Sorry this is a long one! I have tried to include the key points, but there is so much more to say still.
After 8 years of marriage, I’ve finally had enough of my sister-in-laws' nastiness and toxicity. My husband and I are both on the same page now—we're done with them. Honestly, we’ve only kept in touch with them all this time because they’d help look after my mother-in-law (MIL) when we went away, but that’s no longer the case. So, we’ve decided enough is enough.
We cut them off for 18 months a while back, but the eldest (the ringleader) came crying to me, apologised, and I forgave her. We rebuilt the relationship, but now, with a baby on the way (via IVF), I just can't keep pretending everything is fine.
The final straw was when we asked the youngest sister to look after MIL for just one week in February so we could go on a babymoon. She flat-out refused, saying it "isn’t practical" because she only has two beds in her five-bedroom house. The ringleader who delivered the message suggested that we go at Christmas or April instead, which doesn't work for us. I suggested respite care for a week, but she freaked out and called my husband to shout at him that it is our duty to look after MIL, not anyone else's. My husband says that the truth is she simply doesn't want to help. It’s incredibly frustrating, and I’m just done trying to please them. In their heads, they have done nothing wrong, and we are out of order for trying to get them to have their mum. They expect me to be here for MIL 24/7, despite none of them living with their own mothers-in-law.
Yesterday, at a family gathering, they made it so clear how little they care. They moved to a separate room to avoid us and didn’t speak to me once. They spoke their own language and didn’t even try to include me. It was obvious, and I felt completely excluded. Again. It seems so silly for the fallout to be because of a holiday that we aren't even going on!
On top of this, we care for my MIL full-time due to her mental illnesses—cooking, cleaning, managing her medications and doctors' appointments, and helping her with personal care. The only break we get is when we go abroad on holiday, but even then, we often feel the weight of it. They will be unhelpful, moody, and reluctant to take her. She constantly interrupts my work meetings, asking me to do things like make tea, turn on the heating, or change the TV channel. It's exhausting, and it causes tension between my husband and me. Even our meals aren’t safe from criticism—if we don’t eat when she wants us to, she’ll complain about it being cold. Or when we eat what we want. she will get upset that it isn't what she wants us to eat. Unfortunately, she does not qualify for a carer, and when we have arranged one privately, she kicks them out of the house and tells them that her daughter-in-law will do it all for her.
During the previous 18-month period when we cut them off, they would not invite us to my nephew's birthday parties, then post pictures on WhatsApp stories so we knew we were purposely excluded. On religious holidays, they visited us, but the children were asking about the ‘secret dinner’ they had at their aunt’s house after visiting us. They also made things awkward during their visits by ignoring us, only talking to their mum, and then purposely leaving a mess for us to clean up.
I’m struggling with how to move forward—how to cut them out for good without feeling guilty or dealing with any more manipulation. I get upset at being left out but his is such an important time in my life, and I want to protect my peace. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you set boundaries and stick to them without feeling pressured to forgive or go back? How do I handle this without feeling guilty? I am incredibly sensitive and struggle with rejection.
TLDR: After 8 years of marriage, I’m done with my toxic sister-in-laws. They’ve been nothing but negative, manipulative, and exclusionary. Despite us caring for my MIL full-time, they offer no support and make things harder. We’ve cut them off before, but I allowed them back after an apology. Now, during my pregnancy, their behaviour is unbearable, and I’m setting firm boundaries for the sake of my peace.