Midlife crisis and separation.

[Msw1981]

How do I know if my husband is having a midlife crisis?
Me and my husband have been together for 21 years, married for 14 years.
It all started 14 months ago when he got close to my best friend, they fell out after I thought they might be something more than just friends.
He couldn’t get over the loss of their friendship.
He has recently changed his carer, purchased random expensive (work related) things.
Fast forward to a month ago when his dad died (only age 66)
On Tuesday he woke up and said “he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, he wants someone more bubbly, adventurous and a brunette!!”
We have 2 amazing boys together.
he has said some horrible things to me in the past 14 months but I don’t know if it ‘him’ talking or it’s his ‘mental health’ I don’t know if or how to help him.

Christ, poor you. You're being very good wanting to help him rather than telling him that you don't want this rude selfish arsehole and would rather have a kind attractive husband who you could trust.

That's not constructive I know, but it does sound like it's all about him when you're getting hurt and trampled down here, so I can't help responding to that. You can't fix his midlife crisis, but you have to value yourself even if he's lost sight of your value.

I wish I had something more comforting to say but I understand how you’re feeling. My husband said something similar to me this summer and looking around this board, it seems to be a common thing. Perhaps the prospect of a new year inspires them to throw everything away? Mine is still here but has been nasty and critical since. I’ve changed myself so much in trying not to upset things and in doing so I’ve lost who I am. I recommend not doing this, it’s destroyed my self esteem. I’m slowly, with the support of friends, realising that I shouldn’t be treated this way and making steps to get my confidence back. I’ve found the more I cry, the more sad I am, the more he pulls away and the worse things get. I advise seeking therapy for yourself if you can and telling friends and family. Don’t beg, I’m ashamed to say I have almost done this. It seemed to repulse him. I recommend that you don’t make the decision before him but don’t engage in any further talk about it. Detach emotionally, don’t beg or ask him to stay. Make him tell you how this will work practically. Then work on yourself, what have you stopped doing for you over the past years? I imagine it’s a lot. Reinvest in yourself. Lean on friends. I don’t have many but the ones I have have been so supportive. Therapy has also been helpful. I’m hoping to get to a place where if he does leave again, I am strong enough to know I’ll be okay. It’s a horrible feeling, I feel for you. I lost weight during this process, so much so that acquaints noted it. My husband doesn’t seem to understand the impact his words and actions have had. I still love him but I am deeply hurt by how he’s behaved and I don’t know what the next year will hold.

Soo many threads like this on this forum. So many women who've been in the exact same position as you come here looking for advice on how to save their relationship. They all end the same... which is usually their husband has another woman on the go and has started the script with their partner.

Hes told you he doesn't want you, infact he's been very specific on what he does want. Bubbly, adventurous, brunette..... he probably all ready has her, though he'll never admit it.

Not his mental health
Not a midlife crisis
Just an arsehole.

Thank you all, I think I know what I need to do, not just for the sake of me but also for the sake of my boys.
I need to be strong and let him go.

It’s him.
It doesn’t matter if he is having a mid life crisis or has mental health issues too. It’s still him.

'Bubbly, adventurous brunette' does have a ring of the dating pages you used to get in newspapers. It sounds like such a weird thing to say. Nevertheless, if that's what he wants let him get on with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. Good luck.

I’m sorry OP.

Absolutely let him go. He’s not your friend from this point onwards. He has a head start and you’re playing catch up. Maybe he’s been saying horrible things to get you to call time and it didn’t work. Or he’s starting the script, finding fault, rewriting history, to assuage his guilt.

Get all financials together and go and see a solicitor. Be proactive and prioritise getting the maximum settlement you can for you and your children.

You are vague about his relationship with your friend. Are you still friends with her? Is she the bubbly brunette he’s describing? Be prepared for them to stab you in the back.

Don’t do the pick me dance. Let him go. If he’s ever going to realise he’s made a mistake, he needs to miss you. And panic that he’s lost you. That can only happen if you go as grey rock and indifferent as possible.

You’ll be ok OP. Be kind to yourself, plenty of treats to make you feel better.

You deserve better.
💐

@Catoo Thank you, I know what I need to do but it is scary, but looking at all the advice really helps. I am kind of friends with her but not like it was, just if I see her I say hi etc. she certainly is an adventurous, bubbly brunette!! 😳
I would like to think they wouldn’t stab me but n the back but hey what do I know….it appears not a lot at the moment.
I’m trying so hard to not ‘beg’ for him back.
Thank you again.

Unfortunately I do recognise the pattern.

It is not a midlife crisis, it is 'The Script'

The bubbly brunette is already in his life, being vile to their wife comes at the point of wanting out of the relationship without doing the hard work of transparently and filing for divorce.

I agree he is acting like an arsehole but men go through very real hormonal changes in middle age. Just look at the suicide rates amongst this group of men.. many of them suffer and have no idea what's going on.

I know it's hard but as pp have said the more you react the worse it gets. Your best bet is to stay detached. Cry and scream when he isnt around. Tell him to initiate the divorce and ask what his plans are for 50/50 childcare and his living situation until it's all sorted out. Detach yourself from him, don't engage and don't do anything for him. Men do go through massive hormonal changes around 45-50 and just like women -some handle it better than others. Research male midlife crisis. It could take 5 years to level out and by then you most likely wont want him back but until them protect yourself financially and emotionally because it will most likely get worse before it gets better.

Sure, but it’s not the responsibility of their jilted wives / new girlfriends to sort this out for them. Plenty of women manage to work out what’s going on when they feel different around midlife, and find appropriate medical & mental health support during menopause without exploding their families and expecting men to accommodate and mop up after them.

@Bunnyhair I'm just pointing out that MMC is real and the OP might understand what's going on better by researching how this is likely to play out for him as opposed to just labelling him an arsehole. But I agree it's not her job to fix him at all, unfortunately, I don't think there is anything she can do other than protect herself.

I agree that there’s nothing she can do but protect herself. I suppose I see so many women on here not protecting themselves in these situations because they feel their job as a good wife is to put endless effort into understanding why their DH is struggling and support him through his mental-health-crisis-related infidelity and other terrible behaviour. And he either fucks off anyway or continues having various affairs he through which he expects her unswerving support.

He’s said he wants to end the marriage and find someone more bubbly and adventurous - that ends OP’s responsibility to empathise and understand and support.