Friends and relationships

[HS89]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship which I left due to serious mental abuse.

I have been in a new relationship for the past 8 months, my partner has cheated on me, lied about things. He has held his hands up (now) has said he will get help for certain things and issues he has, has promised to do everything in his power to make it right and fix things.

the issue is one of my friends has stopped talking to me, she said I need help and need to admit I have have issues even thinking about taking him back, she has said really hurtful things, how horrible he is and he will never change etc, which I get and understand people are able to have their own opinion. The thing that hurts the most is I literally see this friend once a year, there has never been any effort from when my last relationship broke down, the first time she seen my child was a couple of weeks ago at the age of 3, we chat most days. I get people are busy with their own life however I don’t understand how someone can have that big a view to cut me out their life when they haven’t been around that much. I’m absolutely gutted and don’t know what to do

Sorry If I understood this wrong but you left your daughter? How old was she?

Sorry I mean I left the relationship with my daughters dad. I still have my daughter I did not leave her.

Honestly I think your friend is right. After only 8 months you’ve been cheated on and lied to and yet you’re still thinking of taking him back? There does come a point where as a friend if a person wants to ruin their lives and doesn’t want help to avoid that then then you don’t have to stick along to watch the car crash.

Take the fact your friend feels so strongly about this as your sign to walk away from this man.

I think she left the relationship, not the daughter.

OP, your friend doesn’t have to have behaved in a supportive way in your past bad relationship to have a clear, and in fairness, entirely justifiable view that you’re choosing badly again, that you have terrible taste in men, or a tendency from some childhood trauma to repeatedly choose abusive one’s. For your own sake and your daughter’s, don’t direct your anger at the wrong person, and end it. At eight months in, infidelity and lying aren’t a good sign. How about you find someone who keeps his trousers zipped and tells you the truth?

@HS89 thanks for clarifying. I think your friend was bang on tbh. This man is not going to change. 8 months in and he lies and chests. I appreciate you are in a vulnerable position but being with this man will be miserable for you and your dd. You are better off on your own. It’s a pattern with women leaving abusive relationships that they are preyed on with another abuser. Sounds like you hardly know or can trust this man so keep with away from your dd.

• cheats

I mean, your friend is right isn't she. You've come out of one dreadful relationship, and have now dived into another one. People who cheat on you less than a year into your relationship are people you should be running away from, not going back to.

Sounds like a friend who has your best interest at heart.

From your friend's point of view, it's very frustrating when someone you care about goes back to a man who has treated her badly. I can see why she might feel she needs to take a step back from the friendship.

It sounds like you've jumped from the frying pan into the fire with your new relationship.

Honestly if he's cheated and lied to you in the first few months of the relationship, (the getting to know you and honeymoon period, for goodness sake), you would be far far better getting out than trying to make it work. Why invest your time and effort into someone who treats you so badly already?

I kind of sympathise with a friend who doesn't want to watch you waste more of your life with another shit bloke, I'm afraid.

How about being single for a while and doing some work on yourself to build up your confidence and self-esteem and boundaries? The Freedom Programme is supposed to be quite good.

If you described your P ( can't bring myself to use the D) to your friend, as you have to us in your OP. Tbh, her assessment w9as bang on the money. If a man can't be faithful in the first flush of a relationship, he never will be. If a woman can't easily find the gumption to dump after a short relationship of only months - then that's a big fundamental issue she has.
Your DD is only 3, take some time away from men, focus on being a good parent. If you don't have the ability to get out of a bad situation, don't start one.

She's a real friend. You should have listened to her. She's not talking to you because she doesn't want to stay and watch the outcome.

She knows about these issues because you've told her. And she doesn’t want to listen or offer you emotional support to be in a relationship that is bad for you.

If you chat every few days she's putting a lot of effort in, even if she's not visited before. It may be taking up quite a lot of her mental energy trying to say the right thing. I can see why she wants to back away.
Are you sure your relationship is worth it?

I would choose your friend over your partner. 8mnths in and he's done all that, in the meantime you have a daughter to bring up. Has he actually got any help yet? What sort of help does he need to stop him cheating?

Padlock on his trousers.
it’s such a cop out when men say they need “help” or turn to cheating because of “low self esteem”. You need a lot of confidence to cheat and these are excuses as old as time.

I suppose she sees you going from your previous relationship, where you suffered mental abuse, only to enter into another relationship where you're being treated very poorly. She probably doesn't want to witness that or to see your DD being affected by it

Do you live with him? Don't believe acword he says. Be on your own for a while.

I should stop worrying about this casual friendship and start worrying about your actual life. Are you seriously going to take back a bloke who, in the short space of 8 months, has lied and cheated? How old is your daughter? Are you going to make a man like that part of her life?

You had one failed relationship with abuse and now you are in a new one with cheating and lying. I think you should be by yourself to work on yourself so you don't keep choosing/staying with wrong men. No wonder your mate doesn't want to entertain these bad choices.