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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Co parenting dad not supportive

5 replies

Pinksky14 · 23/11/2024 21:30

for four years child’s dad has picked and choose when he has child. Due to his shift pattern it’s never consistent and feel I have to agree as and when for child’s sake. Believe me I’ve tried everything to get some sort of consistency. I’m use to it now and try to just get on He now has no where for child to stay so he never does overnights. I work full time and don’t really have any other childcare support. Not that I’m complaining. But when he does have child it is a bit of me time and can sort bits out. Anyway argument pursued today as he was 2hrs late picking her up which impacted my plans for the day. It’s not the first time he has done this. And I was just so frustrated I kinda told him what I thought. That he barely sees child and when he does it’s for a few hours here and there . He doesn’t do any of the hard bits of parenting. He told me that parenting is the mums job and every mum out there does it so why am I complaining. I literally do everything for our child and pay for everything. I don’t know just hit a nerve and upset me that in this day and age someone can have that mentality. Should I just accept this is how it will be. I get upset as child loves dad and is always asking when they will see him next etc so I guess I do push him to see child. Maybe I shouldn’t though I just feel bad for child as some times goes weeks without seeing him. If I don’t sort when he will have child in advance he often will message night before. And then I feel obliged to agree. I don’t know. Maybe I should be thankful he does see child as know things could be worse. It’s just his comment today made me feel like he is obvs quite happy to carry on as is as it suits him and fits into his plans.

OP posts:
ClementineChurchill · 23/11/2024 21:33

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but that’s not co-parenting.
He isn’t pulling his weight. I think you need to establish firmer boundaries.

Pinksky14 · 23/11/2024 21:40

@ClementineChurchill no it’s not co parenting your right. I just don’t know how I can make it better. If there is even a point anymore as he’s not interested in what I say

OP posts:
ClementineChurchill · 23/11/2024 21:46

There isn’t a point anymore. Stop facilitating him! Sorry, this again sounds harsh. It’s tough but you’re a single parent. Not coparenting. Start thinking along those lines and either he will step up or he won’t. (He probably won’t).

Duck12 · 23/11/2024 21:46

It’s very, very difficult and I empathise. My own daughter has similar issues with her ex and our gorgeous granddaughter. He works away and does shifts but barely makes the effort. It’s impossible to force men like this into anything. I think all you can do is have a word and ask if he can at least be on time when he pick ls up. It just isn’t fair on the child when she’s eager to see him. I totally understand where you’re at with it all. You sound a terrific mum who’s doing her best.

PullTheBricksDown · 23/11/2024 21:46

Put a child maintenance claim in. Why isn't he paying towards his child? He works!

As for
He told me that parenting is the mums job and every mum out there does it so why am I complaining
This isn't true anymore, and back when it was, men didn't do the childcare but they did pay to support their kids. He can't expect to have it both ways, where he does none of either.

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