Favouritism?

[TwoMumTwo]

I have two young adult daughters who live at home and been a single mother for almost all their lives.

My eldest daughter is closer to their dad, the younger one is not keen on spending time with him for many years. I facilitated their relationship and I get on with him well now for their sake. He wasn’t always very nice to the three of us but it did get better in time.

My eldest I used to spend a lot of time with, she doesn’t have lots of friends and isn’t naturally very social. She has got a boyfriend now and he takes up all her time. My eldest and I can have a fractious relationship. She was a tantrum type of toddler and quite a high demand child who needed a lot of attention. She is very funny and kind and helpful (under a slightly snappy exterior!). She can be quite snappy to me, she asks to be left alone (so I do). She tells me she is happy with her boyfriend but I am unsure how honest she is being with me. I do try to spend time with her but boyfriend is no1 priority now. This is fine, I get it, just wanted to set the scene how I do try. She does come to me for advice but doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me very often. I check in with her and she has an open invite to talk to me any time

My youngest is completely different. She has a boyfriend but she also has a lot of friends, she is sociable and spreads her time around doing different things. She was always a placid child who didn’t have tantrums or make demands. Youngest and I have a very amicable parent/daughter relationship and I would say it’s actually getting quite fun now. We talk, chat and hang out together and like many of the same things.

Both sisters do spend time together without me sometimes which is lovely but they don’t always get along.

Eldest daughter is jealous and says I favour her sister, and I worry she is getting more distant. I invite her to do things alone or with her sister she often makes an excuse. I can see how it looks, that I favour my youngest but I would LOVE to have a close relationship with both of them.

Can anyone make suggestions for me please or areas I might be going wrong. I know how it looks when I describe their childhood/personalities but this is just their demeanours and I don’t know how best to reconnect with my eldest

start focussing on your eldests positive attributes now instead of what she was like as a child. Invite her to do things with you alone. Quality time with just her.

id also be aware that sometimes men try to alienate women from their families and if this is something that’s come up since she got involved with her new boyfriend, it might be that he’s getting in her ear and trying to drive a wedge between you in order to isolate her. Perhaps not, but it’s worth keeping in mind.

All sounds pretty normal to me. They're growing up, try not to be too involved and let them be with you when they want

My advice would be to treat your eldest as if she is a female friend and not as your adult child.

Try to let go of the image of her as the more difficult child and reframe your relationship a bit.

Siblings are different - and first time round as mum, you're often a bit of a different animal with your second.

Maybe arrange a weekly or fortnightly coffee date with her (or an activity like cinema or class if you have shared interests)?