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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to read exH behaviour and what to do next

13 replies

missmissymiss · 22/11/2024 00:34

My EXH and I split up 10 years ago then had lenthy divorce with our new DPs both sides involved. All completely unnecessary. Ex was angry at me and he wanted it all to be painful. No one won. When we used to be together we were v much in love but sexless marriage. Therapy did not help. ended it.
10 years later I still miss him and our time together. He had couple of bad relationships, I have not been happy. Initially he went NC then slowly would reply to my messages. I would text now and then about thinsg that we both had to sort out between us, nothing romantic. Couple of times I emailed in a deeper tone and asked to meet up. He said no. In the last 6m whenever I email (not text) him he replies to me literally within 3-10 minutes. Answers all my questions. These are still family admin stuff etc. The moment I ask him to meet up he always says 'it is not something I am willing to do'. Recently I asked again but he did not reply at all to that. He will reply to other things. I wonder what is going on in his head. I have left him so many olive branches over the last 1.5 year. He still has our pictures on SM, still has shared on our phones. We both ruined it for each other. I would have done things differently today. He was my best friend, we were really good together aside from sexless relationship and few other things. I guess my question is - how do I go about it?

OP posts:
username358 · 22/11/2024 00:37

How do you go about what?

Opentooffers · 22/11/2024 00:41

Do you have DC's together?

Snorlaxo · 22/11/2024 00:41

You need to listen to what he’s saying.

He doesn’t want to hang out or be friends but is willing to be friendly so that the last bits that need sorted are done. Respect his boundaries and stop trying to trample on them.

I know that you want more but friendships are two way streets and pressuring him for more is not fair on you or him.

missmissymiss · 22/11/2024 00:41

@username358 yes sorry - about meeting up? we never really spoke as the divorce was very acrymonius.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 22/11/2024 00:44

Try not to read into the photos etc He may not think about his social media much and sees any photos with you as memories rather than something that needs to be deleted because he’s angry and the breakup was painful.

StormingNorman · 22/11/2024 00:44

He doesn’t want your olive branch. Stop pestering him when he very obviously has no interest in rekindling a relationship with you.

Therapy will help you move forward with your life. No use looking backward with rose-tinted specs because your present isn’t making you happy either.

username358 · 22/11/2024 00:51

missmissymiss · 22/11/2024 00:41

@username358 yes sorry - about meeting up? we never really spoke as the divorce was very acrymonius.

He doesn't want to meet you and it's been ten years. I'm assuming you instigated the split and he was angry but he's over it now hence the communication. He's more than likely indifferent.

I would move on.

MarkingBad · 22/11/2024 00:58

What do you want?

To be his friend or to have another sexless relationship?

Ilovemeggy38 · 22/11/2024 01:00

There is no reading into his behaviour for goodness sake OP!!!
Please get some therapy.

NCstillNC · 22/11/2024 01:01

I can truly relate. I've been separated for 4 years, I left in the end with DC as tried everything. I also feel we both ruined the marriage through a lack of communication and bad behaviours. I regret a lot of what happened, how I behaved and handled it (had a quiet breakdown and didn't turn to anyone) and we've never really talked about what happened since we separated. Each day is like torture and I keep wishing things were just "back to normal". I also have no idea how to move forward so I really feel for you.

That said if you have split for 10 years and he has refused your olive branches, I fear you are on a hiding to nothing really. You might try writing him a letter but if he's not interested you can't force him to come to the table. Just be prepared for that potential rejection. But fwiw I would be doing all I can communicate how I feel.

Noseybookworm · 22/11/2024 01:16

He doesn't want to meet up. Stop pestering him. It's been 10 years. Move on with your life!

MorrisseyGladioli · 22/11/2024 01:27

He is obviously committed to his partner, regardless of the past.
You can't just expect there to be a next move, because he is no longer interested in you.

You don't need to meet up to talk about the break up, that is done and dusted, and a poor excuse.

Psychoticbreak · 22/11/2024 13:58

It was 10 years ago and you are still trying to talk to him yet have no kids?

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