How Do I Stop Being Mean to the Person I Love?

[imnina]

1/ Hey everyone, I need to be honest here because I really don’t like the person I am. Every time my partner does something wrong—big or small—I snap at him. I don’t just get annoyed, I’m mean. And afterward, I hate myself for it.

2/ I feel like I’ve become this manipulative, reactive person who lashes out to prove a point or make him feel bad, and that’s NOT who I want to be. He doesn’t deserve it, and I don’t want to keep hurting someone I love. It’s eating me up inside.

3/ I know this isn’t fair to him or to us, and I’m scared I’m damaging our relationship. He’s patient with me, but I can see it’s wearing on him. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to pause, breathe, and respond with love instead of anger.

4/ I also realize how much guilt I carry after these moments.

So I’m here asking for help. How do I break this cycle? How do I manage my emotions in the moment instead of letting them control me? How do I stop being this version of myself I don’t even like?

I want to be a kinder, more loving partner and friend. If anyone’s been here or has advice, I’d be so grateful.

Are you peri menopausal? I ask because I'm feeling the same way at age 47

I've been there.

For me it was my emotionally neglectful childhood, witnessing my DM temper tantrums and what I saw of my parents disastrous marriage.

Therapy if you can afford it but be careful of crooks out there. Online resources aplenty though.

What sort of things is he doing "wrong"? How come it's so frequent?

Perhaps try therapy to figure out why you're behaving like this - or to go to the doctor if it could be related to hormones?

Is there any resentment between you and him? Has he done something in the past that is not really resolved?

No not at all, i'm 18... but i've always been quite an angry person and i loathe it.

Some of the things are :

• being late
• lack of organisation (planing everything last minute
• using my brain and not his
• not doing things fast enough (washing up for example)
• not putting his shoes/coat away as soon as he comes home

I am making him sound lazy but he really isn't.

No, not really. I can't think of anything.

If anyone knows how to snap out of this I’m all ears.

I can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes it feels like my DH is useless.

I would gently recommend hiring a therapist to explore what is at the root of your anger. Lots of love ❤️

There are some people who would not let you get away with this and would pull you up first time; or simply leave you.

Do you do it because you know you can get away with it? Do you respect him? Are you compatible as a couple? If you genuinely don’t respect him, end the relationship, kindly.

Sometimes irritability is related to anxiety. The way to know if this is the case, ask yourself if you are generally easily irritated (i.e. by members of the public, friends, circumstances). Or is it just him?

Good for you reflecting on this and trying to sort it out.

Nobody likes a bully. Do this guy a favour and finish it.

Has this been a pattern over your life? I know you’re young so it may be hard to know, but do you tend to start seeing the “wrong” in people that you have relationships with (including friends)?
What was your home life like growing up?

You're not making him sound lazy, so much as making him sound like a child you're raising.

The speed he does the washing up is none of your business as long as he's doing his share of the chore.

He doesn't have to do things exactly the way you want him to, he's a grown man.

I think some of these things that annoy you you have to learn to let go.

Does it really matter if his coat and shoes are left out?

Yes, what was your home life like?. What did you learn from your parents about relationships when you were growing up?.

At least you are aware of it and are trying. Do you think this comes from anxiety?

Well the good news is that you're noticing this all now, and you can definitely get better at this. Some things to think about:

• Are these mistakes things you would have gotten grief for growing up?
• You might love him, but do you actually like your partner?
• Are you irritable with other people?
• Are there other factors in your life that might shorten your temper?

For the last one, I've found when I've drunk too much coffee, my patience dissolves, things that wouldn't bother me normally are much more irritating. As well as your feelings and habitual ways of dealing with things, there might be things making it worse in your environment.

You need to deal with the source of the anger. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you need to get this sorted out. Find yourself a therapist, the BACP website has a search facility for accredited therapists.

This is absolutely behaviour you can change.
Try Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

In the meantime, practice rehearsing scenarios in your head, and how you would like to behave.

However- I also wonder if you want the responsibility of living with a partner at your age?

You're young enough for this not to be fixed for life.

To change it though you will have put the work and effort in with the right help.

A therapist who understands anger issues would be a good start.

You need to examine why you are this way and start to build new habits and responses to replace these horrible ones you have now...

Like all new habits it takes time, so you will need to be determined.

Counselling. It will help you to get to the root of your problem. Even if your partner leaves, you will end up doing the same to future partners unless you get help.