how much would you take ?

[Angran1]

partner of 4 yrs, wont tell ex about us for fear of rocking the boat as he gets on with her...they share care of a disabled son..
he keeps contact with another ex by text....knowing that im uncomfortable with it.

latest.. .i need to leave his house tomorrow by 10 as his son is coming to stay...and weve not met properly yet and this would be a difficult situation for his son....

getting to the point of thinking had enough !!

I don't blame you.

He's not your partner at all by the sound of it.

How often does his child come to stay?

Ten years ago id have taken it. Now I’m out on my arse at 51 snd I would absolutely never take it again. It’s been 4 years. He’s hiding you from one ex which is bad enough. To then have the audacity to triangulate you with a second ex is unacceptable. You’re either his partner or you’re not and right now he’s treating you like a ghost! If it was me, having hopefully learned from my own numerous mistakes I would give him an ultimatum and I hate ultimatums. If you don’t though, you’re going to end up in this position for as long as you take it and potentially end up dumped at the end of it anyway because he isn’t giving you your place. People know when they’re doing wrong by you, trust me, they know. Tell him you’ve had enough and you’re either in his life or you’re not. He can choose. Please believe m, I’m not projecting but don’t waste years, I remember when I was at four years. By this point you need to know where you stand. It’s either them or you. It’s that simple.

Looks like he considers everyone else more important than you, including his ex's.
This is who he is.
I wouldn't give him anymore of your precious time.

He’s compartmentalised you. You fulfil one particular function in one small part of his life.

Being at the house when his son arrives isn’t fair on the child.

You do need to address this with him though. Either he shares the rest of his life with you or you leave.

He will never change, walk away now for someone who treats you well.

He has shown you, for a very long time, how important you are in his life and in his future.
There is compromise and patience in a relationship, but this is not it. This is just extreme and not sustainable. I'm guessing there is no talk of living together or being a family in the future? Because it absolutely isn't going to happen if you continue to live by his terms.
Surely you know that you deserve more than to be a part time secret partner after 4 years together? How much control does his ex hold over him if he hasn't told her or his child about your after 4 years. I have to ask, if he's kept you secret and hidden away for so long, does he even see you as his life long partner or are you just convenient to him because he knows not many other women would put up with this nonsense!?
I don't mean to sound harsh. You've been so patient and understanding with him, but at what point do you draw a line and put down your needs as a priority? It's honestly time to take a long hard think about what you want from life and if he is even capable of providing that for you...

each weekend he stsys so i stay away. hes been in hosp.this week and il be there tonight and hes coming tomorrow for an extra night unusually ....which is why im needing to leave early...

+every other + weekend...dont kniw why i said each weekend....

i have no idea howhes kept it from her !! ... all his family know....ive even stsyed with his parents ....

You’re “thinking” you’ve had enough? Do you have your own place? I’d be done with this.

yes i do.l have my own place....how much do.i take ? ...i make exceptions as his son is ill...at the same time i know im having the piss taken...

feel pretty pissed off tbh.....hate being a secret !!! im opwn and honest on all !!
thing is he is happy to facetime me with his son.....

I done it for 10! I still don’t feel like a real person anymore. I honestly feel like I need to hide all the time and I’m not even with him anymore and I hate that I miss him but living like that is really horrific even though it sounds like it’s not that big a deal to a lot of people.

Honestly, no matter how much you think having to leave early, or ‘go away’ (I could still cry right now) doesn’t affect you, it really affects you over time, you don’t deserve that.

i can see mine going on for that long....if i let it....i want to be with him, but hate the way i allow it to be...what do you do...we are great together....but circumstances are not great !!!

Bluntly, OP, it’s not ‘circumstances’, it’s choices your partner has made to sideline you in his life for the sake of an easy time, and your choice to go along with it and allow yourself to be sidelined. Absolutely I’m in favour of not introducing partners too soon to children, but it’s been four years! Is he really expecting you to believe his ex only gets on ok with him about the co-parenting of their child if he remains celibate?

i hear you, i do. weve had exactly this covo....words, many times ! he will not budge on telling her !! and yes i agree its easy....on him, not me.....he just doesnt want to face the music - for a brief time- from her.....what can be worse tho, from when he first left ???

every orher weekend i step away so he has his time with his son, ...its diffucult on us both....him as his son is disabled, so i leave them to that time, equally i dont see him.....but i know its their time...but i get upset over the lack of honestly abour me on his life....

Agree with this. Life is too short for this shit. You deserve better

You deserve better. Leave him.