Hi everyone,
Ive been browsing around for a while trying to get the courage to put a post in so here I go.Please be gentle with me – for me, this has taken a lot of courage to write. Im sorry it is so long.
Firstly, as a form of introduction - 46 year old male with two sons, one of whom is now 19, the other who is almost 16. Divorced 6 years ago - I filed for divorce after 15 years of marriage on grounds of unreasonable behaviour which was accepted by the ex wife and the courts without question (I cited examples of domestic abuse, controlling & narcissistic behaviour). I openly admit that I have diagnosed complex PTSD from work, and I have trauma from, not only my marriage, but also a very physically and sexually abusive childhood which has left me with abandonment issues. (not making any excuses, just fact)
Just over 5 years ago, I met someone new. As with everything new, things were great, she had a strength of character and knew her own mind which was incredibly attractive. I was tired of a fix me up partner and just wanted to not have to deal with that type of thing anymore. Finding someone who was able to manage themselves without needing to suck the life out of me was refreshing.
She was in a similar situation with her ex husband, and her child was pulled from pillar to post by him as well, influencing her with mind games. Eventually, it got to the point where she left her daughter go stay with him due to the impact that it was having on her. If I am honest, I never quite understood that, but I recognised that it was what she felt right and what she felt she had to do. The fact that I didn’t quite understand it wasn’t important to me as I felt that my role is not one of judgement, but of support. Everyone needs different types of support. To this day, I still continue to listen to her talk about her daughter, hold her if she is emotional and dont give any unsolicited advice as I know she just needs to be heard, not judged.
Things progressed nicely, neither of us were in a rush, we both had our own houses, and we spent over 4 years commuting an hour each way to one another on weekends. She has a lot of trauma from her past, as have I – lots of domestic violence history on both of our sides. We have always supported each other through this and we both managed it well, without leaning on each other too much.
As a bit more time moved on, she started to change and appeared to never fully seem to trust me.She admits being cautious after all this time but she herself said she doesn’t know why and recognises that I have never done anything for her to feel that way. I recognised that this was an insecurity and continued to stand by her, reassuring her as much as she needed it. This started to get more challenging, she would start to focus on a single word I said, misinterpret it, and just stonewall me and totally shut down.Again, perhaps stupidly on my side, I put this down again to her trauma, as well as my own fears of abandonment, and continue to reassure her.
However, I started to walk on eggshells and it was starting to remind me of my marriage.Her immediate reaction to any form of word that she perceived incorrectly would be to “push the eject button” as I called it – basically, she would just immediately respond saying that our relationship isn’t working out due to her getting upset over things such as a sentence said incorrectly or an incorrect word used. And none of them were dealbreaker words or during an argument, we could just be talking casually about a TV program or filling the car up with petrol or what to have for dinner.
As time progressed, my youngest started to struggle with the mindgames of his mother, resulting in him breaking down numerous times and myself having to threaten social services, taking her back to court, reporting her for neglect amongst many other things.My partner always found this really hard and I started to feel quite judged by her regarding how I was parenting as she felt that I should effectively do the same thing that she did with her daughter. I was not ready, and never will be ready, to ever give up on my children.
Things calmed down for quite some time, and I thought everything was in the past and eventually, only a few months ago, we agreed to move in together, so she came to mine as I have a bigger house. Actually, she is still in the process of moving in atm.
My partner has always struggled with my youngest, constantly speaking negatively about him, and to this day, I cannot remember the last time she ever said anything nice about him. He started developing poor mental health, started self harming and acting out and eventually it got bad enough where, one day, he physically went to attack me and I had to restrain him resulting in the need for him to stay at his mums for a short time until things were better sorted out.
My partner was happy when this happened as she no longer needed to deal with him being in the house with me in case anything further happened. She also just seemed happier that she didn’t have to see or deal with him.The stress of trying to deal with her and my son is so completely exhausting for me.
Recently, he has started to get better, his mum and I are trying to work together for his interests, he has stopped self harming and I genuily believe that he is trying to sort himself out. We have been working on our relationship and at the moment, he is at my house due to the improvements in his behaviour as his mum is overseas. Tonight – I heard him singing to himself in his room – this is the first time in a very long time he has done this and it made me emotional.I mentioned this to my partner at the time, that he is singing, and I got absolutely no response. This made me really sad – I so wanted to be able to celebrate this change in a positive direction for him – but all I felt was alone with my partner next to me who was on their phone browsing.
