Should I tell my children we are back together?

[tardiz]

I was with my ex partner for 7 years (not the kids dad) until August of this year. I said from the beginning that I never wanted to introduce a man to my children and we saw eachother when I was kid free (he doesn't have kids). In the last couple of years we had started slowly introducing him to the children for days out etc. Which then lead to him staying 1 night a month with us. This seemed fine and the children seemed to like him. I'm not sure why we went down this path. I was full of 'shoulds' of how the relationship should progress. This was all fine. This then started moving to 2 weekends a month beginning of this year and it was obvious we all struggled with this and the beginning of August this year we split up.

Since the beginning of October we have been back in contact and have been seeing eachother when I'm kid free and have decided to go back to this set up which seemed to work for the both of us. I'm happy. He is happy. My children are happy. I'm trying to block out the views of my friends who keep telling me ' you and the kids are a package deal and get rid if he can't deal with that'. But I have this niggling thought that I should tell my family and children we are back together in this capacity. What are MN's thoughts?

Thank you!

There no rule book if it’s works it works

I wouldn’t tell the children at the moment because you’ve only just got back together. If you’re only seeing him when you’re kid free and it’s been 6 months, then maybe tell the kids. But you can keep it to when you’re child free if that’s what works for you. It doesn’t affect the children, so if you’re both happy with that I don’t see the problem.

I'd tell them, simply because having to hide something will become stressful over time. I think it's totally fine to have a relationship that doesn't follow the "move in, marriage, kids" path, just do what makes you all happy.

It doesn't fit an ideology and so I can understand why people might not like it. I guess be mindful of any compromises you're making and where you want to be in the future with him. As you're coming closer to Christmas I would probably just tell them as otherwise it's going to be a weight on your mind by the sounds of things. It's not like he's new in the picture...but if your friends don't like him because he's in anyway coercive or otherwise unpleasant about your responsibilities as a mum then I would agree with them.

I would keep is casual and the indoors to the times kids aren't there, going back and forth affects the kids even if they do not tell you

How old are your DC? That's the big question for me. If you don't tell them for ages will they then think you were seeing him behind their backs so to speak? How were things left when you did break up? What exactly didn't work about it? (not asking you to answer that, just something to think about).

There's so many variables to this that I don't feel able to give an answer. Looking to the future, what do you want from the relationship? If he was going to be around for the long haul, how will the DC feel later on? Would they be ok with it or would they feel well my mums partner never bothered with us so I'm not bothering with him. In that, I do understand your friends views on being a package. He can't really expect to have you and never again interact with your DC.

Your DC are happy right now because they don't know you're with him! But personally I don't think it's right to hide things from DC to that extent. But again, that goes back to how old they are, level of understanding etc. Guessing they must be at least over 8 or so if you've been with him 7 years.

Your friends sound a bit thick.

I would tell the kids, because I don't like secrets, but make it clear you have no plans to start inviting him over again.

Did you split up because he had issues with your children? If so I can completely see why your friends have an issue with you getting back with him.

So when he was seeing your kids 2 weekends a month it didn't work out? If that's the case it won't work out in future will it. So where's it going?

If he's just a bit of fun, and you never plan to live with him or have him round the kids again, that's fine. So long as he's aware he's only for fun. Be aware that being with him will probably prevent you meeting someone more suitable.

If you are serious, then ditch him. If it's never going to work between him and your children then it's not going to work is it. (Unless your children are about to leave home or something and they'll only be together for short visits in future and that might be okay).