Is this shitty parenting or am I being over-sensitive cos he's turned out to be a shitty partner?

[Theworldneedsmorelove]

Very short version of back story for context and to hopefully not drop feed...There isn't really a question he has been a shitty partner at this stage, but it was a good enough in the start with enough highs that we've somehow made it to 13 years with a 8 & 6yr old. There has been 3 episodes in that time that I would have been justified in leaving, but we ended up working it out, until this summer when it spilled over to the kids. Partner works away a lot (Monday -friday and some weekends) I've felt that he either forgets about us or we get tick-box contact whilst he's away for quite some time. A few months ago he was pissed off at me over something, so didn't call home once to speak to the kids or ask how they were for 2 weeks!! It was the final straw and I ended our relationship. A few weeks ago (we hadn't told the kids yet for a few reasons) I messaged him about selling the house (I love it, but it's a 2 wage house, I can't afford it solo) He asked to discuss at the weekend and long story short he's had an ephinany and wants us to give it one more go. He said a lot of "the right things" but I said I wasn't sure that it wasn't too late...he asked me to think about it and here we still are. (In all honesty probably wobbling cos of the kids, nightmare logistics if we split and finances, more than soaring hope that the ephinany will fix things)
Cut to the last 2 weekends. He has been away. Last Friday our daughter was off school ill....he didn't call home at all that day or send any messages asking how she was anytime that evening. This weekend away again. Hasn't replied to a message about some arrangements for the kids, that I sent 24hrs ago or tried to call them today.
He is somewhere with internet, so no excuse there.
It probably goes without saying that being away so much he doesn't have the same bond with them as I do, but even so! When they have visited his family with him for a few days in the past I call them every day and ask for pics and updates etc. I can't imagine just not bothering.
Is this as shitty as I think it is or am I over reacting cos I am already so disillusioned with him? Is this normal for some people who are away a lot , maybe I am a little too obsessed with my kids. I pray for a break then miss them as soon as they are gone. Lol.

Trying to separate his behaviour as a parent from that as a partner (mostly for my sanity going forward) so outside perspectives please!

It's shitty. He is a shit parent.

100% shitty parent and shitty person all round by the sound of it. You're better off out of it

He sounds like a shit partner and a shit parent…
That behaviour is horrible. To cut off communication with you is so selfish and not fair. You deserve better than that !

He's not acting like a parent. What he is acting like is a single adult male free to do what he likes and when he likes with no consideration for others. Let him go, he's only interested in you not taking his money regarding cms or losing his house investment.

Why keep a shitty human being around when you are doing everything as a single parent?

Thanks. I guess I got kinda used to patchy communication for myself over the years and I'm pretty chill (until riled and then totally not 😅) but as a parent I'm just like 🤯
His phone is never out of his hand when his home...yet mysteriously misses calls from the kids and messages from me for hours when away, so I can help but feel he ignores them until he can be bothered.

Which I have no doubt he would deny!!

He's shittier than a shitty shit and can't even manage more than a shitty attempt to reel you back in again.

He has completely checked out and it’s time to close it down. There is no recovery from this. This was me and my ex - he asked for another ‘go’ but I think it was more down to the asset striping of a divorce.

I called time on it and he moved on pretty quickly - which hurt. He’d checked out a long time before me so was rocking and rolling and ready to go with some one new pretty much straight away. I often wondered if he was already on dating apps - which I think he was because he would have liked the attention and validation. He didn’t need any from me so didn’t have to try I suppose.

There is no excuse for him not checking in on his child. Him not replying to you shows he couldn’t care less and you’re not important to him.

This is pretty much what I said to him when I ended it a few months ago, that I've mostly been a financially supported single parent the entire time. He supposedly has realised that this I true and that he has been selfish and not really realised how much is left on my shoulders when he's away.....and yet here we are mere weeks later
So much time away has allowed him to never be fully absorbed into being a full-time parent, so he has no actual clue what it takes or how he has still been able to be so self-centred.

Strangely enough I think he cares more about not being seen as the bad guy as he wants to be a good guy and good dad....but sadly is too self-centred.
When I said I would have to sell the house he offered to pay for it until youngest was 18 (he would of course have to live in a family house for now...hours away from here, leaving me to continue solo parenting)
I was the one to say it wasn't viable and had no desire to have him wave that in my face every time he did something else shitty or change his mind when he got a new partner.

When we were married, my DH used to work away a lot, and I never expected him to check in with our DD. I think checking in with them can make them miss you more. Personally his behaviour wouldn't bother me. You're clearly just looking for a reason to end it, so go ahead and do so. You don't need anyone's permission and you don't need a 'good enough' reason. You can end a relationship just because you want to.

Generally speaking, I get where you are coming from and the kids are so used to his absence they don't notice if he calls or not. These were 3 specific examples though... ignoring them for 2 weeks to make sure I knew he was pissed at him, not checking on his daughter who was ill off school and ignoring 4 calls from his kid , who was upset by the 4th time, so I had to text him and tell him to call asap ...which still took an hour (on a Sunday, not when he was at work) which was at least 5hrs after the first call...which luckily wasn't an emergency.

As a parent, I just cant fathom it.

And definitely don't need a reason to leave, I have an arsenal...this is more trying to separate my feelings for him as a partner from him as a parent and understanding that one may skew the other....thus, outside perspectives.

