Loneliness after divorce

[Manhattanss]

I recently got divorced — I have early/mid teen DC who don’t want to hang out much with me in the evenings but aren’t young enough to leave by themselves yet (and I don’t want to tbh as I only have them half the time).

When I’m not with DC I have an active social life, a job I love, lots of great friends and have even been dating someone (early days) — but when I’m at home with the DC in evenings I often end up feeling lonely and depressed.

They just seem to want to be on their phones/chat/game with their friends, though will sometimes watch TV with me and we do eat together. It’s just the adjustment from always having another adult around to no-one (grown up) there to share the day with etc. How do others deal with this? Does it get better?

I’m not looking to move in with someone else to be honest, probably ever — so I just need to adjust to being on my own more I think.

I guess I should count myself lucky for all I have. I just can’t shake the feeling of having no-one to talk to. I suppose you just get used to it?

I treated myself to a couple of books from Waterstones, a bottle of lovely bubble oil, and some new PJs. A long hot bath, then bed with a book. Blissful.

I have the radio on most of the time for company, or just enjoy the peace. My ex was not a peaceful person so it is a huge contrast. such a relief..

Thanks both. I did get lonely pre divorce too so I know how that can feel too, sorry you’re going through that @BeenThere101 . I will say that overall I’m happier post divorce, it’s just these particular times (winter evenings!), especially with kids getting older.

I love those ideas @Meadowfinch . I think I’m not used to thinking of my evenings like that, especially with DC, but I do have a lot more time for books and baths, both of which I love!

I feel the same OP. I've been separated for three years now and very lonely. I co parent well with my ex H and he even comes over for dinner sometimes when he drops DC off. That makes the loneliness worse as I get a small reminder of how things were before we split.

I agree that overall I am at peace and calmer than being in a bad marriage but it's a different kind of loneliness and I don't know how to get over it really. I spend a lot of time alone and indoors and feel myself getting physically and mentally unhealthier as the years go on.

I do try to keep in contact with friends but you are right it's no replacement for having a husband or partner to share the days with.

Sorry no answers I'm afraid but I do feel you.

I can really relate to this. DS is at an age (13) where he doesn't want to hang round much with me much at all but still sort of wants/needs me in the house in the background. I can leave him for short periods but wouldn't go out all evening for example. If I do go out he will ring me asking how long til I'm back etc and when I return he says hello and then hibernates in his room for the remainder of the evening. So it feels lonely but I'm not 'free' to make plans with friends etc.
I am seeing a lovely new man but very much separately to when I'm with DS. Which doesn't leave much free time. It's tough, not sure what the answer is.

Thanks @Thishouseisafckingprison — same for me in terms of dating being totally separate, so my kid time is solo. That’s the bit I find tough, but it was worse being in an unhappy marriage, that’s for sure. I think I need to learn to do my own thing more, in a nice way (reading etc) while remaining ‘available’ for DC. Often I’m just on my phone kind of waiting for them to appear (sounds sad!) or putting off all the endless chores…

You are describing my life here, down to the scrolling on my phone not really doing anything, or chores. So just this limbo state.
I'm going to try really make a conscious effort to make my time work better for me, in terms of self care. So get chores done then do some reading, exercise, skin care etc. Just little things which improve my wellbeing when I make the effort to do them.
My boyfriend is lovely, I'm just not sure when or if we'll ever make that transition to living together. It's been so difficult to rebuild after divorce, that I'm not sure I'd ever be brave enough to go for it again, and that's quite sad.

My personal feeling is that you are either the kind of person who is happy on their own or not. I knew after divorce I didn't want to spend my life alone so I made moves to meet someone. I believe you have different stages in your life and I am now retired, very happy and travelling the world with a new husband. People who get divorced are not always disasters ( look at us 😂) and can meet and have a happy new stage of life. I'm not a believer in restricting myself because of one bad experience. Turn the page... you never know what is there.

I wish I knew the answer.
Very much in the same boat here too. I feel really sad about it TBH but I can't see an obvious solution.
I didn't choose to end my marriage but the outcome is the same -still lonely.

It takes time, lots of time if you’ve been with your ex a long time. Even if it was an unhappy/lonely relationship, it’s still someone there for small talk. It takes time getting used to just being with (sometimes absent) kids.

You’ll get there, there’s no better company than yourself. You’re seeing someone so always someone to chat to, even just on WhatsApp.

Youve got an active social life & friends so I say you’re doing great & it will get easier.

Thanks all, I do think it’s a question of learning to enjoy my own company when in ‘Mum’ mode. I’m actually pretty good at being alone when I’m not in that mode — reading, cinema, even travel — but I think it’s taken me longer to get used to being a solo parent and enjoying that experience. It’s hard work and can feel pretty thankless with grumpy teens BUT after posting this I actually ended up having a lovely time with one of my DC who wanted to talk, and am now curled up in bed with a book (when I put my phone down!) so I can see how things could be better.

@isitsnowingyett I’m not ruling out living with someone in future but I’m not aiming for that, I’m not sure exactly why. Maybe I’m scared of being in another unhappy relationship…

I read this once,
Marriage is hard, Divorce is hard
Choose your hard

So i realised it is how it is, just need to accept it.

@routinelife very true!

I have to say I generally find the 'hard' of divorce easier/better for me than the 'hard' of a marriage that isn't working (or at least less emotionally gruelling).

It's mostly just this I find difficult - winter evenings alone (or not really alone)... staying in but not able to really relax because you're on call for the DC - who also don't want to hang out with you! I guess like all things it will pass...

I love it, I've got kids the same age (again divorced pretty much so only have them half the time) and when they're I do the whole not needed but needed in the background type thing. I love that they're being independent and less reliant on me for attention. They still come and chat to me etc but it's great they are growing up. That said ...I've still got an 8 year old so not quite the same!

@OhShitImNearly40 I need to get into this spirit! I've already started getting my book out, doing something nice like watching a film so I'm not just scrolling on my phone/waiting to be called by one of the DC.
It is great they are getting more independent - it's just coincided with the divorce (for the younger one anyway) so it feels like a lot of loss/change in one go - and yes no 8 year old to cuddle sadly!

I'm the same as you, so completely empathise. I try to get out after tea and do a yoga class at my gym so I get to see people and chat albeit briefly. Then I come home, have a lovely bath, read a book, watch a bit of tv.

No new partner yet but early days for me. Lots of friends and love my job as you do.

It was definitely lonelier being in an unhappy marriage with no chance of things changing ever.

I'm not sure if I would want to live with someone again but youngest is only 12 so don't need to make that decision yet. My aim is to find someone loving and caring to travel and have adventures with once youngest has got to 18. So I've got 6 years to find him 😄

Other people have given some good tips. I’m five years from separation and TBH I love it 😄. I found it was more lonely when the DC were there because they were busy with their phones/friends etc, as you say too. One thing I did with the two older ones (both now at university) was find some TV/film things that they liked and were happy to re-watch with me so we could share them. So I became an expert on Marvel and other superhero movies and a lovely animated TV series called Avatar. We could watch bits each evening. It wasn’t every day they were there that we did it, but was lovely.