Dp lost his job and can't get another and has become miserable - not sure how much longer I can put up with it

[Caravano]

Dp had a job last year that really stressed him out. He stopped sleeping properly, he was getting anxious and stressed all the time, he'd often wake up vomiting. I earn more than dp but at that stage, not by much (we're not married and have no dc together but individually have dc) but was hoping to slow down my work as I've recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

We discussed it and decided it would definitely be better if he found another job (and resigned from current one, as it was impacting his health so much) and he had a long notice period so thought he would find one in that time. But he didn't. The notice period came to the end and despite applying for literally hundreds of jobs, he didn't get one. He has a company he runs with 2 other people but the company can only afford 2 salaries so he has always done it in his free time. He decided he would try and get the company to grow so that in January, hopefully it would be able to afford 3 salaries - but the problem is that without investing money into it (which he doesn't have) it cant grow. They are trying to raise money but not sure how successful they will be.

In the meantime, I got headhunted for a new role (more money but also a lot more work). I don't want to take it but I've had to because without the certainty of his income, I need to earn more and I feel a knot in my stomach at the fact that I am going to have to try and handle a more stressful and difficult role at a time when I'd really like to be doing less.

Dp has started getting angry and negative about everything. He is furious in the morning as he feels he's not sleeping well even though when you look objectively at the hours he's slept it's loads. Anything I say he just snaps back at me - if i dare complain about my work now, he just replies really angrily with ridiculous suggestions like writing written complaints and going over my boss's head all of which would escalate the situation and when I say that won't work, he'll say why are you bothering even talking to me about it when you don't take my advice. I said I just want to chat about my day etc. and he's said he no longer wants to hear it. I'm finding being with him utterly miserable but if I say anything, I'm the bad one because he believes he's suffering most and he blames it on everything. He's over 50 so he said no one his age is getting roles because everyone is ageist, he is furious at the government for changing the NI rules as one role he was going for they have withdrawn with the excuse that they are no longer hiring due to the changes in the NI rate. I'm sure he is probably depressed but living with someone who is behaving this way is intolerable.

I tried to gently suggest he get some help but he feels a total failure as he can't get work and even if he was on antidepressants, it doesn't solve the issue that he has no money now (and he pays child support for 2dc and his exw is spending days screaming at him down the phone for him daring to try and reduce it). I feel for him and I do love him but I can't continue like this with someone spewing hatred of everything in life from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed - he's just so critical and negative.

Apart from asking him to leave ( he lives in my house) which would be a last resort as I would effectively be making him homeless, does anyone have any suggestions of what I could do next?

Look he has to take responsibility for his mh.
He has to go to gp yes take pills if needs be.
He is an adult.
He has to find a way.
Set your boundaries
You cannot support him if he refuses to seek help.

Tell him
You go to gp. You find someone to talk to get help
You look for a job any job

Otherwise you leave go live with someone else
Do not let him pull you down
Look up depression fallout

The thing that immediately standa out is his company situation. He's doing work for them its their company not just the 2 of there's so there needs to be a discussion re wages and the split. Not simply not pay 1 person who is still part of the company. He needs to start with this conversation first.

Agree with this.

If he won't accept your advice to talk to his GP and someone else regularly then he needs to go as there is nothing you can do.

If he doesn't take additional steps to improve his mental health like walking the dog for an hour a day then there is nothing you can do.

You can't improve his mindset and get him to realise:

• You can get IT jobs over 50. He may get less pay but he will get less stress.
• You can get temporary or more menial jobs over 50. You need to be prepared to work any hours and explain in a logical fashion why you want the job.
• There is no one forcing him to put up with his ex-wife's phone calls. If she is screaming and shouting at him down the phone he needs to block her phone calls and do all correspondence in writing. He should also make sure his decreased child maintenance payments are done properly.

As someone also in my early 50s who recently resigned from a job without another lined up after experiencing bullying and a toxic environment at work, I can fully sympathise with your DP and the situation he is in. I am dreading looking for a new role after Christmas and fully expecting it to be very challenging. My confidence is shattered and there is no way I could have looked for a role while I was working as my mental health was through the floor.

