Aftermath of abuse. Not an exciting title but I didn't know what else to call it!

[WhatWhoMe]

I'm a primary school teacher. I went into it in my very early 30s primarily because I wanted to be the adult I never had as a child and I've done that. My whole adult life has been devoted to working with, advocating for and supporting vulnerable people in professional and voluntary roles. And I know I've done it well.

I grew up in an abusive household. Emotional and physical mainly. The physical abuse stopped when I left home for university at 18 but the emotional abuse continued. I went nc with my abuser in my mid 30s for a few reasons. I'm now early 50s.

I've had therapy and I've done a lot of work on myself. I know (think) I'm valued and respected at work. But I still struggle. I have worked most of my career as a long term supply teacher/doing fixed term contracts but never felt able to take on a permanent job because I needed to know I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to (I never have - I'm not flakey!) and that I was only there because they wanted me not because they were stuck with me. I didn't know I would feel this way until I went into it and have felt fear every day of my working life since. For 20 years.

This year, I have taken on my first permanent role in a school I've previously done supply in. And I'm finding it so hard! Not the job. The job hasn't changed but in how I see myself. I'm scared. All the time. Scared of not being good enough basically.

I'm nervous around/intimidated by the Head in a way no one else is. I struggle with 'authority' and have a fear of being told off cconstantly and find it difficult to stand up for myself.

I feel off kilter in my life generally. People joke about adulting being hard and it is but I'm in my 50s now. I haven't had contact with my abusers for such a long time. On the outside I appear sorted (I think) but I also feel I'm deceiving people because inside I am just a frightened little girl.

I don't really have any friends. I have in the past and I try. People seem to like me but I find it hard to trust or feel worthy of other people and i have realised i keep people at arms length a lot of the time. I don't know how not to! I am wary of getting close to people in case they see the 'real me' - the one my parents saw. I have a partner but I struggle in my relationship too.

Life just feels very hard. I've worked so hard to escape my past but I'm actually still trapped in it. it's very frustrating and I feel I'm only living half a life.

I know there are people on here who have grown up with similar backgrounds, who escaped and have found professional and personal success and for whom the abuse is very much part of their past because I've read their stories on other threads. But I wondered if there is anyone who appears to have done that to a degree on the outside but only within very specific and controlled parameters but who still feel like they're drowning inside?

I think what I worry about the most is that I think sometimes people can 'see' the abuse in me.

I worry that sometimes it's visible. But that they wouldn't realise its 'trauma' because I'm a professional. I worry I feel 'off' to people. Or that sometimes it leaks out without me realising.

I think I worry about being viewed professionally the way I know I am viewed socially. Great from a distance but you wouldn't want me there all the time.

But I wondered if there is anyone who appears to have done that to a degree on the outside but only within very specific and controlled parameters but who still feel like they're drowning inside?

Yes.

The work never stops and it’s very much cyclical, but it has to be done to move forward.

I wonder if parts work or Internal Family Systems would be helpful for you. Finding that little girl and being the adult for her that she needed then.

I did some mother wound work, too, and could share the therapist’s details if you wanted. Again I found it very helpful.

Essentially I think childhood abuse can create the core belief that you are not good enough. Core beliefs are incredibly hard to change, so it’s no wonder that you still feel like this.

Yes - core beliefs and formative experiences. They really affect everyone going into their future lives. That is why childhood is so important. Your parents are the ones to blame here. Well done for setting yourself up so well and advocating for others across your working life. That is hugely important and will have been appreciated by those you have supported. Well done for taking on this permanent role. It is a natural next step and the school clearly value you or they wouldn't have offered you the job. I would look into paying for some therapy for yourself to work through the things you have mentioned. Be prepared to try some different sorts until you find a therapist or type of therapy that clicks with you. I also recommend leaning into things you enjoy for example countryside walks, art, crochet what every it is. Things you can enjoy can give you space to be having a nice time which is always good for mental health. 🍀🦋🌼🪻🪷🌸

I wanted to commend you OP. You've achieved a lot, you've helped so many other children and you've done it through extremely adverse psychological conditions.

