great on dates, rubbish afterwards

[sadmillenial]

Im 41, single, and have been dating for a few years now
I'm generally good on dates, because my default mode is pretty gregarious - i have funny stories, i'm good at talking to new people and I can carry a conversation if someone is shy. I almost always get a second date invite, so i dont have insecurities about this part of dating

i dont know how to move beyond this "performance" part of dating though? its exhausting, and i know its neither useful or healthy. Can anyone relate?

Don't put on a performance in the first place?

I can completely relate. For me it was anxiety. Anxiety about carrying the conversation and feeling responsible for it, anxiety about the other person having a good time, anxiety about silences, anxiety about controlling the conversation, anxiety about them getting to know me.

I learned to breathe. I learned to let go and let the other person share the burden. I allowed silences to form. I stopped 'entertaining' people.

I can still turn it on when I want to and I still sometimes take responsibility for the other person's feelings. But I'm a lot better than I was.

Now I pause and let the other person ask questions or take over the conversation. I don't rush to fill silences and I'm not always racing ahead to think of something to say.

To an extent. I'm often more extroverted as I love people...in small bursts.

But as I get to know someone I don't want to be 'on' all the time.

I worry about this. But tbh in practice, I've found that when I actually like them and feel comfortable around them, it tends not to be a problem.

That and, I try to date men who are also relatively gregarious. That way, if we both chill down if we get passed dating, it's still fine.

The issue is, if you feel you're the only one bringing the zest. You don't want to end up feeling like you have to carry them. Chances are, if that's what's happening, you're just not dating the right guys.

When you meet the right person it will just flow.

I'm sure there's an element of "performance" in most people's first dates.