Why do men just walk out and not contact children?

[lurker1000]

So I’ve posted before - DH got a flat last year and has been back and forward - I fully admit that I’ve allowed this to happen thinking that we could work it out.

Its become completely unworkable - he now wants to flounce off to his flat whenever things aren’t exactly how he likes (his latest mood was because I chose to look after our sons friend one day a week for two hours and it was reciprocated by friends mum on another day so I could work - I ‘should have ran this past him’. Despite the fact he hasn’t contributed financially to this house in 18 months.)

My main issue is that he thinks it’s ok to leave and then not see children for weeks - it’s two weeks since he seen the youngest (7) and he texts the eldest (13) once a day about football - in his eyes ‘they are completely fine’ - am I wrong to think this isn’t right?? Is this just how it works?

When I questioned it he said they are more than welcome to go over to his flat - in my heart I don’t want this right now, it will come in time but I’d rather a proper plan was set up. I guess I’m just so hurt that he hasn’t even asked about them.

He's got a nice set up, hasn't he? The benefits of family life when he wants it, then he can flounce off when he doesn't and avoid all the parental and financial responsibility.

What are you getting out of this?

The inequality in contact with the children will be actively harmful to their sibling relationship, too. Is the younger a girl?

If you ask men why they do this they will tell you it is because the women stopped them from seeing their kids.

Usually absolute bullshit.

He sounds like he is adding nothing to your life. Just end your marriage, tell him to live at his flat and end this bizarre arrangement which serves him nicely and stuffs you around.

This sounds really confusing for your DC and difficult for you. Does he still sleep at yours and keep some of his stuff there? You need to separate properly. Seek legal advice if you haven't already as he might become very unpleasant when you do stand up for yourself.

Thanks - it’s two boys - eldest has a phone for WhatsApp so he contacts him generally. He doesn’t have anything here - took it all and when he’s been back, he’s lived out of a bag really.

He left two weeks ago and came back a couple of days later for the dog (to be fair I never wanted a dog) but I’m left explaining to kids why it isn’t there. He then came by a few days later to give me his key. So he couldn’t be clearer that he wants out.

when I asked him how could I continue with someone who treated me and kids this way, he calmly said ‘you don’t have to, I’m not here’. I’ve let things continue for too long but I’m worried I’ve actually done more damage to the kids. And now he hasn’t seen the kids and doesn’t even ask?? I’m just struggling

he said they are more than welcome to go over to his flat - in my heart I don’t want this right now

You can't have it both ways. It's no wonder he's fed up of feeling like a drop in dad when that's the only option you're giving him. Sort out proper/regular contact arrangements where the kids go to his flat. The reason you don't want this is because you don't like the idea of being left alone in an empty house while your DC are off having a good time with their dad. So how do you think he feels about the current arrangement?

This is absolutely not my reason - he hasn’t asked to see the kids at all. He hasn’t paid any maintenance in 18 months.

he only said they could go to his flat because I said that he had left me to deal with everything.

It’s not just men that do this my wife just did the same thing and left me with the 3 children under 4. Hasn’t seen them in weeks. Barely asked about them and then trying to tell everyone I won’t let her see them when I’ve asked repeatedly what the plan for the children is or even does she just want to see them at park or something. It’s so so hard isn’t it. We just want the best for our children and their other parent just doesn’t seem to care 🤷‍♀️

Change the locks!

I don't want to be a parent and when online dating I put that on my profile, I was clear I also didn't want to be a step parent. Many men who had children still messaged me and here's what they said about it;

Ex is crazy
Ex won't let me see them
I don't even pay for them because she spends it on herself so you won't be affected by it at all
She tricked me into having them
I didn't want them (many variations on this such as I had them for her, they were an accident)
I've moved away and I don't give my ex any money now she has a new boyfriend so it's like I'm childfree
It's better for me not to be in their lives than to be in and out confusing them
They have a new dad now

And more I've forgotten. Basically the walkaway parent can justify it to themselves.

I replied to every one telling them the person I wouldn't want to date more than I wouldn't want to date a parent is a shitty parent who was damaging their children and blocked them. It probably didn't do any good but I really am sick of society not holding people to account for not seeing/paying for their children when a relationship ends.

WHY hasn't he paid maintenance at all for 18 months?

Assuming he's not paying for anything else get on the phone to CMS today - that's the LEAST he can do

...it's the ONLY thing my ex does for the kids...

It’s easier to cop-out than actually deal with things I suppose for many men who leave their wives and children. If they had no other option but to look after their children then they have to do it, but because you’re there doing everything he knows he doesn’t have to life a finger and can be selfish. It’s shitty.

My XHs excuse (he neither saw nor paid for his five kids, he'd take them maybe once a year) was that it was 'too painful' for him to see them. So he just...didn't.

Thanks all - I know if I kick up a fuss, then he will take the kids to his flat. But part of me thinks should he not be asking for them to go over? Checking to make sure they are ok? He's gone from seeing them every day to not once in two weeks this time

Or am I expecting too much? Is this just how it is?

He stopped paying anything 18 months ago when he was setting up his flat, he claims that he has spent thousands on kids over the intervening time - but it's all stuff that he can get credit for - football tickets, takeaways etc. It's been an ongoing issue that I've been left paying all the bills on my own.

Those men who do that are the men who only care about their children while they're fucking the mother and being looked after.
Once they're not getting sex and domestic services, the children are irrelevent. They have no further need to perform the duties expected by the mother in order for her to carry on performing hers.

Imo it really is as simple as that.

You need to step into a more formal arrangement.

Have a custody schedule- don't do all the driving either. Drop them with him and then he drops them back.

You need to apply for CMS and a property settlement.

Work out if you can afford the house on your own.

Stop waiting for him to turn into someone else. Hes shown you who he is- act accordingly and move forward.