Backing down from arguments

[GettingThemFromHereToThere]

I'm currently in the middle of an ongoing argument with husband. Cross words were said by both of us yesterday over something completely stupid and minor and it blew up into a bit of a slagging match (nothing serious) and then followed the silent treatment. Not mature, I know, but resolving conflicts it's a strong point for us and both of us get stubborn and usually leave the argument in a huff.

Anyway, he slept on the sofa last night and we're both WFH and blanking each other today.

I want to just let it go but equally don't want to be the one to back down. I'd say I back down/start the resolution talks 80% of the time and I'd like it to be 50%. The problem is he can rarely admit fault.

I was wondering - what do other couples do?! What's your approach if your spouse is stubborn and defensive?

It's not a deal-breaker. We have three children, a home and usually a happy enough long marriage. I just don't want to become the one that bends all the time.

Me and DH don't argue like this. He's very calm so even if I get worked up, it rarely gets to more than a disagreement that I might flounce from. I stew for a bit but he acts like he's over it so things quickly get back to normal. It doesn't sound like that exact thing would work for you too, but maybe the takeaway is to not attach an ongoing power/point-scoring side to it, so that one of you is winning or losing by getting on with things. As you're ultimately on the same side, it shouldn't be a weakness to be nice to each other, especially as it's over something silly/minor. Most people would say it'd need a conversation to clear the air, but ideally you'd be able to make each other a cup of tea and move on. It's pretty extreme to be sleeping on the sofa and blanking each other though, so a conversation probably is needed to re-establish the 'rules' and say whatever the rights and wrongs of it, let's have a time limit on these fall-outs and be over it by the next morning with no one feeling lesser or needing to keep 'winning'.

I guess what I'm saying is - this way of framing it, around backing down and whose fault it is, is really just going to continue the battle despite calling it resolution talks. Why can't you agree to disagree and get past it, if it's nothing important? You both had your say, had a flounce/sulk and made your points, and now get over it. Being right matters less than being in the relationship and so on.

If you think the only options are one person backing down or winning then, well, there’s your problem. You need to find a way to move on as a team.

We make a joint decision to move on and be kind to each other. I find it helps to ask myself what is going on for me and what’s being activated from the past.

Generally, if my husband and I fall out we agree to disagree. There are more important things in life than arguments over minor things. One of ours (amusingly) was the colour of Bagpuss. He said pink but I was adamant that he was grey...then I realised that I had been watching Bagpuss on a black and white TV during childhood! Sometimes, both parties can be correct in their mind. 🏵

I agree about the winning/losing thing. As long as you see making up as somehow being weak then you’re going to continue with these petty fallouts.

Ideally in a situation where the trigger was something silly you’d say “I can’t believe we’re still feeling cross with each other about xyz. It’s not worth falling out over. Do you want a cup of tea?” and you’d both let it go, but if he responds with a surly “no” or ignores you then you can’t jolly him out of it and the ball is back in his court.

Just try not to see it as “giving in” or caving - you’re trying to repair your relationship, the one that DOESN’T want that is the loser really.

You are all so right!! It really does just become about who's going to soften and take the first step, which is ridiculous but we're both stubborn and both like to think we're right.

@pinkdelight you're very lucky to have a calming husband! My husband is laid back in lots of ways and is sometimes in conflict but as time has gone on in our 20 year relationship, I think we've developed the point scoring approach which isn't great.

I guess the problem is, I often relax and approach him and we agree to disagree. But I don't want to be the only one who does that. It would be lovely if he'd do it sometimes but 9/10 it's me. Hmm...

Anyway, I did it earlier, we both laughed about how stupid we are and we agreed to disagree and move on.