Of course, you can't continue with things as they are but it sounds like DP realises he is being unreasonable and not nice to be around after these episodes. Assuming your relationship beforehand was good, I think sitting down to discuss when both of you are calm might help. Hopefully he will then realise how badly how behaviour is affecting you and you can discuss together some of the good ideas other posters have suggested. I think threatening him with leaving should be a last resort as you suggest and I personally wouldn't do that at this stage unless the discussions (might take more than one) don't result in any change in his behaviour.

I can see both sides of this and I really feel for both of you.

Although it’s hard, I would try and not moan about your job around him right now.
It’s a bit like moaning about how difficult your pregnancy is, to a woman who is struggling to get pregnant.

He needs to get a job.
We all need to work or do something productive for our MH and so I do feel for him but it’s not fair on you either.

As he’s been unsuccessful with getting a job so far, I would try and turn it around and see it as a positive thing.

Tell him that this is his opportunity to do something he’s always wanted to do and perhaps do something a bit more meaningful.

He could volunteer to get experience in the field or try different fields to see what he likes and the volunteer work will get him out of your hair/give him something to focus on.

Why are you taking on a more stressful role?
I understand your income is having to stretch more now but could you downsize or something instead?

I am a single parent so only have 1 income and so it can be done.
You need to be careful that you don’t end up burning yourself out.

If he's got IT ops skills he should be able to find something. Definitely look at agencies for temp roles but also look at public sector, nhs, NGO roles. They will pay less but he may want to get a role that is lower and less pay in order to have something

Huge sympathy. DH was made redundant in July and has applied for over 100 jobs, non execs, lower paid roles etc etc and can't even get an interview. He's a very senior marketing executive and is trying to stay upbeat, but there is a limited market for expensive straight white men in their 50s apparently. 😞

I have resorted to not offering any advice and trying to just mirror what he says to me and offer as much sympathy as I can....

My local Royal Mail sorting office needs seasonal staff at Christmas.
My local B&Q often advertises.
Supermarkets need delivery drivers.
Water companies need operatives.
There’s work for those who want it.

Im speaking from experience :
He needs to realise that being in work, any work, will show initiative & make it easier to get a better job.
If he takes temp work through an agency, and gets a lower level job with a large organisation, within that organisation he will get to hear about other jobs within that place. I did this and got made permanent and was happy there for years doing various roles.
Positivity breeds positivity. Energy breeds energy.
Age is actually no barrier. I also know this from personal experience. It’s just a number. Attitude and life experience counts for a lot.
I hope 2025 will be a better year for you both.

I agree I've gotten my foot in the door through temping and contracting several times

there is a limited market for expensive straight white men in their 50s apparently

Ah yes, the much marginalised straight, white man. Expensive is probably the actual reason here.

I tried to gently suggest he get some help but he feels a total failure as he can't get work and even if he was on antidepressants, it doesn't solve the issue that he has no money now...

Antidepressants probably aren't the answer if whatever's ailing him is situational (a result of his bad job situation before he resigned, and then of his inability to find work or make money). But therapy or counseling might help him cope with his circumstances more constructively so he's not constantly taking his frustrations out on you.

It could also be a place to talk the situation through and brainstorm possible solutions, as he seems to be unsuccessful so far in doing that. His observations about the climate and his age may be correct, that doesn't solve the problem. HAS he accessed all of the resources available? In addition to temping and trying employment agencies/headhunters (who might also help him brush up his CV for the current market, if needed) and looking into retraining, he must have contacts from his prior job(s) that could clue him in to openings before they're published and/or vouch for him to potential employers. But he has to let them know, proactively, that he's looking for work and flexible about role and salary.

Finally, counseling could also help him with boundaries. E.g., why waste energy listening to his ex scream? If the relationship has deteriorated that much, he should hang up the telephone and if necessary let the courts decide how much he can afford to pay in child support. Also there's not enough info here to say, but the situation with his business seems odd; why is he the one who draws no money from it while his two partners/employees draw full-time salaries? If there's really no opportunity for him there, maybe it's time to put it aside.

