I've been with my partner for about seven years (engaged for two months). We've built a lot together. Flat, graduation, close to getting a house and getting married. But I have doubts about the way she's behaved.
I've lost count of the amount of times she's threatened to break up when she's been angry with me. Once she threatened to end our relationship because I asked her to wait ten minutes for a video because I was talking to my brother (who btw I hadn't seen for months).
There have also been many occasions where she's exploded in anger and I can't think what I've done to provoke the situation. She ruined my 22nd birthday by screaming and shouting at me in front of my friends and storming off. Then a few days later when I told her how upset I felt she refused to speak to me.
I've been physically attacked on many occasions. For example, we were at my parents and she wanted some lunch. I offered to maker her some but politely requested she didnt eat it in the bedroom (my parents weren't keen on food being eaten upstairs). She responded to this by slapping me round the face multiple times and grabbing me violently in the private area.
There was another time at my parents when we were house sitting and she exploded at me out of nowhere for apparently "having an attitude'. All I did was tell her I felt I bit tired?! Then the next morning as I was making breakfast and she stormed into the kitchen shouting at me and demanded that I stand up straight. She then threw my breakfast in the bin and threatened to never speak to me again.
She's also attacked me outside of work for being 5 minutes late to meeting her. She once stole my keys and refused to let me out the house because I took a 5 minute break from doing house chores.
There's a lot more I could discuss but the worst of it all is I'm not sure she really cares or is partially remorseful about the way she acts. She has apologised on many occasions but I don't know how serious I can take that.
I was once doing the dishes whilst working from home. I went on my work phone for 5 minutes because someone messaged me. My partner exploded at me in anger (despite explaining that I was briefly checking a work message) for not doing the dishes, too which I then stormed out the flat. I had to go anyway because I had a driving lesson.
My partner chased me up the road, scratched up my arm and refused to let me go to my lesson. As we were walking back she demanded we have Couples counselling for our "communication problems". Excuse me what communication problem? She's clearly trying to manipulate me into thinking I'm responsible for her being violent. She then had the nerve to suggest that I was the one being controlling and manipulative for storming out..
We once went to a comedy gig at our local pub. We had a small disagreement over the seating arrangement to which she then exploded by saying "We're sitting here and that's the end of discussion, if you mention this again we're done". I then left the gig because it was all too much for me. I came back an hour later and we finished watching the show. On the way back she accused me of being childish so I politely asked her to point to examples of my childish behaviours. She responded by screaming at me in the street and accusing me yet again of being manipulative and controlling..
How can I take her apologises seriously when she's made multiple attempts to twist the truth and make me look like the bad one. Clearly she's trying to reflect her own issues onto me.
Whats also confusing is despite the above, my partner is also quite clingy. The day before the comedy gig incident she said a lot about wanting to marry me and have my kids (then the next day she's threatening to leave me over a seating arrangement).
Everytime I try and communicate with her about the way she's behaving it all falls back on the same thing "well if you don't like it then you can leave" and she tells me "it was a long time get over it"
The hypocrisy of her telling me to get over it is astonishing. She's very unforgiving and outspoken about men who are violent to women. She's repeatedly told me how women beaters deserve to be punished and locked up forever yet she thinks her own behaviour deserves understanding and forgiveness..
I won't dwell on this too much but her life experience with men has been pretty toxic. Family and relationship wise.
Is it possible she's using me to reenact her own trauma?