When would you start dating again?

[Wondering82]

I separated from my husband about 5 months ago and at the time I was really devastated. We'd had a rough patch around a year ago and I gave him another chance and then a lot came to light and I realised he'd been lying to me for the entirety of our relationship. We were together in total for 7 years and have a small child. I've been in regular counselling since it happened which has been helpful and I'm proud of myself for how I've coped as it was unexpected and it had felt like we were on the right track.

I think because of the rocky patch a year ago, how much work I put into the relationship to get things back on track (it was his fault we nearly broke up then) and the scale of the lies and bad behaviour that have come to light. I just felt absolutely done with it very quickly and knew immediately that my marriage was finished and there would be no way back. I grieved a lot and now I feel like I want to start living again.

We're at the start of divorce proceedings and obviously this could take time. But... I'm not super young and I'm approaching an age where if I wanted to have any more children it would need to be in the next few years. I'm not overly hung up on it - I'm really, really happy with the child I have and would only expand my family if I knew it was a good move for him and with the right person - so if it didn't happen that would be OK. But equally I don't want to resign myself to that if I don't have to - I always wanted ds to have a sibling and to have other children and for ds to have a positive male role model in his life consistently and to see a healthy relationship. His dad isn't currently in his life at all and that's not likely to change soon.

I guess my question is- how soon is too soon. While I don't give a hoot what my ex thinks I don't want to make things more difficult for the divorce as he's complying well so far and I have swallowed a lot to keep things civil - I need this to move as fast as it can so I can buy a house. But I also don't want to waste my time if I could meet someone else.

Intimacy was a big issue in my marriage and its been a long time since I've felt wanted by someone and I'd love to experience that again. Because I have ds to think about, I'd really want to take my time getting to really know someone before making any big decisions if things went well and I'm heading towards being 40 so time doesn't feel like it's on my side?

What would others do?

If you've been in a similar situation when did you decide the time was right to dip your toe back in?

I started dating a couple of months after we split. We were still living together so it was just dating, not sleeping with people.

Did you find that people were receptive/understanding of your living arrangements? I'm staying with family at the moment and that's probably putting me off more than if I had my own place but I'm aware that could be quite some time away yet. Did it affect your divorce in any way that you'd started dating?

I started dating after about 6 months but realised quickly it was too soon for me

Met someone about a year after my split and that lasted nearly 2 years but looking back it was 💯 a rebound with someone I really wouldn’t have gone near had I been in a better headspace.

There’s mo right or wrong answer but it’s worth reflecting on whether you really are in right place to move on with someone new.

Whenever you feel ready.

It's nothing to do with the divorce so no, it didn't affect anything. I didn't talk to anyone about living arrangements, I was only dating not looking for a new partner. Meeting for a coffee on a Saturday, that kind of thing. I didn't plan on seeing them again so I certainly wasn't opening up to them. It was really just to help get my confidence back after being with someone for 15 years. I think I probably span them the most awful lies.

I didn't want to be near a man during and after my divorce so it was around 3 years until my next relationship (since ended).
I rather like being single but everyone is different, if you want intimacy and companionship then go for it.

I think it's a case of everyone is different and each healing time is different for me personally it's won't be until my son turns 16 it's just that Monday to Friday I'm working and Fri night to Monday morning I spend that time with my son so it just wouldn't be fair because their would be no time for anyone else.

I dated the week after separating, however it took 6 months to find someone I like enough to continue seeing, it didn't work out for the long term and actually in hindsight I was in a vulnerable position, being newly separated and craving to be loved, unfortunately a lot of men only want something casual, it's a bit of luck and choosing well to find someone right to be in a relationship with, especially more difficult with children involved and blending families. I'm still single 6 years later, the ship has sailed for more children but I have them already anyway, I've concentrated more on career now than finding a partner.
There isn't much you can do apart from being open to it and seeing where life takes you.

Unless you live together he doesn’t need to know. Anyone you meet will soon be aware of your living arrangements and it will between the two of you whether it’s viable

After the end of my long marriage it took me 2 years to feel ready to meet anyone and a further 6 months before l had a serious relationship. I really didnt see it coming when he ended it after 2 years and at the time l was devastated.
I don't think there's ever a right time tbh as everyone's different, but even giving it a good while didn't stop me fom being hurt. It also affected my divorce in that whilst l was dating my ex stalled re signing the necessary papers but we got there in the end!

I'm single almost 7 years since my separation. My headspace and life have no room for anyone else. Whether or not that changes will be seen I suppose. I think if you are questioning it you're probably not ready but only you know how you feel.

personally it's been 7 years for me and haven't dated but seems most get back out there quite quickly

I got divorced and jumped straight into a new relationship which ended Jan this year after 3y. With hindsight I was craving connection and feeling wanted after the rejection in my marriage. Like you I thought I'd done a lot of processing before I got divorced however I'm only now really going through it after another relationship breakdown.

I've dated this year and I would say it's been a minefield. Very eye opening. You need a thick skin and trust me when I say most men are not genuine. I have since met someone who seems like a keeper but I've kissed a lot of frogs on the way! So I'd say if you think you've got the resilience to date then try it. You'll soon know how you feel.

I had a baby and lived with my parents and loads of men wanted to date me! (12 months after separation- the only reason I didnt start dating immediately is because I was 8 months pregnant!)
Just go for it and put yourself out there and don't overthink it

My relationship ended almost 3.5 years ago - I still haven't even thought about dating, it's just not on my radar honestly, I've 2 young boys & I only get 1 night a week off from being a parent (if that) so i tend to just chill & sleep early. My ex basically moved in with his affair partner so my kids had enough upheaval & I can't even think of anything worse than a relationship now

There's no right answer, just what's right for you. I came out of a 10 year relationship, he left me for an OW so it was actually a lot easier to move on once the initial shock had passed. I think because I knew straight away that there was no going back and he had treated me badly. 5 months later I met someone, and we are still together 18 months on. I was early 40s when I split with my ex too.

You might want to tip your toes in the water by going out with friends as opposed to 1 on 1 dates. Don't isolate yourself socially simply because you don't think it's the time for a relationship. You are worth it.

This is my other issue. As a single mum where to find the time when i want to prioritise my son so my thinking is really casual at least at the minute.

I've moved away to be nearer family so I don't have any friends here to go out with but I'm working on meeting more people and building up a network again. I'm still really good friends with my friends from where I lived before and see them every few months.