20yr friendship ended with no explanation when he got a girlfriend

DEKitty · 2024-11-21T14:56:20+00:00

I have just been ghosted and blocked by my best friend (male) of 20yrs. He got a new gf 3 months ago and I never got to meet her, but she told him that she believes he is inlove with me. He told me after 1 week of seeing her that she would be his priority and he would see me much less, which I thought was a weird statement to make so early on, but I agreed with him. we used to spend maybe 4hrs a week on one evening chatting and gaming. But it completely stopped. I offered an alternative time/day to get together and he said he couldn’t commit to anything as he didn’t know when she would want him free. After a month of zero chats or gaming I messaged him saying that our friendship was looking over, but that I was happy for him that he’d found someone special. he messaged back saying we would always be friends. i have heard nothing since for the next 2months until yesterday when I was blocked by him on social media and phone with no explanation. i feel so sad. He was just a friend to me, I am married and have a baby on the way. i don’t have other friends than my husband. how to get closure on a friendship ending when you have no explanation why? 20yrs is so long to then just suddenly lose someone just like that.

Mygreyhair · 21/11/2024 14:58

To be honest, I think you do have closure and an explanation.
He values you but is prioritising his relationship. That’s all.

Mygreyhair · 21/11/2024 14:58

To be honest, I think you do have closure and an explanation.
He values you but is prioritising his relationship. That’s all.

Original poster

DEKitty · 21/11/2024 15:02

Mygreyhair · 21/11/2024 14:58

To be honest, I think you do have closure and an explanation.
He values you but is prioritising his relationship. That’s all.

If you prioritise something, you put it first, but there are still other things on the list that you will get around to.
and if he values me, wouldn’t it have been nicer to say something before just blocking me.
i didn’t hassle him, I didn’t beg for time from him, I just quietly waited while he enjoyed his new relationship.

OP posts:

BeMintBee · 21/11/2024 15:04

I agree with pp the explanation is simple, he’s made a choice over his girlfriend rather than you. It’s sad and hurtful and I think it’s fine to feel crap about it for a while. Personally I would mourn the loss for a little while and then let it go. If he resurfaces in the event of a break up I would be cautious about resuming a friendship.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/11/2024 15:04

I think you give yourself time to learn to live with the fact that she put her foot down about him seeing you as a friend and he followed her wishes and didn't fight for your friendship. I think it is very short sighted to bin such a long time friendship for someone he has known for a few months, but he has put her wishes first. It is very sad when this happens.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/11/2024 15:04

how to get closure on a friendship ending when you have no explanation why?

you have the explanation.
whether you felt romantically about him or not… his feelings probably werent purely platonic and new GF said “it’s her or me…”
he told you he’d pick her and then… he picked her 🤷🏻‍♀️

it’s hard because you feel a sort of bereavement. Time and new friends make it easier… if you have a baby it’s a great way to make friends

LostittoBostik · 21/11/2024 15:06

Blocking is harsh. I suspect the reason he's done it is that his gf is probably right and he had feelings for you. In order to prioritise his primary relationship he's decided to cut ties, so that he doesn't moon over you instead of concentrating on her. Which is healthy, but a blow for you.

parisinjanuary · 21/11/2024 15:06

My male friend did the same to me once he got married. Just dropped me. We were like brother and sister, had known each other from school and there had never been any romantic feelings between us whatsoever and I was married with a baby anyway. I think from some comments he made his wife wasnt comfortable with our friendship which is so odd since I've never ever looked at him in a romantic way and she knew that.

At the time it was incredibly hurtful. Several years later however, the hurt has faded and my closure has come from knowing that ghosting someone who cares about you says way more about them that it does about you. I bumped into him a couple of years ago and he disclosed that he was quite unhappy in his relationship and had struggled with alcohol issues. I briefly attempted to reach out to support him as I felt bad for him and he ghosted me yet again.

The second time I kind of half expected it and now I am done. There will be no third chances. I feel bad he's unhappy but I cant help but think part of it was dropping all his friends. Unfortunately, we reap what we sow and I suspect when they break up (seemed to be heading that way) he may come crawling back.
However, I refuse to be treated like shit so I am afraid it's over now permanently.

Its a real shame as its not easy to replace life long friendships but at the end of that day, you cant treat people badly and still expect them to be there for you when you need it.

Sassybooklover · 21/11/2024 15:07

I think it's probably more likely that his new girlfriend doesn't like the fact he has a female friend. You don't abandon a 20 year friendship, simply because you want to 'make his girlfriend a priority'. Absolutely his girlfriend should be a priority but he can still have a girlfriend and a friend, it shouldn't be one or the other. I'm sure if the relationship ends, he'll soon be back. Unfortunately, there is very little you can do. You have every right to feel upset and disappointed in him. He's treated your friendship in a shitty manner. Take a deep breath, it's not your fault and try and find other ways to make friends.

LostittoBostik · 21/11/2024 15:08

parisinjanuary · 21/11/2024 15:06

My male friend did the same to me once he got married. Just dropped me. We were like brother and sister, had known each other from school and there had never been any romantic feelings between us whatsoever and I was married with a baby anyway. I think from some comments he made his wife wasnt comfortable with our friendship which is so odd since I've never ever looked at him in a romantic way and she knew that.

At the time it was incredibly hurtful. Several years later however, the hurt has faded and my closure has come from knowing that ghosting someone who cares about you says way more about them that it does about you. I bumped into him a couple of years ago and he disclosed that he was quite unhappy in his relationship and had struggled with alcohol issues. I briefly attempted to reach out to support him as I felt bad for him and he ghosted me yet again.