Most of our disagreements come as a result of my children, especially my youngest. She likes questioning my parenting, which in turn makes me doubt myself. A few days ago, before he came back to mine, I told her that he is trying and I need her to just be nice to him basically. I told her that sometimes I need her support with him in terms of my emotions and doubting myself due to his challenges. She responded stating that she cannot give me support as she doesn’t like him, but she will listen if I like. She will actively remove herself from the room if he is around, hide away upstairs and refuse to be with me when he is around.
My partner has a high pressure job, she often comes home emotionally and physically exhausted from work.If I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, she will just explode verbally. She launches into what I can only ever describe as an attack.Initially, I felt, it’s a one off, not a problem, everyone is allowed to have bad days, but its now almost daily.Due to my own history of abuse as a child and within my marriage, this triggers a trauma response and I just shut down and completely hide away as it’s the only way I can ever feel safe.
I then lose my voice, my mind goes blank and I simply do not know how to phrase the words or how to say them, and then fear that by doing so, I will just invite another verbal attack on me.She has also previously come home from work, I have gone to give her a hug hello, to get told not to touch her as she has had a bad day.
I feel like a punching bag.And I certainly do not feel like a “man” as I feel weak as why the h*ll have I not just kicked her out the door.I think its because there is a large part of me which falls back onto our good times and that gives me hope. I have had an interesting life in terms of jobs where violence was a large part of my role. If someone approached me with a gun or a knife, I would feel comfortable dealing with that (not some macho comment, just the truth – its what I have been trained to do for decades now). But this is a type of warfare that I do not know how to deal with. I know she is struggling with really bad menopause at the moment on top of her stressful job, but I do not know at which point that becomes me making excuses for her behaviour.
I am worried that I am back in an abusive relationship again. I feel scared that if I do not say something phrased perfectly, the response will be one of an attack. I have said to her that I cannot beat her defences, that they are too strong however I am also not responsible for her abusive past. It doesn’t seem to make any difference, if I do anything wrong, she will hold me at bay, turn things back around on me so its my fault, I start to doubt my own recollection of things so now I start to write them down. If I could summarise it, my biggest challenge with her is her emotional instability. Never knowing one moment to the next when the next explosion will be and over what minor thing will be its trigger.
She has not yet fully moved in – I was/am helping fix her house up so it could be rented, but I am so freaked out now, there is a part of me where I do not want to finish her house because then, if she carries on, where will she go? So do I call it now?
When things are good, they are good. But when she gets like this – I honestly feel scared of her responses because her words and actions can be so incredibly cutting and hurtful. As an example, it is 1am as I write this, and I don’t want to be upstairs in bed with her as I just don’t feel relaxed enough to sleep. To me, my son is part of me – he is part of the package that is who I am. At the same time, I also recognise that in a few years time, he will be an adult and I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold for that. However, for me, it is also about the principle that he is important to me.It is about my need to feel safe, to feel loved, and to not be worrying that unless I am perfect, there are consequences to my actions.
I struggle never knowing what emotional reaction I am going to see next, or when it is safe to bring a particular topic up. Sometimes, just asking what her plans are for the day is enough to set her off saying she is too stressed to deal with it, doesn’t want to talk about it and she will just hide away looking at her phone. I play a game on my phone as it helps me relax, but I have stopped playing it quite a bit recently because there is often a sly comment about me always being on my phone – I might spend 10 minutes on it, she will spend hours on hers watching videos and researching hobbies. I hear her coming into the room now, and I will turn my phone off to avoid comments etc.
Am I perfect? Of course not, but I have always treated her with respect, I have always supported her, I have always been faithful, I don’t raise my voice (as a kid, raising my voice resulted in further beatings and hospital visits so I learnt to control it.Also my job demands an ability to maintain control of my emotions too). I have always been there for her, no matter what difficulties she is going through, she often tells me that I am her rock and she isn’t going anywhere as she loves me, but then I feel confused because the words and actions aren’t aligning.
How bad is this? Is this thing dead? Any suggestions? I even feel worried about posting this because what happens if she reads it? My logical brain tells me to kick her out of my house and run away as fast as humanly possible….