Everything really triggering me lately (TW CA)

[Gamzee]

I hate that word when it's used too freely but I don't know how else to describe it.

Classic stately homes childhood. Financially comfortable, holidays abroad, latest toys and named brand clothes.
Behind closed doors house was always a tip. Washing piled high near back door, had to dig through a pile of 3ft washing to get clothes.
Dad away all the time
Working/hobbies/golf, anything to not be there.

Mum to the outside world was doting and fun/cool.

Behind closed doors was highly abusive physically and emotionally.

Not just smacking but hitting, pulling hair, scratching, biting, strangling, suffocating. Rough and angry at bathtime, pushing me under the water if I panicked when she poured jugs of water over my face.

This is all primary school age.

Had pretty normal relationship as adult.

Raised the abuse once as an adult and she physically attacked me

A few weeks ago something small happened and it all came pouring out and I basically turned it round and said (via text) that I'm this was because of her and her abuse as a child and that she's a narcissist and some pretty horrible things and blocked her.

Now I just keep crying.

Not because of my mum but I just keep thinking of my self as a child.

If I'm in the bath I panic I'm going to go under the water. If I'm playing a retro game I think about when I was a kid and I just wanted to play and be happy. So I break down

I keep seeing myself as a 9 year old in my head and wondering how thw fuck could she hurt a child like that?

Her own child?

She doesn't care
She's never apologised for anything in her life.

I'm the bad guy for saying she was a shit mum. She isn't the bad guy for actually doing all that!! I'm the problem for bringing it up.

I thought about writing a letter explaining why I exploded but she won't care. She will just see it as another attack.

I won't ever get an apology.

She was sadistic about it. That's the worst part.

I feel like she didn't just lose it sometimes

I feel like she enjoyed seeing me in pain
I remember her eyes boring into mine as I struggled for breath
That really gets to me :(

I asked the NHS for therapy and they referred me for 3rd round of CBT instead of trauma therapy which I wanted.

I'm just fed up.

I'm a nervous wreck with next to no life because of what she did. Yet she still acts like a great mum because she buys nice Xmas presents etc

Sad bump

Oh I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry you've had no replies.
It's not in my experience so not really qualified to comment. I can't imagine how you're feeling and no acceptance from your mum is the hardest.
Please try to seek some more counselling. If you explain all that has happened surely you must get some very soon.
In the meantime, please take very good care of yourself - you deserve it xxx

So sorry you went through that. I did too, from both parents. Affluent neglect is on the rise and it's all so sad. I couldn't touch a hair on my 9 year old so don't get it at all!!

Thankyou.
I want therapy but I'm highly anxious and it's such an effort to battle to get treatments these days that I just don't have it in me

I might try next week.

I think I've actually lost my place on the CBT therapy list now as I didn't reply to a letter about an appointment because I was so angry that they're fobbing me off with the same treatment again.

Thankyou.

We weren't actually rich, we lived in a council house and and my mum didn't work. My dad had a decent job at the time and made enough for us to be able to have most things. But money was never an issue so people always just assumed we were some really nice family and had no clue what she was like.

Also worried about navigating family events now.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. Your childhood sounds horrific. Something was very very wrong with your mother. She definitely sounds like a narc (at least) . Please get some therapy, maybe look into EMDR. I don't know whether you have the funds to pay for it as I don't think you can get it on the NHS. I didn't have a childhood like yours but my husband did and he is dead now in part no doubt because he stayed in contact and didn't get therapy (suicide). People seriously underestimate the impact of childhood trauma. I know many a suicide widow/er who's late spouse had childhoods like yours.

Asked to be referred for CAT Therapy.
It's much better than CBT for past trauma...
( not counselling...that's for now not the past)..over 40 years I've had every Therapy possible.. even time in a psychiatric hospital on and off.
Trauma from my past .. and real bad trauma .. something like out of a horror movie.
I've just had 24 weeks of CAT Therapy...last one is on Mondsy.
You build a relationship with your Psychotherapist.. l can hand on heart say it's the best I've had.. I'm 66 now and for once in 40 years l can live my life without having to go back there.
Good luck.

www.acat.me.uk/page/about+cat

I'm so sorry about your husband :(

This is actually really interesting and I'm going to request if I can access this.

Thankyou