I grew up in an abusive household, had lots of therapy, thought life was going ok and I'd reached the point I felt ready to dig in and make a career..and I married an abuser (obviously unbeknownst to me - for over a decade).

I had dreams of helping people like you have but I've not managed to do it. Instead I'm back in more therapy trying to counter the last round of BS.

This is not a pity party here got me, I'm merely trying to highlight to you that you made decisions in your life that enable/d you to help children. And for all the pain and mental torture that childhood abuse brings, you've found little cracks through which to climb. I know it doesn't remotely relieve what you're feeling inside now, but I'd really love for you to feel some pride not in what just you've done for others, but for getting yourself to a place where you could. I personally think that doing the long term supply contracts was very, very clever. Not any kind of failure at all.

Thank you for your replies! And yes you're right.

I don't feel strong enough to take on more therapy at the moment, if I'm honest. I haven't ruled it out and I know it's necessary. I've done work on changing core beliefs and it worked for a while. Sort of. But the new core beliefs aren't as strong as the old.ones and they are very pervasive! I haven't forgotten them and, as you say, it's a lot of constant ongoing work to counter them.

I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few weeks. I can see that I've really withdrawn into myself as a means of protection. I'm going out today to do something I love for the first time in months. But, if I'm honest, I'm also dreading it and would cancel in a heartbeat if I wouldn't be letting my partner down.

I spoke to my partner last night about making some changes because I feel I'm letting myself down at the moment in a lot of ways. He's one of the good ones and very supportive.

I dropped my longest standing hobby a few months ago because I lost all my confidence doing it (it's performance based so very public and visible rather than being private).

Instead, I've thrown myself into work so I don't let anyone down and cocoon myself at home the rest of the time.

It's the leaking trauma I worry about the most. The parts of it that are visible to others because maybe I don't respond in the same way to a situation as others do. Or I think I have a slightly off vibe.

I feel like EMDR therapy would help you. It's all about reprogramming how you see your past experiences, forgiving yourself and giving you the skills to move on past a traumatic experience. I had great success with it after suffering ptsd.

"Little cracks through which to climb"

Gosh, that sums it up really well!

Thank you. In the surface, I can see that and I hope others have benefitted but inside I feel scared all the time. Like I've bitten off more than I can chew.

That's how it feels.

I hope your therapy is helping.

I've seen that recommended before. I did look into it but could find anyone locally enough to me who offered it and my time is limited and work exhausts me (I'm definitely feeling it more as I'm getting older!). Maybe those are just excuses?

Maybe it's something to consider for the next summer holidays when I have more time and fewer responsibilities!

But that's also a long way off.

I did it online via video call it was still incredibly effective.

It is hard to go through more therapy especially if you feel you're all therapied out. I had a LOT of counseling and CBT before i had the EMDR but this was the only thing that resolved anything and the good thing was that i didn't need to go deep into every part of the trauma and relive it the way i did with the other types of therapy. I was so sceptical but it really worked for me and I'm a different person now than i was before not walking around as the ball of anxiety and trauma that i was before. I still have the memories but they don't hurt me anymore.

Compassionate inquiry might also be helpful. You don’t have to go into the history.

m But I get it if you’re therapied out right now. Being in this state and doing the work is so exhausting, you’re doing a brilliant job of being you. I hope you enjoy the activity you’ve planned.

Yeah, therapied out is definitely how I feel. I'm also wary of becoming really.wmotionally vulnerable at a time at work when I need to be emotionally strong but what you've said has been reassign in that respect. Thanks. I think about it and may look into it again!

