I would love a second child, but my partner doesn’t and I’m struggling to navigate through this

[mamainsuffolk]

Please delete if this isn’t allowed, but I’m after a little advice and if anyone has been in a similar situation …💔 I would love a second child, but my partner doesn’t and I’m struggling to navigate through this.

I have always dreamt of having two children and when I met my partner, he also said he saw himself having 2-3 children. We currently have a 1 year old and I’ve brought up the discussion of baby no2 in the near future (not right now, but not waiting years) - but suddenly, its a very firm no from him.

Bit of a backstory, I had an abortion at 16 (I’m 27 now), it was a very difficult decision, one that I do not necessarily regret, but still grief to this day. But when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified.

When finding out I was pregnant with my now little one, it also wasn’t the excited and happy announcement I’d always dreamt of as it was a little surprise! We both wanted children, but slightly further down the line. My partner didn’t initially want the baby (he’s an incredible dad now and can’t see life without our son) but it did take him around 20 weeks to fully come round to the fact he was being a dad. And for the whole first trimester, I felt so alone and how I did back when I was 16.

We spoke not that long ago about having a second baby and he was all for it. I said I was looking forward to finally finding out we were pregnant and having that excitement that a mum to be should have because I felt that I missed out on all of that. But it turns out he was only agreeing to make me happy at the time and that he’s very firm that he doesn’t want a second - despite helping me keep all our baby things and putting everything in the loft…

Now my partner is an incredible dad, but his life hasn’t exactly changed, he’s not even gotten up once in the night 😂 I’m the default parent which I’m fine with- but I also still work as a freelancer (have done since 2 months pp) as well as raising our baby whilst he goes to work, gym, aboard (for work) etc.

I love him dearly, and would never want to guilt him into having a second just because it’s always been my dream to be a family of four. But I’m really struggling to navigate how I’m feeling and that I was led to believe my first wouldn’t be my last. Now I have to grieve all those firsts with my son because they are most likely going to be my lasts.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how you moved past it? I didn’t realise how much this would affect me mentally! 😫 thank you in advance xx

I don't understand why you want a second child with someone who doesn't pull his weight. How are you going to cope with two young children, work and everything around the house? It's such a lack of respect to you for his life to remain unchanged.

Second, he lied to you until fairly recently. He told you he wanted more children when he obviously didn't.

Third, you can't make him have children he doesn't want to have.

I was in this situation and it took me around around 8 months or so to get over it. we had always planned on having 2 kids but when my DD was 1, DH decided we were 1 and done. i initially didnt take this well and brought the subject up a few times. when it was clear DH was set on not having any more kids, i had to accept it and some months went by. one day i told my DH that we should clear the attic of our DD's baby stuff. he went silent and didnt want to talk about it. my DD was around 2. a few days later he said it would be nice for DD to have a sibling and i was completely shocked. I'm not saying your DH will change his mind, but he might. having a 1 year old is extremely stressfull, and its stressful to think of another child in the mix. if your DH doesnt change his mind, you might get to a place where you are excited for your future with DS being your only child. when i came to terms with only having 1 child, i made so many plans in my mind for us as a family of 3 and it was a beautiful feeling. in fact, i was so content that when my DH said he did in fact want another child, by then a part of me had already closed the chapter. Goodluck and i hope all works our for you.

Why on earth do you want a second child with someone who can't/won't look after his first? He's a loser. Meanwhile you're running around doing everything.

Get rid. You're still young.

I think having set expectations causes a lot of unnecessary grief. I’m not minimising your desire to have a second child - but the whole ‘have that excitement a mum to be should’… not everyone gets that due to various circs. Don’t hang on to an expectation.

Also, the grief of the ‘firsts and lasts’. Just enjoy motherhood without thinking of everything as a first and last? Let go of ideals and be happy with your blessings.

Your other options are to see if he’ll change his mind, or dump him and find someone you can have another baby with…

I don’t get he is a great dad .. His life continues but doesn’t support you .

ultimately you need to decide if he is worth staying with or is the desire to have a second baby more.

He doesn't sound like a great dad to me. He sounds like a lazy, immature git.

However, I can also understand why, with a one year old, he might not be keen on having another. What's the rush? You are still battling sleepless nights and nappies. Adding a second baby into the mix, especially while you are doing all the care, would add a huge amount of stress. Why not wait a while and see whether he comes round.

Amazing dad????? Your bar is low

extremely unfair comments. if OP says her husband is an amazing dad then that is what he is. my DH hasnt done nights either but he is an amazing father and husband. i am more confident and comfortable waking up in the middle of the night and i BF so tbh my DH would just get in the way