Suffocating ILs

[Erling]

To start my PIL are genuinely lovely, caring people and I feel like I have a reasonably good relationship with them.

DH is an only child and he's been their centre of attention all of his life. While we have been married his parents have made themselves available to anything we need help with - at first I didn't object to this as his parents are a big part of his life and this is normal for him.

However, DH has had in the past week a very minor procedure done. They have visited everyday, I was off work to be at home with him and to make sure he didn't over do things. I appreciate they were concerned but I feel completely suffocated by them. For instance I will get a text asking if I want anything doing or help with anything. I will say no we're all good, then because this isn't the response they want they'll then text DH and ask him the same question so they get the answer they want and an excuse to come round.

I have voiced my thoughts to DH and said they need to back off a little and give us some space, to which he agreed. Its beginning to really grate on me though that they seem to want to be here all the time, making themselves indispensable and finding any reason to come over. I'll come home from work and they will have come over to 'drop something' off or 'pick something' up. I'll get a message telling me we need XX from the shop. I'm beginning to feel like they think I'm incapable.
I'm a short fuse away from losing my patience and I really do not want to offend them or put my DH in the centre of a problem.

How can I be firm without offending them.

Firstly it is good that your DH agrees.
Secondly, it’s probably better if any communication around this comes from him.
If it comes from you, they will probably ignore it just like they are with you now.
It sounds like not only do they love their son but they have empty nest syndrome and don’t really know what to do with their time. Hence the constant visits.
I think it’s time for your DH to have a gentle word. That he appreciates their support, as you both do, but you need a bit of space as a married couple.
And maybe suggest instead of coming to you all the time as they do now that you do something lovely like go for a meal.
In all honesty, in some marriages a child can be the glue holding a couple together. It is time for your PIL to give their son a bit of freedom and space, and to find a way of enriching their own lives.

This sounds like my pil, or more mil and fil going along with it.
Sadly there was no easy fix and after many failed attempts at tactfully asking them to give us space and privacy going no contact was the only option, of course they didn't take this seriously so moving house and changing phone numbers was the only remaining option.

I think you have hit the nail on the head- it is empty nest syndrome. I have said to him they need to find something else in their lives.

I feel awful feeling like I do about them because they are lovely people who would do anything for you. They're just becoming so overbearing and I'm tired of them finding any silly reason to pop by. If they don't get to pop by its endless phone calls or texts.

I don't think going NC is an option and I wouldn't want that to happen. I'd just like them to back off and leave us alone a little more. MiL will remind DH his car insurance is due or he has a letter to post. I don't know how I've kept my cool at times.

I hear you. My inlaws are lovely but the same, right down to the car insurance! It feels infantilising and it’s very difficult to withdraw from it when it all comes from a good place. I do sometimes look at the relationship my MIL has with her own mother though and think why can’t I have the autonomy you have?!?