Male friend has shattered my head.

[ICantGetNoSleeeeep]

To cut a long story short, we had a fling a long time ago and stayed friends. We're very close but just not compatible. We've been friends for a long time, and know each other inside out.

Last week he went radio silent which is very unlike him so I worried something had happened to him (he's had heart issues recently). I gave it a couple of days and called him but he didn't answer. I then found out from another friend that he had been arrested for inappropriate behaviour online, sexual chat(s) with underage girls. So far as I know he didn't try to meet anyone and he appears to be using this as justification to minimise what he's done.

I just can't get my head around it all. We're friends (were?) so I feel I should be supportive but I just can't. He has preteen daughters ffs. I can't believe how selfish he's been or that he's so dismissive of what he's done and the damage he's caused to innocent girls.

I've distanced myself, as have our other friends. Part of me feels sorry for him as he'll probably lose everything but the other part of me thinks good, he deserves to.

I am really sorry that you have been hit with this "ton of bricks" realisation...but he wasn't actually ever the man that he pretended to be. This isn't your fault, it just makes him a person used to deception in order to continue his secret sexual desires unsuspected. You have lost a friend, but don't beat yourself up about it, as he was NEVER the friend that you thought you had. It's horrible, but he pretended to be somebody different to who he actually is. Write him off. 💐

It's the shock of it. I'm not sympathising with a pedophile and honestly I'm disgusted by the implications that I am. But this time last week he was my best friend. There's no doubt he's guilty as he's justified it to our friend. There's no doubt our friend is telling the truth.

I feel confused. I feel manipulated. I feel disgusted. I feel sad. I feel guilty because how the fuck could we not tell? I don't pity him, but yes I feel sad for him. However, don't confuse that with me tolerating what he's done because I don't. But it's still difficult to marry up these 2 very different versions of him.

There's absolutely no going back. Our other friends feel the same. Most of them have daughters the same age as his. We aren't rushing to spread anything about because that would be grossly unfair on his ex and their children who have had their worlds blown apart.

I just didn't expect something like this to ever happen. And I never dreamt I'd feel so conflicted.

We don't know that he's a pedophile.

Regardless, that's disgusting behaviour and worse so that he's justifying it.

It must be tough OP. Sorry.

We do know. He's admitted it.

We do know. He's admitted it.

Where?

“There's no doubt he's guilty as he's justified it to our friend. There's no doubt our friend is telling the truth.”

Is that in response to my post?

Yes, sorry. In order to justify something you have to admit you did it.

@OliviaRodrighost Where does it state he has admitted to talking to girls under the age of 13?

Oh. You're taking the stance that "underage doesn't necessarily mean paedophilia".

Tell me, why?

@LazyArsedMagician Because that's the definition of the word.

Is that really what's important here, on this thread? Semantics?
Really?
So he's a hebephile. Doesn't make his actions any less revolting.

As you can see from my post I called out the disgusting behaviour.

Yes, it does matter.

Oh, you’re one of those posters that always misses the point on threads and derails them over irrelevant details. I’ll be choosing to ignore you from now on.

@OliviaRodrighost I made a post. You decided to respond to that and picked on that part of it. So it's OK to derail if you think you're correct. Gotcha.

You don't have to marry them up. You just need to take some time to accept that you never really know another person, and that there are many circumstances in which someone behaves like an entirely different person so honestly it's not something to understand, just accept that this is someone to close the book on and forget about.

A terrible situation for you (and the children he has harmed) .

I can see you rejecting his behaviour with horror - and also understand that you are not sympathising with a pedophile when feeling the conflict caused by these actions coming from a loved and trusted friend.

Easiest for you - and most natural is to want nothing more to do with him. I think we on this thread are feeling that!

Is this best though?

If everyone rejects and avoids him (as natural revulsion is making us want to do) he can easily go on to view himself as 'misunderstood' and ill-treated by society (and so a victim).

The group of people he will be with now are likely to agree with this and will help him continue to minimise his behaviour. This has happened to whole wings in prison.

As we won't be throwing away the key of his cell, he will soon be back in society - the same but now exclusively with friends who think abusing children is fine.
He will be worse than before and even more likely to offend.
Our children will be even less safe.

As a long-term friend - you can call out his behaviour and reject his presentation of it in a way that is really hard for him to ignore. Your revulsion will hurt much more than that from people he has been indifferent to. If you drop him - he will get over this and see you as part of the mass making him the victim. If you stay around - and continue to react, then you might have some greater effect?

(Sorry for the loss of the friend you thought he was!)

@TotallyFloored that was your husband though. You had a whole life and existence to unpack, as well as children to help through it. That’s a big difference from a random friend.

He’s not a random friend @FlatWhiteExtraHot, they’re very close.

And the posts from @TotallyFloored are really insightful and nuanced so they’re potentially really helpful for @ICantGetNoSleeeeep to help validate all her conflicting thoughts and feelings on this.

The OP is not responsible for rehabilitating this man (or any man). She does not owe time, effort or anything at all to any man "for the greater good". And certainly not in the teeth of her own revulsion.

How exactly do you imagine this would work? If the OP chooses to remain in contact with him, she will likely lose her own friends (or even family) either because people won't want to be at one degree of separation from a paedophile, will question her judgement or morals so seriously as to prefer to remove themselves from her life, or even come to the conclusion that she was involved in some way.

And for her friends and acquaintance who DON'T know what he's done... what does she do if, say, a family pop round to see her while he's at her house, or she bumps into them while at the pub with him? Does she say nothing and allow them to spend time with him, completely unsuspecting? Or does she say, "Fancy seeing you here! This is my friend, Peter. He was convicted for sexualising little girls and is on the sex offenders register, so probably best that we catch up separately. Call me later!"?

Paedophiles are in any event notoriously difficult if not impossible to rehabilitate (a discussion of sentencing approaches, given this fact, is a topic for another day!)

This whole idea that the OP might want to consider remaining friendly with one in order to act as some sort of human shield and hopefully somehow shame him out of his behaviour is probably one of the more toxic twists on female socialisation that I've read.

You're entitled to your opinion of course but I honestly think this is a bit mad.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I do see the difference, but one point I wanted to make is that I lived with someone for over 15 years and I never saw it coming. It would be even easier for someone to hide this side of themselves from a friend they didn’t live with, even if they were close.

Another point is that because you don’t see it coming, you have to accept the person you thought you knew doesn’t actually exist. You have to almost grieve the loss of someone that doesn’t really exist even though that person does still exist.

it’s a very complicated situation to work through for anyone that is affected - be it a wife, parent, friend, child. It’s not as straightforward as cutting someone off with no feeling at all. Which is what some are suggesting.