Told him I want out, what do I do now?

[IamFree1]

I'm a long time lurker member and name changed to post as I could do with some support please.

For context, we have been together for fifteen years. I've realised over the past year despite my giving up a lot to try and make him happy DH remains unhappy, grumpy, emotionally cold and distant from me. I have felt alone in the marriage for some time and it is a horrible feeling when you love the person and they don't seem to see it or appreciate you.

I've had some counselling through work recently and realised in the process of making him happy, I have forgotten to take care of me and what makes me happy. I don't want to grow old with someone in a loveless marriage. I'm mid 50's and he is early 60's.

I finally worked the courage to tell him that I wanted out of our marriage yesterday. We have agreed to sell the house in spring as it will be easier. In the meantime I'll continue sleeping in the spare room. I would like us to be amicable about the separation as it's not as if we hate each other. It's just so very sad that we've come to the end of the road. We could be friends as we enjoy getting outdoors together but it's too early to tell if he will hold a grudge and just walk away.

We jointly own the house and he has been retired for the last 10 years. I work part time, three days a week and daughter isn't living at home more. So what can I do now whilst waiting and worrying to get my affairs in order ?

I'm sorry for the long post but I wanted to give you enough info to better advise me. Thank you

Well done for taking the first step, must have been a difficult conversation to start.

Do you think that marriage counselling could actually fix this? Would he be agreeable to going and trying? If there’s no abuse, it might be worth trying.

How did he react? Was he surprised, angry, relieved? If you are going to co-habit, you need to discuss how that will work both practically and financially.

To start with, gather together your financial and personal documents and keep them somewhere safe. The same for anything that's precious to you. Change any passwords / PINs that he knows too. Whilst you may think he will be reasonable, when he starts to think about what is at stake, he may become angry and unpredictable, so better to err on the side of caution.

Once you have done that, find a good family solicitor and have a consultation with them to get a full picture of what divorce will mean for your finances, especially as he is retired. You might like to consider going back to work full time to maximise your pension etc, but I would probably not do that until you have a financial settlement in place.

If you have joint savings, you are entitled to 50%, it might be wise to secure that as its quite common for them to also run through the money out of spite.

It will probably get a bit bumpy, so be prepared for that, but once you are out the other end, you will have a more enjoyable life.

Thank you. I've been mulling it over for days and in the end I decided there wasn't going to be a good time so I told him while we were out walking.

Being there suggested it last year but he point blank refused to discuss anything with anyone. He barely discusses anything with me let alone a third party.

Unfortunately he is a product of his childhood and never learnt to trust anyone else emotionally. I was stupid enough to think he would let me in over time.

The main reason I've struggled to leave before is that he is not abusive in any way. But I now know that withholding emotional distance is a form of abuse.

@unsync thank you for the advice and support. I hadn't thought of that. He was very calm and quiet, I think may be he was expecting it. Hard to say though as he is very Spock like.

@IamFree1 My ex was abusive. For me, I found that moving forward helped. There's no point in looking backwards and thinking 'what if?' or 'if only' or any of the other myriad things that crop up. You can't change any of it.

You may feel grief though as you are letting go of the hopes and dreams that you cling to when you are in a sub-par relationship. Acknowledge it and make new dreams. A better future lies ahead, make it you shaped.

Yes, I would be prepared for things to get a bit heated when the realisation of what this will mean in purely practical and financial terms hits home He's been miserable for years and possibly blaming you in some way but you have taken steps to move on so his feelings may evolve. Good advice already given, but remember there's nothing like money to stir people up. You probably need to declutter in the forthcoming months and work out a plan. Would be good to do this over the winter so that the house is looking good in the spring. Perhaps you could both focus on that project? You say you could be friends in the future so it could provide a stage for your new relationship?

Thank you @unsync and_@Tel12 for your responses. It feels really weird to be together and every now and then I remember we are going to be divorcing and going our separate ways. its really a weird feeling. Although he hasn't said anything directly he has been curt in his responses at times and no doubt he is also processing the separation. Strange times indeed.