"Anything I say he just snaps back at me - if i dare complain about my work now, he just replies really angrily with ridiculous suggestions like writing written complaints and going over my boss's head all of which would escalate the situation and when I say that won't work, he'll say why are you bothering even talking to me about it when you don't take my advice. I said I just want to chat about my day etc. and he's said he no longer wants to hear it. I'm finding being with him utterly miserable but if I say anything, I'm the bad one because he believes he's suffering most and he blames it on everything."

This isn't acceptable behaviour. Plenty of people lose jobs, struggle with mental illness, face financial stress, but they don't treat their partner like an emotional punching bag. This behaviour would be the reason to ask him to leave you house. It is one thing to support someone, but to be unable to talk to them because they shut you down with emotional outbursts is not ok. He needs to cut this behaviour out. You don't deserve this.

I was saying it slightly tongue in cheek and I knew I'd get picked up on it. However, there is an issue - almost without exception, every single role he has applied for over the past year has gone to a woman - and he's applied for over 100. He's been in meetings where senior executives (non white males and females) have said that they are "not hiring any more f'ing straight white men". I can't imagine what would happen if that was said about any other demographic. Campaign magazine was lamenting that the industry is "only 32% BAME" now - which is WAY higher than the national average. Only something like 7% of the workforce is over 50 in advertising and marketing, yet the population is ageing,and the average across all UK employment sectors is closer to 15% of over 50s.

I know that he's had a good run - but he is only just 50. Discrimination and ageism are a problem in his industry. We still have a mortgage, 2 children at uni and 2 more at school....he's tried looking for lower paid roles, going sideways, trying consulting, looking abroad - he needs a job, any job, but it's really really tough out there!

Such a rough situation.

It's really shit to be forced into being the breadwinner like this

What is it like for your child living with this?

It's very hard to live with someone with untreated depression.

You seem like you’ve already tried a lot to help him and are very supportive. However, I think bullying/burnt out will take a long time for him to recover from and obviously his perceived lack of success in the job market now is making it worse.

Could you sit down and look at the finances together and “bottom line” what you need to bring in collectively? Then you have the choice to move to a less stressful role as well in the future. It might make it seem more manageable to look for a job to tide him over not a career job as such?

I left work with stress last year and I was lucky to get CBT from the NHS (it’s a self referral to their services, you don’t have to see a gp) and they additionally gave my employment support with updating my CV etc… I’ve also done an online group course (mics and cameras can be off) at the moment, which was helpful and makes you see how many others feel a similar way about stress/sleep/confidence etc...

I think suggest you take small steps together, trying CBT/counselling/ seeing the gp included. Then it’s about getting his confidence up and tiding over. Try to empathsize to him not to worry about medium to long term, as his mental
health/happiness is most important, or he’ll just end up in the same position he was in his last job.

Sorry if this is already really obvious to you!

What on earth is he going working for free in his own company?

Financially providing for others and not himself.

He needs to let one go or initiate salary cuts.

Or does one of the other two want to buy him out so that at least he gets a lumpsum to tied him over.

There are lots of things he could do but he's doing nothing.

Has he tried the nhs? Certainly in wales we're desperate for decent data engineers especially with cloud experience

If he's worked only in private industry he will find government roles stressful for different reasons.

Is he registered on civil service jobs? In some departments the do pay more per grade for a IT/digital jobs (DWP does for example as going through huge digital changes constantly as are many gov't depts)
Pay might be less than private but good working conditions and pension.

I'm sorry but this is just so wrong on so many counts. The being nasty about not wanting to hear about your day. Take any decency job he can get meantime, or even IT/Ops agency work. To do the company stuff, 2 other owners, in his free time for no remuneration is also very silly indeed, given the current situation.

This is really difficult because I fear the tech market will contract further. A relationship is a partnership. Sometimes he plays well, sometimes you do. At the moment he is having a bad run so you need to step up for the team. Can he take on some of the burden at home so you can do this better paid job and cope with your illness?

I wouldn't put ip with someone treating me like shit in my own home. Can't be great for your children. Or you having to take on a job you don't want when you're unwell.

This only works when both parties are playing by the rules and this man isn't - he's verbally aggressive to OP, treats her badly, and won't get help for his mental health issues.

He doesn't sound like someone who's going to step up and carry the load at home so OP can cope with a demanding job and her own health when she's the only earner.