Leave or stay when children leave home?

[UncertainWife]

I'm finding it difficult to make decisions about the next phase of my life. Youngest is due to leave next Sept.

I've been with DH for 22 years. He is, overall, a good man, and I do still love him.

But we've grown apart, we now have completely different interests and don't want to do or talk about the same things.

He's a teacher, and hates the job (understandable). He's only got time for me in school holidays, the rest of the time he comes home grumpy and shuts himself away. At weekends he's mostly too busy to spend time with me (though we do have an occasional short walk). He doesn't want to do anything like go to the cinema, or socialise together or with friends at weekends.

He's not proactive, he lets life happen to him, whereas I prefer to have goals and make plans. It's quite difficult to do this on my own.

But when we're together with our DC, in holidays, we have a lovely time and we work very well as a family dynamic. And obviously we have so much history together and know each other well. He's always been very supportive of me, and in school holidays, a good listener.

I find it difficult working out whether to stay together. It's not bad enough to leave but it feels a world away from how I hoped my life would be with a partner. But if we do split, then I'll be lonely all through the year, instead of just in term time!

Anyone else had or having a similar dilemma?

That sounds awful. It would be much easier if he was working away!

How old are you both? What do you think he'd be like in retirement?

Is there any way he'd consider doing a different job?

What would his reaction be if he knew you were thinking of leaving him over this?

That sounds awful. It would be much easier if he was working away!

How old are you both? What do you think he'd be like in retirement?

Is there any way he'd consider doing a different job?

What would his reaction be if he knew you were thinking of leaving him over this?

Honestly that sounds like a LOT of couples. Your life has changed and your kids have grown. Have either of you made a real effort to change with the new dynamics?

Your kids will still find a break up tough. If you can make it work, I would for many reasons.

I would throw everything at this to make it work, tbh. Could you ask him to go to couples counselling with you?

Talk to him about spending more time together and if it means going part time or something is that an option?

Could be he just needs a different job. Don't know if that's an option.

Is he anywhere near retirement?

Be a shame to split up if his job is bad because he's not happy either.

How long has he hated his job?

Is there any particular reason he doesn't move school or change career?

It would seem more sense for him to stop doing something he hates and that probably does his mental health no good, and see if your relationship benefits from him getting out of the misery of such a demanding job if he no longer likes it (and probably isn't giving the children his best either any more).

He'd like a different job, but because he's not proactive he's not the type of person who will research other job options. I go online a lot and show him options that he then picks holes in. He does have a business idea he wants to do but it's something he'd do part-time while he builds it up, but he's too stressed and busy to do this now.

We're early 50s.

Have you told him any of this?

Maybe saying you're considering whether you want to stay together might light a fire under his arse to make some changes.

Is he taking his pension at 55 and cutting back?

You may find he is more open to doing things then, teaching is an all or nothing job it sucks all your time and physical and emotional energy during term time and leave you out of kilter when you have no routine in the holidays.

I'd invest in myself and going on holidays alone or with other women either friends or organised groups. As long as he doesn't then moan at you when doing that in which case you need to move on.

Thanks for various replies. Frustratingly there's more to this re his job plans that I can't talk about without being too outing.

I like that idea of investing in myself and going on holidays with women friends etc @Singleandproud that's sensible.

I was thinking last night how expensive it'd be for both of us to split up and live separately, so looking at it that way, I may as well stay but act as if I'm single and build up my own life and try and make new friends and socialise on my own. I kind of do that anyway, I make my own social arrangements for weekends, but could make improvements to this by doing more, and introducing some mid-week activities for myself.

I'm probably best thinking of him as a very nice flatmate and not getting annoyed that our relationship doesn't meet my expectations of what a relationship should or could be like.

I've tried talking to him in the past about how I feel and every time he says good things, we should do this more, do that more, get out together etc, but then it never happens.

I think that's very sensible, unless you really want the physical relationship side of things. My parents have lived as good friends for about 20 years, they have separate rooms as my GP did before but still spend lots of time doing things together but both leading largely separate social lives.

I sympathise with you - the pressures of teaching split lots of couples up. If I was still working full time as a Head of Department, my husband would probably be saying the same about me.

Luckily, and with his support I was able to drop to part time teaching. I'm in a good school which supports well being too and I'm much better. When you are top of payscale, it is difficult to find jobs which pay decent money for someone changing career, which keeps a lot of us in! A part time post pays better than lots of the jobs I was looking at, so I stayed. Is this an option for DH? Tell him how you feel - i literally needed my husband to tell me how awful I was being and how it was affecting us.

Super smart that you've been building your own life, and if you keep moving towards a life that is enriching for you he will either come with you or fall be the wayside, and either way you have your own rich, fulfilling life to enjoy.

I'm sorry but I'd leave. It was only when I left my wife that I realised how bad our marriage actually was.

We really aren't meant to be together forever, it's unrealistic.