I hear you @WhatWhoMe From what I’ve seen, read and experienced on this, not being properly “cared” for as a child significantly messes with people’s minds and nervous systems. In effect I coped with not being cared for as a child by self gaslighting that I was the problem to the point that I developed significant harmful coping mechanisms. Unpicking that gaslighting in adulthood is taking really positive and safe relationships and a lifetime of commitment to caring for myself and putting myself in caring environments. Personally I think it will take me a lifetime to unpick childhood abuse and neglect.

Agree it’s a game changer! No more sitting around for hours and hours going through past experiences.
Yes you have to give some background but then it is a much quicker process.

Hi OP, I totally get what you are going through, I've been there too. I think for now be kind to yourself, you are going through a very stressful time at work and need to look after yourself. How is your self care? Do you get any time to rest while you do nothing. Maybe take other stressful things off the table while you get used to your new permanent role, it's probably taking up a lot of your resources.

I don't think you necessarily need therapy right now but do you have a way of venting? Writing or something creative maybe. That said times when old feelings are triggered are the best time to have therapy because the deep stuff is easier to access but I understand if you're feeling all therapies out this might make you more stressed.

It might be a case of just doing nothing for now, be aware of the feelings the situation is bringing up and sit with them. Don't try and distract yourself from the feelings too much if that's something you do but if it's overwhelming by all means take a break from them. If you just let the feelings happen, a lot of adjusting and processing will happen without you consciously doing anything.

You write so well OP, it was amazing reading these things which are so hard to articulate. You are obviously highly intelligent and self aware. Not to mention incredibly resilient, to have endured such abuse and be where you are now.

I can relate to you and I can assure you that there are many, many people who survive abuse and become high functioning in order to cope, often achieving great success and looking very polished and together on the outside but still feeling broken within. The ‘wounded healer’ is a stereotype for a reason as it is so commonplace - we seek to cure our pain by helping others. If only that worked fully! I did the same (I’m a psychologist, the ultimate cliche). I used to have very similar worries to you. I was convinced there was something about the essence of me that seeped out, that made me invisibly different from others, I was observing life rather than participating, I felt like a glass wall separated myself and others. Vulnerability disgusted me, my own vulnerability. I do feel very differently now and it took work to get here, but I no longer feel I am secretly defective. We can all develop unconscious defences which protect ourselves from getting hurt, these can include behaviours that can unwittingly serve to be self defeating. Such as withdrawing in social situations, putting on a mask so no one knows how you really feel, rejecting before being rejected, not telling anyone personal things about yourself, not committing in friendships / relationships, etc. These self protection strategies can result in adverse consequences such as difficulties sustaining or maintaining relationships, which then serves as further evidence that something is wrong with you. But it’s not YOU; the strategies are what’s wrong.

Living through trauma and abuse has myriad consequences, including having an increased sense of threat and sometimes reliving traumatic memories; being unable to relax and switch off. But the more complex consequences are relational - how we relate to ourselves and others. How we feel safe with others. How we develop intimacy in relationships. This is all very hard if we have unmet needs from childhood, which is at the crux of secure attachment. Feeling safe, understood and loved. The inner child is still there and still hurting from the lack of protection and care from back then. I don’t want to join the therapy brigade on the thread but I’m going to because I really feel that depth focused therapies could be life changing for you. Therapies such as CBT and EMDR can be so helpful and transformative however this can only go so far, and tends to be for the active re-processing of trauma e.g flashbacks and nightmares. For the relational side of things, which is what I get from your post, I would recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy or schema therapy. Schema therapy combines CBT with attachment work, and focuses on re-parenting and inner child healing work. It might sound a bit bizarre but I speak from a lot of experience here - it can massively help. Short term CBT etc will not get to the core of the issue here, which is unmet needs from childhood.

I used to feel like such a fraud and I definitely had imposter syndrome too. I no longer feel this way. I could reassure you about some of your claims, you might believe it logically but you wouldn’t FEEL it. Therapies which are more emotions focused will be helpful here. I understand how exhausting the process can be but I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone with your experiences and also it is possible to change this.