Feeling sad about reason for low contact

[Magpiemayhem]

Really good friend, been friends for years and supported each other through many ups and downs. Seen each other at our best and our worst.

She ended her engagement a few years ago and has since found a new partner she lives with. They have discussed marriage and want to start trying for a baby next year. She is doing really well in her career and was recently promoted.

I'm married and have a baby. Also doing reasonably well in my career.

I noticed that my friend had been a bit quiet for a few months, not really responding to messages and flaking on lots of meets up. She was often telling me how busy she was with plans with other friends. Times I did see her we always had a lovely time and I felt nothing was wrong, then it would go back to weeks of low contact.

I recently bit the bullet and asked her if we were okay, that I felt like maybe I'd done something wrong or had anything happened in her personal life. She replied, very honestly, that I was a really good friend to her and had done absolutely nothing wrong, but she felt she was behind where she wanted to be in her life and found it easier to distance herself. I was glad she had been honest with me and accepted her explanation (I didn't agree with her that she was 'behind' in life, but accept that this is how she feels) but I'm now just feeling quite sad that after all we've been through, she can't be around me because she feels she is behind me in some sort of life race? But she still sees other friends who are in various different places with relationships/careers/children etc.

Would you be upset by this, or is this a valid reason to step away from a long friendship? Or do you think maybe she isn't giving me the real reason?

It's a shit reason and she's not really that good a friend. Sorry OP. Focus your time on meeting new people.

That’s not a reason, it’s not even an excuse.
I am so sorry OP you are clearly a lovely person.
She sounds like she’s doing very well maybe in this career with this new partner she’s made new friends who she feels fit her lifestyle more.
In which case, she’s not much of a friend at all.
I found with one very close friend, after being by her side through a really terrible divorce, when she got on her feet she actually wanted to be around friends who hadn’t been there for her.
I got dumped.
I sometimes wonder if it was because I reminded her of her former life and knew of her struggles. She wanted to present herself in a new way.
None of the above may fit your story at all,
Spend time with people you love and maybe try a new hobby or do something you enjoy - meet some like minded people.

Yes, I'd be upset but maybe there's something going on for her, like worries over fertility or her partner being difficult somehow?

Personally I'd give her space and stay loosely in touch. Maybe she'll want to reconnect more again in time.

She sounds like a shit friend

So her life goals catch up with yours for a while then it will be something else she arbitrarily decides she isn't on a par with you with and off she'll go again

She sounds shallow and eaten up with bitterness and jealousy and the sort of person who only wants friends around who she considers she is better than (ahead of)

Friendships end for all sorts of reasons, there could be an element of jealousy on her part which probably would start emerging if the friendship continued
It's a case of 'it's her not you'
She's been truthful so if I were you I'd move on
Yes it's sad and you'll grieve for a while for the friendship and all of the memories and experiences that you shared but there's lots of lovely people out there that will want you as a mate
Leave her be, don't contact her, if she contacts you then meet up if you feel like it, if not then don't
Stay civil and polite and carry on with your life

You may have misunderstood. You said she thought "she is behind me in some sort of life race", but that isn't necessarily what she said. It might not be about you at all. She said she feels behind...not necessarily behind you, but behind where she wants to be. If you have ever felt like that you might relate; she's got other priorities to get herself to where she needs to be and that is never an easy place to be. Sounds like she wasn't mean or unfriendly about it, she's just on a different path to you right now. Honestly I wouldn't take it personally.

She makes time for other people so focus on who makes time for you.
I imagine contact will stay the same or dwindle. I find those conversations never make any difference so I would step back and make low effort.

It sucks. I had a friend who admitted she was insanely jealous of my life - dh and dc. She had an awful first marriage and then was single for a long time. She’s remarried but too old for the dc she desperately wanted. I wish we could have stayed friends. What hurts more is that she’s still friends with other friends from school who have dc and dhs, so I can only assume she thought she was superior in our friendship and just cannot be happy for me. I’ve had to move on but it’s really disappointing.

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the perspective. @TeenLifeMum I think that's what I find confusing, she still has other friends who are engaged/married or have kids so it seems to just be me. I agree I should take a step back and leave her be. I guess she will either get in touch to rekindle things or she won't!

Hi op yes could be jealousy. I stepped back with around 3 friends just zero efforts in the friendships. Yes we all busy but still.. I focus on just few friends now. People got really flaky

That is very hurtful but you cannot change her.

Time for your self respect to step in and protect you.
I wouldn't dream of contacting her again.
If she contacts you, think carefully do YOU actually want to expend energy on such a person.

Time for you to focus on new people.
It really is her loss.

This very thing happened to a good friend of mine and she was very hurt but accepted it.
She was told that her friend didn't think they had much in common any more and she simply didn't have time for her!

About 5 years on, this ex friend moved nearby to her village and bumped into her at something whilst she was having lunch with friends.

Her exfriend gushed how great it was to see her and it was great to find a dear old friend in their new forever home.
My friend was pleasant but very non commital.

The following day she arrived clearly univited at her door, to catch up etc.

My friend remained very pleasant at the door, but told her that 5 years on she no longer considered her a friend and had zero interest in reconnecting, and didn't invite her in.
She was genuinely surprised and seemed to have forgotten how brutal she had been years earlier.

My friend said she was over it now, but certainly was not some toy that could be picked up 5 years later because she might be of use again.

They had children in the same local school, and while my friend always saluted her and remained very polite, she avoided her.