Leaving when you're not 100% sure

[Winenot1]

I have been doing a lot of therapy and unlocking past trauma which has made me cut certain friends etc out. Over the course of this, I've now realised how manipulative and abusive my partner of 8 years is. Punching walls and coercive control at times (not currently) along with other emotional abuse. A part of me still has a hope we could work and I feel like I still love him, best friend blah blah. But he's treated me so badly in the past few years (not currently, he's been pretty nice for the past year) and I feel like I no longer see him the same way and dream about a different life. The day to day part of me could tick along but deep down I can't forget all that's happened.
Has anyone left a situation where they could've just gone on day to day but in the bigger picture it's been for the best? Feel like I need a penny drop moment that never comes tbh, which is why I'm posting

Anyone

I'd imagine he's not that nice to you or you wouldn't be posting. Has he apologised for past behaviour?

He's not your best friend if he's been coercive and violent. I wonder if he's on his best behaviour at the moment as you gain strength and clarity from therapy. That threat of violence will always be there. No wonder you dream about a better life - it's not a big ask is it?

Life is complex.

And perspective is everything.

Do what makes you happy and safe.

He's has apologised but it's always been blamed on something I've done so it's I'll try better if you do better too

I think that's the thing its like my trust has been broken and I can't let go

I think I'm just needing some perspective as feels really hard to uproot my entire life when things feel ok but always having that in the back of my mind

let's flip the question - why stay if you're not 100% sure ?

he's been abusive in the past. His 'apology' wasn't an apology - it was a 'you made me do it' excuse. In effect you're waiting for the abuse to re-start.

trust is gone

This is not the way to live

So he has taken no responsibility for being abusive and probably doesn't recognise it as such.

Are you financially enmeshed?

Dear me, no. He hasn't changed at all.

I would hazard a guess that most people leaving an abusive relationship have mixed feelings and are not 100% certain. A huge amount of manipulation/gaslighting/ love bombing goes on over the course of an abusive dynamic, which keeps the target feeling unsure of themselves. Intermittent reinforcement is when your partner treats you well intermittently and this actuslly has the effect of making you feel even more committed to the relationship than if he treated you well consistently. So ironically it is harder to leave a worse relationship.

Leaving is a process, not a one time decision. Just keep moving towards that goal, looking for information, resources and support to help you get their in the end. You are far stronger and more awesome than you have been allowed to know. You deserve a life of freedom.

Thank you what a helpful response. I think you are right and I spend a lot of time wondering if he's been abusive. But ultimately doesn't matter other than how I feel he's treated me

Spending time wondering if someone is abusive is in itself a symptom of psychological abuse.

Put it this way, if you were in a normal, non-abusive relationship, would you be wondering if it was abusive? 100% not.

You are going through the process of coming to terms that this dynamic is not ok and you are getting clearer as you go. You are going to learn so much about yourself and have much better relationships in the future, so even though it is hard now you are headed towards a happier future. 😀

Thank you you are totally right that I wouldn't even be wondering if things were normal, never thought about it that way