The second time I kind of half expected it and now I am done. There will be no third chances. I feel bad he's unhappy but I cant help but think part of it was dropping all his friends. Unfortunately, we reap what we sow and I suspect when they break up (seemed to be heading that way) he may come crawling back.
However, I refuse to be treated like shit so I am afraid it's over now permanently.

Its a real shame as its not easy to replace life long friendships but at the end of that day, you cant treat people badly and still expect them to be there for you when you need it.

There were no romantic feelings for you. But that doesn't mean there weren't on his part.

TwistedWonder · 21/11/2024 15:09

It’s cowardly behaviour but I imagine his gf gave him a ‘her or me’ ultimatum

I don’t blame you feeling hurt and let down but unfortunately he’s shown himself as a coward.

Doggymummar · 21/11/2024 15:11

Do you know each other in real life, or is this an online friendship?

Tina159 · 21/11/2024 15:11

The GF sounds very controlling. Who tells their OH they have to completely stop a 20 year old friendship? I could understand it if you were an ex girlfriend or someone he'd hooked up with but this is ridiculous. They've only been together a few months. If he really is/was in love with you why on earth would she want to be with him?

Well one things for sure, I wouldn't be entertaining it when it ends and he comes crawling back wanting to be friends again.

parisinjanuary · 21/11/2024 15:12

There were no romantic feelings for you. But that doesn't mean there weren't on his part

I mean, I guess it's technically possible, but there were years and years when we were both single at the same time and nothing happened, noone expressed anything like that and we both dated other people. If we had wanted to date each other, we had already had plenty of opportunities to make it happen.

I just feel sad because it ended for nothing. Nothing was ever going to happen between us so it just felt like such a waste of a friendship.

Dweetfidilove · 21/11/2024 15:12

parisinjanuary · 21/11/2024 15:06

My male friend did the same to me once he got married. Just dropped me. We were like brother and sister, had known each other from school and there had never been any romantic feelings between us whatsoever and I was married with a baby anyway. I think from some comments he made his wife wasnt comfortable with our friendship which is so odd since I've never ever looked at him in a romantic way and she knew that.

At the time it was incredibly hurtful. Several years later however, the hurt has faded and my closure has come from knowing that ghosting someone who cares about you says way more about them that it does about you. I bumped into him a couple of years ago and he disclosed that he was quite unhappy in his relationship and had struggled with alcohol issues. I briefly attempted to reach out to support him as I felt bad for him and he ghosted me yet again.

The second time I kind of half expected it and now I am done. There will be no third chances. I feel bad he's unhappy but I cant help but think part of it was dropping all his friends. Unfortunately, we reap what we sow and I suspect when they break up (seemed to be heading that way) he may come crawling back.
However, I refuse to be treated like shit so I am afraid it's over now permanently.

Its a real shame as its not easy to replace life long friendships but at the end of that day, you cant treat people badly and still expect them to be there for you when you need it.

Amen to this. I hope the OP gets to the place of acceptance you're in.

thenoldmrsrabbit · 21/11/2024 15:37

@DEKitty

I understand the hurt, but to be honest, even though you may not have had feelings for him, this doesn't mean that he didn't for you, even though he may have said otherwise.

I notice that you say that you don't have other friends, just your husband. Everyone is different, and some women don't find female friendships easy, but it can be complicated, as you have just found out to a have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex if you are both heterosexual.

I too would have not entered into a serious relationship with someone who has a female best friend. To me it is similar to choosing, or not, to date someone with children, past marriages etc. It's one of those things where you immediately know that you won't be happy with it. And although there undoubtedly will be people who are fine with this, your husband presumably, many wouldn't be.

.

MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 15:55

his new girlfriend has basically enlightened him that the existing situation with you was not healthy or in his best interest

sunflowersngunpowdr · 22/11/2024 11:49

4 hours a week chatting / gameing... I wouldn't get involved with anyone who did that either tbh. Are you in a relationship? How old are you guys? You sound young but you say you have been friends for 20 years... if he thinks this woman is the one for him he is right to prioritise her. He could have been more sensitive and less of a coward though. Use that 4 hrs a week to date / spend time with your loved ones / have fun.

Ladamesansmerci · 22/11/2024 11:56

sunflowersngunpowdr · 22/11/2024 11:49

4 hours a week chatting / gameing... I wouldn't get involved with anyone who did that either tbh. Are you in a relationship? How old are you guys? You sound young but you say you have been friends for 20 years... if he thinks this woman is the one for him he is right to prioritise her. He could have been more sensitive and less of a coward though. Use that 4 hrs a week to date / spend time with your loved ones / have fun.

That's really not that long in gaming terms. It's like 2 hours twice a week, which is a perfectly normal amount of time to spend on a hobby. Lots of people go to the gym an hour every evening, so it's no different. And lots of online games are social. Older people game to. I'm 31 with a 5,mo baby and I still game and hour a few times a week when she's in bed.

Anyway, sorry for the loss of your friendship, OP. It's okay to grieve a friend for as long as you need. It's a shame his gf couldn't have met you, joined in etc, to realise you were just mates.

Toomanysquishmallows · 22/11/2024 12:01

@thenoldmrsrabbit , I agree , it’s a personal thing and not a popular view , but I couldn’t have a partner with a female best friend.

Climbinghigher · 22/11/2024 12:07

His gf sounds a nightmare, but I guess he has made his choice. It's him not you.

Gogogo12345 · 22/11/2024 12:14

Toomanysquishmallows · 22/11/2024 12:01

@thenoldmrsrabbit , I agree , it’s a personal thing and not a popular view , but I couldn’t have a partner with a female best friend.

Why though? What's the reasoning behind this?