So yesterday he was trying to be close to me, I politely declined and this morning I've greeted with a curt comment and a growl instead of civil morning greeting. It's so painful to witness.

I am not sure how to go on about setting boundaries while we have to live together until the house is sold. Has anyone else been through something similar and can advise me please ? Many thanks.

It sounds like he's processing the implications of separation and trying to re establish something of your relationship. If you are divorcing it's best if you at least sleep separately. It's quite possible he thinks you're not serious about divorce. You need to sit down together and work out finances and the next steps for both of you. Calculate equity, how you are going to divide your possessions. You should probably get some legal advice first. Talking about it will make it more real.

Thank you @Tel12 it does feel as though he isn't taking my decision seriously as he seems to be behaving like normal towards me. We are still sleeping in separate bedrooms. I'll try and broach the possessions split over the weekend.

I can't help wondering if it's possible to stay married without the emotional connection as we get on quiet well otherwise 🤔

I would really appreciate some advice on setting boundaries and getting through the next couple of months until we put the house on the market please? Thanks

Here’s some links for you to look at and work through.

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Assertiveness.pdf

https://emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

there’s also this book which I couldn’t find a free version of but this is a cheap copy and well worth a read

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/be-more-assertive-book-suzie-hayman-9781444102208?price=3.50

I would also speak to a lawyer if I were you and get legal advice about selling the house. Don’t agree to anything without getting it checked out first to make sure it’s not a bad deal for you.

Thank you very much @TipsyJoker for the links and your message. I've been looking at local solicitors who offer a free half hour consultation but no luck so far.

OH is behaving erratically and his mood swings are making me feel uncomfortable. I am not sure that he can remain amicable until the house is sold. I've sorted some counselling through work and I'm hoping it will help me make sense of what he is doing.

He probably didn’t think you would pull the plug so he is now in panic mode. Possibly trying to be nice so you will change your mind. Then when you reject he is curt because it didn’t work.
I think a frank conversation telling him you
really enjoy his friendship but neither are romantically happy might help him understand your thoughts. Let him know you would like to remain friends if he could accept a friendship.
the. You have been honest and done your best to keep things on good terms. Hopefully that will then help you set the boundaries.

Thank you @Gonk123 I'm sorry I thought I'd replied to your message already 🙂 Every day is different but I think he is beginning to realise I am serious. I've told couple of friends so it's helping me stay focused, clear the head muddle and keep self doubts at bay. Thanks again.

Aww no worries, how have things been the last few days?
have you managed to get some legal advice arranged? I think pushing forward with your own position discreetly for now is a good thing. Best to get Christmas out of the way maybe and then push on in the new year with formally separating etc.

Thank you @Gonk123 it's been a roller coaster ride so far as he's been moody and made nasty comments at times. I'm learning not to take it too personally and if anything it's reinforced my decision to divorce. He hasn't made any attempts to talk or explain and I'm beginning to think my friend was right that he has been waiting for me to end it instead of him doing anything about it.

I've managed to get some counselling through work that is going to help me keep sane and work on changing my behaviour so that I can start putting myself first. So the biggest change now is navigating living under the same roof for few months (ignore the moody human) until the house is put on the market in couple of months (his request so he can sort out move to another part of the country). Keeping a journal is helping 😬

That sounds really positive even if it doesn’t feel like it. He may have been waiting for you to pull the plug but it doesn’t mean his ego can handle it hence the bitchy comments from him. I think you’re doing great, keep it up x

U would just stick the house on the market straight after Xmas.

Start going through stuff and clearing it out

Thank you both, I realise I need to stay focused instead of wallowing in self pity. I have made a list of things I need to do so have an idea to declutter and move forward with the divorce. Roll on new year.

Any updates on. Read the thread and hope everything went well in terms of selling, finding a new place whilst still living together before that.