I want to leave but I can't afford it

[Komakino]

Basically, I have been with OH for 20+ years, we are unmarried, (He never wanted to get married ) and we have 2 children, 16 and 13. He works away and has a good job. Unfortunately I gave up my well paid job to have the kids and whilst i've been working since they started school its nowhere near as well paid as it was pre children. My OH is lazy, has never done anything with the children, is very controlling and quite the expert gaslighter amongst other things.

It has now come to the point that I really don't want to be with him anymore. My problem is I now earn roughly £1000 per month but that would only just cover the monthly rent in the area I live. I can't afford to give the kids what he is able to provide with his income. Which makes me feel really bad, I'm also acutely aware that he will do his best to make me look like the bad person if we did leave. I feel so trapped, and I don't know what to do.
Do I have to wait until both children leave home to make my move??

Are you in the UK? If so, provided you don’t have huge savings, then you’d be entitled to some UC which would be able to pay towards your rent. You’d also get CMS payments from him depending on how you divide care of the children. Do you both own the home you live in? If so, you’d get your % of that which could then help set you up elsewhere.

Honestly, life is too short and it will never be the perfect time, with the way things are these days your kids could easily be at home at 25+, that’s another 10+ years of this, by which time you’ll then be 10+ years older, starting from scratch. You need to think of yourself, your future, your pension, start making steps to get out.

Contact women’s aid for support and advice on how to leave. He’s abusive. Gaslighting is abuse. Controlling behaviour is abuse. the kids will prob be glad to be away from him by the sounds of it.

You will prob be able to claim UC, child benefit if both kids are still in full time education, child maintenance and get help with childcare if you need it to work more hours, etc. You can check what you’d be entitled to on turn 2 us.

As pp said, you might be entitled to money from the home too. Seek legal advice about this. Keep it all quiet until you’ve got your ducks in a row. Best of luck.