Any chance that he was engineering these arguments before going away so he could feel justified in not having to contact you? It does appear 'out of sight, out of mind', which leads me to think he could be leading a double life already with a secondary relationship elsewhere- hence no communication so OW isn't suss about things. The always having his phone in his hand when at home backs this up too. Was he protective of his phone at home too? Keeping it face down perhaps when next to him so banner messages could not be seen.
I wonder what job he does where there is a mix of going away just for the weekend, then going a away for whole weeks? The weekend only seems an odd pattern - did he always do that part, or did it creep in? Are you sure his trips were all about work?

It's definitely work and always been that way since I met him. But if he wanted a double life he could , but he isn't good enough with finances to pull it off, lol, and calls when they happen are video etc. Mostly he is selfish and a poor communicator, made worse by the fact he hasn't been here more than a few weeks full-time, so hasn't had to dive into the full-time parent role ever. He wants to be the good guy and has had phases of trying hard thus why it's lasted this long....sadly it just doesn't seem to ever stick

Instead of trying to separate his actions as a partner versus parent perhaps it's time to sit down and look at his basic character and actions now the rose tinted glasses have fallen off. Ignore his words, look at his actions.

He's selfish.
I assume lazy, ie doesn't do household chores.
Poor communicator.
Controlling.
Manipulative.
Deliberately being abusive to a 8/6 year old.
Deliberately being abusive to his partner (silent treatment is emotionally abusive, belittling, destroys self worth etc).

Tell me why you would keep someone like that near your children. Would you let an uncle, neighbour, brother be near them or reduce contact? He might want to be a good dad but wanting and doing are two different things. I want to be a size 8 twenty year old and despite desperately wanting it we both know it's not going to happen. He's had eight years minimum to step up, how much longer does he need?

He's shit, should have been looking for a new job along time ago... things change when you have kids and so should his priorities. I would become single as it sounds like your both near enough there just need to sort the financials and then be happy 😊

He’s a shit partner, an even shittier parent, and even his attempt to suck you back in is shit, he can’t even give that more than 10% effort.

Get rid and arrange child maintenance on the basis of you having the kids 100% of the time.

My guess is that once you’ve officially separated his interest in his children will be even less than the pitiful amount he displays now.

His a shit dad for sure. My husband works away a lot, but usually only away for a few days at a time, never the weekend. He very occasionally will text or call and ask me how the kids have been... but most of the time he doesn't ask. He certainly never calls or messages them directly to talk to them, and if he calls me he never asks to talk to the kids. I've given up trying to get him to be a better parent - the kids are old enough now they've seen it for themselves and they know when I've pushed him to do something for or with them. Your kids will get to that stage too.

Does this ever chnage?

How is he when he is on annual leave?
Does he ever take the kids alone for a camping trip or look after them while you are having a break?
I would have to insist that he has more parenting hours; he has no natural bond with his family; weirdly cold and detached.

Could the behaviour be learned due to enforced workiing away and you being so capable? Or is it innate?
Has he seen a psychiatrist?

I can see how you would think that given the info I've shared , however his in person parenting has improved vastly in the last couple of years (after it came to a head before and he got some counselling) the kids adore him and he is good with them at the weekenda, thus why I have yo-yo'd for so long.... however it falters if he is home for longer stretches and there's just too many little things that I think show he doesn't care that much (as I said he would argue otherwise and got offended when I pointed out ignoring your kids for 2 weeks makes you a shitty parent!)

I guess I worry that I finally walk away and he does slowly disappear, leaving them heartbroken 💔

He starts of good on annual leave but struggles after a week.
Definitely some learned behaviour (his dad was shit but spent money on fancy Holidays and stuff and somehow still has a relationship with all his kids, his mum left his dad when he was little, but he was still controlling and they were all scared of him ) and definitely some cluelessness cos he hasn't been around and I am independent and capable of just cracking on.
He is definitely one who needs praise for doing what, in my eyes, he should just be bloody doing as a parent.
He did go to counselling twice over our relationship and there have been definite improvements...this how we've made it this far. But at the risk of sounding like a dick, I feel like I'm the one who has taught him to be a better parent and if it still hasn't fully clicked by now, is it ever gonna!
He is finally changing jobs next year, but it still means him being away 40-50% of the time instead of 60-70%

Ex was like this - probably worse - he never spoke to the kids when he was working away (which got more frequent)

When I finally ended it (because of what he was getting up to while he was away) the kids didn't even notice for 2 months (he was supposed to be coming back so we could tell them together, but added his girlfriend to the Apple family account instead, so I had to tell them alone). He didn't really talk to them, and barely messaged them for 18 months.

Even now, he sees them a couple of times a month, but nothing in between.

In contrast, my eldest will often message me from school to tell me how a test went, and when I've gone away from work, we've spoken every night - and that's the kids wanting to talk to me (and me them obviously).

He just doesn't really believe other people exist unless they're in front of him is the basic problem. Children even more than adults.

How are your kids with his absence now?

My worry he will fall out of their lives is a big part of what has kept me in it this long I think. But have grown weary of the self sacrifice, even though they are happy as Larry and blissfully unaware (for now) my son is heading towards realising I think though, he has always been a total mumma's boy but is starting to want dad's attention now..

I know I can't protect them forever unless he does finally get his shit together, but can't help but want to try.

But this thread was mostly to see if I am being over-critical of his parenting cos he has been a crappy partner and the general consensus seems to be that I am not. 😅

I don’t think you’re overreacting. That is an appalling lack of contact for young children and presumably not new,

My four year old has had three video calls with her dad today as he is working away - in the morning before childcare, when she got home and before bed. Granted, he does not go away as frequently as your DP but he misses her loads and she needs him. The saddest thing is probably that your kids don’t rely on him because he is not there for them.