Losing my mind

[LucyL93]

My dad is terminally ill. I don’t know how long he has, I expect months or weeks.
He has been seriously ill for a couple of years. However, things have declined quite quickly in a lot of areas for him very recently.
I’m extremely upset about it and unfortunately I don’t have a great deal of support. It’s complicated. My dad has never been a dad to me, never even been a friend, and he has been quite emotionally abusive to me as an adult. He doesn’t and never has added anything positive to my life, only hurt and anger. I know this but I have never felt able to cut ties for various reasons. Please people don’t tell me to walk away and not care, because I couldn’t live with myself, I wish I could.
He has always tried to make demands of me and my time to care for him etc. He makes me feel bad for him and exaggerates things and lies to me to try and manipulate me. It’s very stressful and upsetting. I have tried my best to keep my distance as much as possible to protect myself, but support him from a far and visit only every couple of months.
However he has started asking for more again and is bombarding me a bit. It looks like he is coming to the end of his life.
I’m so torn, he is awful to be around and it’s incredibly stressful spending time with him or even texting regularly with him. However if I don’t support him at this time I don’t know how I will live with myself.
How do I best navigate this? I have limited support as most of my family and friends don’t get it, they say don’t bother, cut ties, he’s not worth my time ect. But it’s just not that simple.
Im struggling so much with this, firstly because I’m devastated he is so ill and suffering, secondly I feel guilty/awful because I know my life will be in a way easier without him around, thirdly I want to do the right thing and not look back with regret.
Has anyone else been able to navigate a similar situation? Is anyone able to offer any advice or insight please? I feel like I’m loosing my mind.
Also, does anyone know the best things to say to comfort and support someone when they are scared and reaching the end of their life?
Sorry it’s so long and thanks for reading if you got this far.

@LucyL93 - that sounds really difficult. He’s been a poor father but he’s still your father so it’s natural you would have very conflicted feelings over this. In an awful way, perhaps his death is a gift he’s giving you knowing your life will be better without him.

I haven’t been in your position - my mum died of a brain tumour but we had a good relationship so didn’t face the issues you face.

But I think your instinct to put yourself in a position where you don’t look back with regret is very sound: death is so final so you’re wise to carefully examine what you do. It’s clear you feel it’s right to support him in his final months. Are there any low key things you could do together? Watch TV? Play board games? Do his grocery shopping? And is there anyone who could offer you some emotional support as you go through this?

I’m sorry, this sounds so distressing. I was in a similar-ish situation.

People are quick to say walk away, but you’re absolutely right, it’s not that simple. They just don’t get it.

I think @Dery’s low key suggestions sound good. In terms of lack of support, if you can possibly afford it then I would consider a couple of sessions of counselling a week to give you some space to offload and talk through your feelings while this is happening. I wish I’d done this instead of burying it all. I really feel for you.

Really hard situation OP, but also a very common problem.

Hopefully other people who've been where you are will respond with helpful advice, but mine would be:
Remember nobody is perfect and nobody needs to be perfect to be worthy of love

That includes you, just as much as it includes your dad.