile. Name was saved as simply an initial T, being the first letter of affair partners name and username was missT1243

It says last message received 9 weeks ago (around the time of them adding each other)

My brain has jumped to the affair partner and imagining allsorts - It could be anyone, but equally I cant really think of a plausible reason why there would be a conversation in snapchat with a female I dont know.

I think I am going to ask him about it but already anticipating that I might not believe what he says unless its provable that there is nothing untoward.

If there was any hint of betrayal or infidelity I would have to leave and divorce him, I just couldnt accept a single thing after recovering from the breakdown that his initial affair created.

Any advice or handholds welcome

That's really upsetting for you OP.
When you worked on your relationship after the discovery of the affair did you both agree to " rules" ? And adding unknown women on Snap chat would surely have been regarded as a definite no because your DH should have agreed to do everything to regain your trust. So even if this women isn't his affair partner it doesn't look good.
How did you find out about his affair? Did it end because you discovered it?

I do wonder why so many grown adults have Snapchat tbh. Why would you need to be on a platform that deletes messages

I would have thought no more going on Snapchat making new friends of the opposite sex was one of the conditions the therapist would have suggested for affair recovery?

Isn't it all about never giving yourself the opportunity to cheat again? Establishing boundaries around old friendships and limitations on new ones?

No, @sogsandogs, you are not paranoid. Your H has breached a recovery requirement by using subterfuge to add and hide this woman. It sounds like he is still in ‘wayward mode’.

Another no. You are not being paranoid and it doesn't look good. I'm sorry OP - prepare yourself.

That sounds dodgy to me, and I’d be worried too op.

I’d bring up the affair in conversation- and see where that lands. Confronting him head on won’t get you anywhere, he will lie. But bring up the affairs , say how happy you are you both got through etc - then add how if you ever suspected he’d gone back to her or anyone else- it’s game over. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Unfortunately this is what happens when you stay with a cheater.

Sounds extremely dodgy OP - sorry.

Definitely not paranoia, more understandable vigilance.

Sorry to hear this but IMO once a cheat, always a cheat. There’s no trust any more.

I agree with PPs - there’s no need for any adult man to have an app with disappearing messages. You’re understandably concerned and this behaviour is suspicious.

I don’t necessarily believe once a cheat always a cheat….. but there a number of people that have loose morals and if they’ve done this type of thing more than once then yes they’ll keep on at it. It’s a pattern of behaviour for that type.

i hope you get the answers you need. Personally id not ask him - i would watch and take note and see if i could find any holes in his stories (or further evidence) and if he’s at it again I’d LTB.

I'd ask him, and judge his reaction.

My OH had an affair, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater is true, but we are very open with messenging apps.

I do believe cheaters will always cheat and that by staying with one you are subjecting yourself to a life of doubt, unease, worry and no trust.

Op, I hope you can get satisfactory answers. But he will lie about it if the connection is a romantic one. And then you will always wonder, always check.

It's a horrible way to live.

And it's never paranoia. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

It's not paranoia if someone has behaved badly in the past and you suspect similar behaviour now. Paranoia is irrational. This isn't irrational.