How to fix my broken relationship

[Triedandbroken]

I don’t know how to fix my relationship. We’ve been together 20 years and have three kids - 16, 14 and 12. Our 14 and 12 year old both have autism and adhd and our 12 year old has a medical condition as well. Both go to specialist schools and have a lot of emotional and behavioural issues. The youngest is the most challenging as she’s non-speaking, challenging behaviours. Is only able to leave the house to go to school.

I’ve only been back at work for 5 years and work four days a week term time only. Husband works at a senior level. I’m balancing work and caring and feeling like I’m doing a crappy job at both.

But I’m struggling mentally. I’m finding I’m crying almost everyday. I feel like I’ve gone from being a person to a carer. I’ve dropped out of the world as it’s so difficult to connect with people. DH on the other hand goes about his life as normal. Does his hobbies 3/4 nights a week. I just feel broken. The fact that our dd turned 12 last week and the reality that she is still very much like a baby has deeply affected me. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. She can’t access Sen activities, she won’t be left with other people even her grandparents. I hate that this is what my life will be like for the foreseeable future.

The biggest issue though is that my DH feels that I’m not affectionate. By that I mean that we’re going through a bit of a sex dry spell. I’m not in a good headspace at the moment and told him I was struggling but it seems turning down sex when a cuddle was the foreplay for him has led to him barely speaking to me again. I know everyone has needs so I understand that but I’m so tired of his affection being a sexual advance. There’s never just hugs. At the moment, I’m just trying to keep myself together when really I just want to check out of my life.

and exactly how much of the caring and housework does he do?

He can sod right off with his pathetic moaning about a lack of sex. He needs to step up with care for your youngest and give up a night or two a week to make sure you get some time out the house.

You have a lot on your plate and need to be given some time for yourself.

He needs to cut down the being out 3/4 nights per week and you go out for 1/2 nights.

It will be difficult I'm sure but you need to find out who you are outside of being a carer.

It sounds like you would benefit from some therapy to come to terms with how things are now and what the future will bring.

I didn’t want to scroll by without saying “I feel your pain.” I too had an (ex) husband who was basically a sex pest. Just having an embrace or hug in the kitchen would raise more than I could cope with at the time and caused arguments between us far too often. In the end his childish sulking and the silent non-speaking treatment for days on end meant I had to get out. I was told this was “unreasonable behaviour “ and I could divorce him for it.

In your shoes I’d take legal advice and consider your options. I appreciate they will be challenging given your children’s’ needs but really, you need some guidance about what’s possible and legal advice is a good place to start.

He puts washing in and hangs it out. He’ll go to the shops if I give him a list. He takes the youngest swimming for an hour on a Sunday. But mainly the caring falls to me. He doesn’t seem as deeply affected by it because I suppose it doesn’t really affect him.

I just want to be loved and for him to be kind. I’m not against affection but it all seems to come back to sex and mentally, I just feel exhausted. It’s not like he’s moaning he’s just being very cold and pretty much ignoring me. At some point he’ll complain that I’m not affectionate.

cold and ignoring - what a prince

@PashaMinaMio, sorry you’ve been through this as well. He’s said before I make him feel like a pest but sometimes when I’m in the kitchen I don’t want my bottom smacked. His idea of affection feels very different to mine and it feels impossible to bring up as he then gets defensive and blames me saying I’m not affectionate at all and make him feel like a bother.

I don’t open up easily emotionally so I thought I could talk to the one person who’d understand and instead he’s made it about him and sex again and now is being very cold.

I completely understand as my husband is the same. It all came to a head recently, he said I wasn’t affectionate but my response was that whenever I was, it always leads to sex so I’ve just stopped doing it. Also got silent treatment for declining advances so I felt like I just went through the motions for an easier life.

It’s been a few weeks now since the talk so the other night in bed I cuddled up to him to try and show my affection but that just gave him the green light for him to instigate sex.

Do you think he would go for couples counselling so you could discuss what you both needed ?

Just tell him everything you have said here OP

What do you have to lose?

If being at home caring for the kids was the better option you could bet more men would do it.

Explain to him it's the emotional and mental load that is exhausting that you just have nothing left emotionally at the end of the day.

Him saying I'll sort the kids go and have a long bath with a book would be much more enticing.

But he's not doing that is he, he's slapping bottom and expecting a sex goddess to emerge. Is he so socially unaware how ineffective this is?

He doesn't sound like a great partner. I am now separating after a very long relationship where I took responsibility for everything. My children are very severe disabled. Put yourself first.

Op some men do this on purpose. They do know the difference between affection and sex and they do it on purpose so you reject them and they can play the victim or be abusive. I realised this when my ex whined I always reject him after he had groped me in the kitchen while his fucking mother was in the lounge with our children.

The refusal to stop, defensiveness and sulking suggests he knows exactly what he’s doing. Treating you like an object and abusing you with silent treatment when you object. You probably need to look at other areas of your marriage where he is being abusive.

So he needs to half his hobby time so you can have it

I’ve explained to him how exhausted I am. A few weekends ago I said how much I was struggling and it didn’t go down well as he gets very defensive about how much he contributes. I don’t think he’s aware of all the little things to keep the house running and with the kids. He just can’t seem to understand how drastically life changing it has been for me. His life really hasn’t changed that much. He’ll happily tell everyone how our 12 year old dd is incredibly challenging and difficult yet it doesn’t seem to translate to him that on the whole he’s not the one who is caring for her.

I can’t work out if he’s stupid or just selfish that he can’t see the difference between being affectionate and pestering for sex. He seems to think I’m deliberately being difficult but my head feels an absolute mess at the moment and all I want is someone to give me a cuddle or when I say my shoulders hurt rather than huff that sex is off the table, he offers to rub them.

he is well aware - he doesn't care

@Shadesofscarlett, it’s really tough to think that he just doesn’t care and it would contract heavily against his opinion he has of himself.

A lot of men (not all) think sex is the way to show affection and therefore when we reject it because we just want a cuddle they feel really rejected and hurt.
I once spoke to a male friend about this and he said “I generally always instigate sex as it shows her how much I fancy and still want her” 🙄

And some men are selfish sex pests who care only about themselves. Mansplaining this away is unfair to the op.

Affection seems limited to sex only. He’ll say it isn’t but it is. A cuddle is never just a cuddle and it’s really tough to talk to him about it as he gets really defensive about it. When I’m tired, I tell him I’m tired but then it ends with him sulking and being cold to the point of ignoring me.

I wasn’t suggesting it was ok. My husband is exactly the same and it’s gross. I was merely trying to point out how they sometimes see it, wasn’t saying it was acceptable behaviour. I don’t think all men actually realise they are being sex pests, they are just to simple minded to realise a hug is classed as affection to us.

They know exactly what they’re doing happy.

I firmly believe this is a type of abuse and should be recognised as such.

One of the most frustrating things is that he claims he’s a good communicator. I think if he was in my situation he’d also feel quite depressed and low. I just can’t get him to see it from my point of view that I’m bogged down by our life. I don’t want to have sex with someone who takes me for granted, goes out 3-4 times a week early evening and then spends the evening on his phone.