Crushes at work, need a bit of advice

[milkyway512]

I’m nearly 25 and have started a new job - I’ve been there two months. Ive met some amazing people and am really enjoying the work.

I am however a bit of a romantic and tend to get crushes on people, and I’ve started (I suspect) reading too much into some interactions (or lack of interactions) I’m having with these two men I work alongside.

I’ve made a really good friend, let’s call him Harry. Harry is super funny and makes me laugh, and is truly an amazing friend so far. However, I think there may be an attraction there but I don’t know if I’m reading too much into things. He always tries to touch me and hug me, which I don’t mind as I don’t find him ugly, and am feeling like I’m starting to like him a little. he stands very close and is always willing to help me and goes to great lengths to help me. The main foundation of our friendship is playful teasing, which I’m not the best at and he leads mainly, but it’s funny and lightens up my day. I would hate to lose him as a friend.

however, there is someone else in the office I find SUPER attractive, perhaps more physically attractive than Harry, (even though I do find Harry attractive) let’s name him Tom. Tom started a little after me at this workplace. Tom talks to a lot of people in the office and we talk to a lot of the same people and mix in the same circle, but he never talks to me. We sat next to each other all day once and he didn’t say a word, whereas if I was someone else he probably would have spoken to me. I’ve assumed before he just isn’t into me and then that’s when my friendship with Harry came to be, as I stopped focussing on Tom and became friends with Harry.

im assuming he doesn’t like me in that way, but maybe he does? Is he just shy or is this what men do when they aren’t into someone? I just need a bit of advice as I’m ASD and struggle to read social cues, and feel I’m starting to like both of them and don’t want to be a dick and do the wrong thing.

thank you :)

I don't know where you work OP but allowing your work colleague to touch you and hug you at work is not normal behaviour . Him trying to stand close to you all the time sounds plain creepy.
You should be establishing boundaries with your work colleagues.

Not so much romantic, just vulnerable unfortunately. If Tom was as handsy, would you let him be too? Would you then be in a quandry? Going from one crush to the next or multiple at the same time, is not the right mindset, could be good to get counselling.
Did you try to talk to Tom while you sat next to him all day? You were being just as antisocial if not. Conversation is 2 way, someone needs to break the ice.

Do you think you should just focus on your work, or your love life, given that you are at work?

Tom probably thinks that you and Harry already have a thing going, as will all the other staff who work there while you're accepting his flirty banter and hugs. The topic of office gossip. If you don't take rejection we'll, don't start anything up at work or you will come to hate being there.

Hi everyone, sorry if my original post was badly written, I’m a bit tired!

@Pleasegetchristmasoverwith thank you, you are right. I accepted Harry’s hugs because I suppose I would have felt bad rejecting them. He also touches me on the back as part of the banter and it’s all a bit new to me as I’ve never worked in an office before. If I’d have known the hug was so inappropriate then I would have declined.

@Opentooffers thank you for your understanding, I will probably nip this one in the bud and stay professional with him.

@OliviaWould i promise I’m not a robot or a troll just very tired and perhaps a bad writer.

Workplace romances are the pits in the main, I know a scant few people who have found their forever partner at work but know so many more that have had horrible toxic relationships that affect whole teams with the fallout from that.

One of the ways of testing your boundaries that men uses is touch, hugs and standing as close as possible. It is wholly unprofessional at work as if others see someone getting away with this, they could try it too. You're potentially putting yourself at risk from anyone who has less restraint than others.

It also encourages office gossip which is no good if you want to stay the course and progress your career. No one should be judged of course but it is a reality that women bear the brunt end of peoples perception of what they do and do not allow and it can affect your time there however innocent

I really appreciate your understanding, this is really helpful.

I do think he is boundary testing, and I think I need to reign it in and stop it before it escalates. I understand it may appear like I’m just simply allowing it, and the truth is I mix up attention with love sometimes. I won’t allow it anymore as I know now it’s inappropriate.

Again thank you for clearing this up, I have learned a lot

No worries, like many on here I work in male dominated industries where you cannot allow anyone to do anything like this. I sometimes think workplaces feel too safe these days.

It's good to have a friendly bit of banter with a work colleague but you are right to rein it in.

You worded it fine OP.

Do you really like this job? Because if you do the last thing you want is to start a relationship with a work colleague and then it ends and things become very awkward.

Better to date someone outside of work that way your job is unaffected whatever happens.

Its your call of course, so you do what feels is right for you (if anything does happen). Just as many have said on forums like these before, "don't shit where you eat", ie. keep work and romance separate. Of course there are relationships that started in the workplace and are very healthy so its not always the case where it doesn't work, but just be wary of the pitfalls that can happen.

Don't date at work.

Exceptions: if this is just a starter job you don't care about, and you want your career to be elsewhere. Or, depending on your industry, if you find a man at your professional level who shares your vision and ambitions, and you can work together to realise those things.

Other than that don't date at work, and especially don't date the nearest vaguely attractive man who just shows you a bit of attention.

OP like others have said, stop flirting at work and don’t date anyone at work. Be professional if you want a career there and date someone outside of your workplace. You have been there two months and already are worried about two men there. Focus on doing your job well before office gossip starts (believe me others notice touching and flirting too).

I also used to work in a place were certain men always targeted the new young starters, shagged them and moved on to the next new young starter. So be careful and professional.

If you love your job then don’t date at work. Wait for them to leave, people move around at lot, then date them.