Husband has lied and I feel hurt

[Gettingoverits]

When I met my husband sex and affection was amazing but then his libido dwindled. He has pretty much always had low libido compared to me it’s a side effect of medication he takes. I’ve always wanted more sex and affection he always says he will try and nothing ever happens. When asked he never wants to talk about things he enjoys sexually and says he dosnt watch porn often. He knows I watch porn and orgasm almost every other day. I tell him he should do it more often I also offer blow jobs and expect nothing in return I’m still rejected. Recently after a really tough year we had a long chat I said about the lack of sex and affection that I couldn’t take it anymore. He promised to change etc. he did start to make more of an effort. I was slowly starting to feel more confident in myself and not as rejected. I really did assume he had a low libido and he said I wasn’t the issue etc. well last night his phone was on the bed open and I couldn’t help myself I had a look and saw his history he’s been watching porn almost every day he clearly had just had a wank in the bath. Judging by his history he got similar sexual taste to me. I feel more
hurt now knowing he didn’t want sex or wasn’t turned on by anything really sucks but I had come to terms with that I wasn’t the issue. Why if he’s feeling horny is he not choosing me to help. Why is he lying about watching porn and low libido when I’m very open with it ? Why also clearly have things you like sexually that I like and speak about but you dont want to try when it’s what you enjoy watching. I feel hurt and want to speak to him but I don’t know how should I come clean about looking at his phone. I have just had a baby so body confidence is at an all time low and this is just the icing on the cake.

It’s not you. It’s him. He’s addicted to porn. Go to loveafterporn on Reddit and you’ll see how common it is. Men who become addicted to porn struggle with real sex. They often can only get off to porn and it becomes a closed activity. Again, it’s not you. He’s an addict and a liar. You need to get informed about porn addiction and then decide if you want to continue the relationship because there is a good chance, that unless he does the required work, you will always come secobd to porn. Your sex life might continue to be unsatisfactory and he might continue to lie to you. Get informed and think about the kind of relationship YOU want going forward.

Yep, he is a porn addict

If you are vocal about the porn you watch and like, do you think it's possible he looked up similar things to see it would also spark something in him too?

Or has he been watching if for ages? I know you say you saw his history but how far back did it go?

I saw similar porn on there over a year ago but it was a quick peek and I thought it was a one off. Does that mean I have a porn addiction as I watch porn more than he does ?

Hmm. Well I absolutely hate porn so that’s a whole different ball game but I do think that masturbating requires a completely different level of physical and mental effort so I can see (as someone with disabilities and medication issues myself) why someone would choose that over actual sex with someone else. It’s completely different. I can understand you feeling hurt as I’ve been on both sides of this but I think you’re wrong to take it as a personal rejection.

Yes I’m bemused by the answers too. Apparently he’s a porn addict but it’s ok for a woman, that’s more needs must. Very odd.

op I think porn addict is just the lazy answer.

you need to talk to him, why doesn’t he want to have sex with you. The truth is you might not like the answer so think on that before you ask.

I agree with the pp that masturbating and sex are not the same thing.
I think there is a whole lot of "stuff" to unravel here around how he feels about himself, his ability to "perform" etc.

If you still love each other outside of this issue, I wonder if some marriage counselling might be worth trying to find out what's going on, why he lied etc etc

Be honest with yourself OP, he has said he will make more of an effort several times and nothing really changes.

Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, the difference between a friendship and partners.

When you are ready, tell him that you looked at his history. Then ask him to be honest with you, ask him if he is attracted to you. Don’t let him make the conversation about your looking at his phone, keep it focused on the issue.

If you choose to stay this situation, it will erode your self esteem. You deserve to be loved by someone who can give you everything that makes a relationship.

No because it doesn’t affect you relastionship and want for intimacy with your husband. The problem is he is choosing porn over intimacy with you. This is because he is an addict and doesn’t want to have normal sex with a real woman. He wants to just whack off to porn. If your husband had more sex with you, You might end up watching less porn and I’m sure that given the choice, you would choose to have sex with your husband if you could over watching porn. That’s the difference. And again, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s about what porn addiction does to the brain. Go check it out on loveafterporn.

Without the sex and intimacy it's basically house mates. I understand your frustrations as I've been with a man who loved sex then went off it. It was his mental health i guess. But yeah frustrating. I craved to be held. Kissed. Even just my neck stroked. Anything. It's so depressing. You won't be happy when you don't have the connection that makes people a couple

Do I tell him I’ve seen his porn history or not how do I adress it

Do you 'love' porn or are you watching it regularly to make up for the lack of sex in the relationship?

Does your husband have low libido or has he just become desensitised to real sex, due to his porn habit?

Either way, it can't be easy craving sex and attention from your partner when he's too busy wanking to a screen, instead of trying to meet your very basic need. What a waste ☹️.

Porn is okay if its just to scratch an itch as long as you're comfortable with the morals and ethical issues around it. However do you think you're watching porn because you're not getting satisfied in the relationship? If he's wanking every day then he does have a libido.

Id have to be honest and say I'd seen his history and what's going on. If he's getting off every day then he's capable of intimacy with you I'd have thought. The porn is likely destroying his sex drive because it's easier to get instant gratification and detach and just get a quick fix. It's harder to make an effort with your partner and pleasure another person etc and he clearly can't be arsed.

Typical... Woman watches porn very regularly, more than the male partner but merely because he's a man, posters are falling over themselves to call him a porn addict. It seems Op has the addiction, not him.

According to MN it does.

I’d tell him, he can’t lie if he knows you know about his porn use.

Before you have this conversation, be sure about the outcome you want.

Do you want to give couples therapy a go? Or are you past that stage and want the relationship to end

Be clear. Also be clear with yourself about your feelings for him. Do you really love him? Or had the resentment built up re the porn use and that is affecting your feelings for him?

Porn addiction, although very real, is far too commonly thrown here on MN.

as others have said, if he is choosing porn over real sex, and the porn effects his day-to-day life - IE being late for work because he wanted to watch porn instead/before he left then he is a porn addict.

I’ve watched porn regularly, both in and out of relationships and it has never ever been a substitute for real sex.

Assuming he does have a porn addiction, he needs to address the reasons why. My porn use escalated during lockdown when I got Peyronie’s disease and then partial ED, meaning I couldn’t physically have sex. Is everything ok for him in that department?

he could be avoiding it for fear of not getting hard, or having PE, so porn is the easy way out, although certainly not the right way out. the fact that the type of girls he is searching for are similar to you, would suggest he still finds you attractive and it most certainly is not a you problem and it’s a he issue.

now you both know each other watches it, why don’t you bring it into the bedroom and watch it together? It won’t work for everyone, but it can certainly be beneficial for some.

😂😂😂😂

I agree, it is laughable the way women excuse the female porn addict but the man is totally guilty😂😂😂😂

I think she is too. Good idea to talk it through.

😂😂😂😂